How to Help Someone With Low Self Esteem

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: September 19, 2022 References Approved

Self-esteem, or the way that we feel about ourselves, is just one part of our emotional make-up. If you have high self-esteem, it may be difficult for you to see a friend or a loved one suffering from low self-esteem. Though you cannot make others feel better about themselves, you can offer support and encouragement and model positive self-esteem.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Offering Support

1
Be a good friend. A good friend can be helpful by really listening to the person and speaking to them from the heart.^{[1]
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Research source} While it can be a challenge to maintain a friendship with someone who is somewhat emotionally unstable, remember that this is (hopefully) a temporary state, and they are working towards improvement.
- Make an effort to spend time with your friend. People with low self-esteem often lack the initiative to make plans with someone. You may have to initiate plans yourself and stick with them. Difficulty in reaching out and following through in social plans is not a slight towards you. Rather, it reflects on the anxiety, fear, or depression a person with low self-esteem may have.
- Having a regular "date" can be helpful, providing a way to lessen planning and making sure weeks do not go by without contact. Whether this is a Sunday afternoon cup of coffee, Wednesday night poker night, or daily morning swim, these times can be vital to helping you and your friend.
- Listen to your friend, making eye contact while you are conversing. Talk to them about their problems, ask them about what's wrong, and offer them support and advice (but only when they ask for it). A little caring can go a long way. Showing that you care about your friend can help give them the support they need to improve their self-esteem.^{[2]
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2
Avoid trying to tell the person how to think. You risk alienating the person you are trying to help if you directly tell them how they should think about themselves or how they should act. Instead, support your friend for who they are, and try to encourage them towards and model healthier emotional self-care.^{[3]
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- If you try to counter the person’s negativity, they may not respond well. This is not a problem solved solely by logic.
  - For example, if they say “I feel so stupid,” it may not be helpful to say, “No, you’re not: you’re very smart.” Your friend will likely easily bring up ways they are stupid--that is what they have been thinking.
  - Instead, try responding to “I feel so stupid” by saying something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way. What makes you think that? Did something happen?” This can offer an avenue for a more productive conversation.
- Affirm their feelings. Just having one's voice heard is empowering. It is tempting to try to argue that negative feelings are unmerited, but you should avoid that.
  - Yes: "You sound really disappointed over not having a date for the semi-formal. I can imagine that's very tough. I've had that sort of thing happen to me, too."
  - No: " You shouldn't feel so bad about not having a date for the semi-formal. It's really not a big deal, so get over it. I had that happen to me and I was fine."
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3
Problem-solve, if the person is able. If a person has low self-esteem, they may often personalize the issue. The problem is with them, and it is something that seems unable to be solved. It can help to have a person come at it from a fresh angle. Remember that problem-solving usually can only be done after some of the more negative emotion is expressed.
- For the above example: "A lot of people go as a couple to the semi-formal, but I know a lot of people who are going solo, too. You certainly would not be the only one."
  - Or: "A bunch of us are carpooling there, if you would like to come. I'd love to have you join us. In fact, if you would like me to introduce you to my roommate's friend, I was thinking the two of you might hit it off..."
4
Volunteer together. Helping another person tends to boost self-esteem. By encouraging and supporting efforts to help others, you may boost a friend’s self-esteem in the process. ^{[4]
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- Or try having them help you. A person with low self-esteem ironically will often be more willing to help out a friend than themselves. Offering an opportunity to help another can set up for a moment to do something that builds self-esteem.
- For example, having a person help you with a relationship problem or fix your computer is helpful.
5
Provide a shoulder to cry on. If your friend wants to talk about her feelings or about the root of their low self-esteem, the most helpful thing you can do is listen while they process these issues. Often, if someone identifies the root cause of their self-esteem problems, they realize that their negative feelings about themselves come from outside.^{[5]
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6
Suggest inner voice modification. Ask your friend what their inner voice says to them about themselves. You’ll likely find that their inner voice is constantly negative.^{[6]
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Research source} Try to teach them to be more kind to themselves by stopping the negative self-talk and turning it around to something positive.
- For example, if their inner voice tells them, “I mess up every attempt at a relationship,” that supposes that one is cosmically doomed to be single based on one relationship. It also suggests that there is nothing one can learn from a failure, or skills to improve on. Hopefully, as a friend you can re-frame this assessment to declarations such as:
  - “This relationship did not work out, and it is better to know that sooner rather than later. Thank goodness that I learned now rather than be married and have three kids!"
  - "I may have to kiss a few more frogs before I find my prince. Most people do."
  - " I learned that I need to communicate better. I will work on that - it is something I can get better at.”
7
Suggest therapy, gently, if you think it will be helpful. If you feel that the other person has deeper issues than you can personally help with, try suggesting that they attend therapy. Both cognitive behavioral therapy and psychodynamic therapy can help with low self-esteem.^{[7]
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- You may want to approach this conversation carefully. You don’t want to alienate the other person or make them think that you think they are crazy.
- If you have ever been to therapy yourself, explain how much it helped you in the past.
- Do not be surprised or upset if your suggestion is immediately rejected. You may have planted a seed that will continue to grow in the other person’s mind; they may eventually decide to try a counselor.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Modeling Healthy Self-Esteem

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Spend time with your friend with low self-esteem. Just being around someone with higher self-esteem may help someone who is suffering from a lack of confidence. If you take opportunities to communicate your own self-perception, you can model healthy emotional well-being.^{[8]
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2
Model setting goals, taking risks, and resiliency. People with low self-esteem often hesitate to take risks or make goals because of a fear of failure. By making goals and taking risks yourself, you can show a healthy approach for life. Additionally, showing that failures are not disasters will help show that one can recover from setbacks. If possible, talk through your thought process with the person with low self-esteem. You may want to emphasize:
- What goal you are setting and why. (I want to run a 5K so I increase physical fitness.)
- What you will do when you achieve the goal. (When I finish that race, maybe I will think about running a half-marathon).
- How you will feel if you do not achieve it. What happens if I do my best and give it a shot and it does not work out? (I would be disappointed if I do not finish the race, but there is always another race. Besides, my real goal is to be more physically fit. If I am healthier, I am a winner. If running does not work out, there are other fitness activities I could try.)
- The possible outcomes of taking a risk. (I could get thinner. I could hurt my knees. I might look ridiculous in the gym. I may feel better. Maybe I will really like this.)
- How you will feel with the different outcomes. (I would be really happy to succeed, and feel more confident about myself. Injury would be bad, though. I hate feeling out of place, too.)
3
Express your inner voice. We all live with our own inner voices, and it’s difficult to know that your voice is abnormal if you have nothing to compare it to. Talking to someone with low self-esteem about the way you talk to and think about yourself can help him understand a more positive inner voice.^{[9]
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- Emphasize that even when things do not work out as you had hoped, you do not blame or berate yourself.
- Communicate that you do not assume that other people are judging or thinking bad things about you in their minds.
- Explain how you praise yourself for your accomplishments, and that being proud of yourself doesn’t mean being arrogant.
- Model an inner voice that actually shows the support that you would give a dear friend, not the abuse that you wouldn’t wish on anyone.
4
Explain that you are not perfect. To someone with low self-esteem, a person who has confidence may seem perfect. People with low self-esteem are often extremely self-critical, and when they compare themselves to others, they compare what they view as the worst parts of themselves with the best parts of others. Explaining that you are not—and you do not want to be—perfect, and that you love yourself anyway can go a long way to help someone with low self-esteem.^{[10]
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5
Show that you accept yourself. Use your words and actions to let the other person know that you accept yourself for who you are. Even if you have goals or ambitions, you are content with who you are now.^{[11]
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- Try using positive phrases such as “I am good at…” “I hope to continue to grow in…” “I embrace my…” and “I feel good when I…”
6
Explain your personal goal setting. Communicating to someone with low self-esteem that you have areas you'd like to improve that you do not necessarily view as weaknesses can help him understand a healthier way to assess himself.^{[12]
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- Whereas someone with low self-esteem may think, “I am a failure because I haven’t found a job,” you can model a better approach by saying, “I am a great employee, and am working towards finding a job that is the right fit for me.”
- Instead of expressing something like, “I am hopelessly disorganized,” you can say, “I am better at the ‘big picture’ ideas than the details, but I am working on becoming more organized and attentive to detail.”

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Understanding Low Self-Esteem

1
Realize that you may not be able to help. Ultimately, self-esteem is a personal issue, and people who have low self-esteem have to help themselves to truly get better. You can offer encouragement and support, but you cannot improve other people’s self-esteem.
2
Identify symptoms of low self-esteem. Being able to recognize the symptoms of low self-esteem can help you offer support to your loved one. Some symptoms to watch out for in people include:^{[13]
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- Making constant negative comments about themselves.
- Expressing that anything less than perfection in their life is unacceptable.
- Anxiety or panic when around new people.
- Giving up without even trying for fear of failure.
- Getting extremely defensive with little provocation.
- Assuming that others are always thinking the worst about them.
3
Talk about "self talk". One defining characteristic of low self-esteem is the constant presence of an inner over-critical voice. Often the person will talk this way about herself. If your loved one feels this way, she likely has low self-esteem. For example:
- "I'm such a fat pig, no wonder I don't have a boyfriend."
- "I hate my job, but no one would hire someone like me."
- "I'm such a failure."
4
Intervene before the problem intensifies. Be aware that low self-esteem can get worse, not better, with time if left untreated. If you think someone needs help, then you should talk to her sooner rather than later. Individuals whose self-esteem problems have escalated may be more likely to: ^{[14]
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- Tolerate abusive relationships
- Become bullies or abusers themselves
- Give up on dreams and goals for fear of failure
- Neglect personal hygiene
- Participate in self-injurious behavior

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Practicing Self-Care

1
Put up appropriate boundaries if needed. A person with poor self-esteem may become extremely needy. While you want to be helpful, you may also find yourself constantly getting distressing calls at 3 a.m., endless conversations about himself that drain you emotionally, or demands for meeting up when you have other social obligations. So you may have to put up some boundaries to keep the friendship from becoming toxic. For example:
- Your primary obligation is to your children. That does not mean your friend is not a priority, but your child's dance recital will be a higher priority than your friend's poetry reading.
- Calls after 10 p.m. must be a real emergency. A car accident is a real emergency, but a breakup with a girlfriend is not an emergency.
- You need time away from your friend to nurture other relationships. You value your friend but also need to spend time with other friends, family, boyfriends or girlfriends, and even time to yourself.
- You will talk about what is bothering your friend, but also about your own life, interests, and other things. Friendships are two-way relationships that have give-and-take.
2
Remember that you are a friend, not a therapist. Just as a therapist is not a social friend, a friend is ultimately not a therapist. In the effort to help someone with very low self-esteem, a friend may end up investing a lot of time and effort to fix the suffering friend, but not be able to. And that can make two people very, very unhappy and unbalanced. A therapist can make progress in a way that even a really, really great friend is usually not able to.
3
Do not accept abuse. People with low self-esteem unfortunately can become negative to others. Sometimes this gets so extreme that it becomes abusive. You are under no obligation to help a person who treats you in a hurtful manner, physically, verbally, or in any other way.
- Low self-esteem does not give a person a "free pass" to be cruel, no matter why the person has low self-esteem.
- You have a right to protect yourself from further pain. You may have to discontinue your friendship, and rightfully so.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you improve a child's self esteem?

Wits End Parenting
Parenting Specialists
Wits End Parenting is a parent-coaching practice based in Berkeley, California specializing in strong-willed, “spirited” children with impulsivity, emotional volatility, difficulty “listening,” defiance, and aggression. Wits End Parenting's counselors incorporate positive discipline that is tailored to each child’s temperament while also providing long-term results, freeing parents from the need to continually re-invent their discipline strategies.

Wits End Parenting

Parenting Specialists

Expert Answer

Chores and responsibilities are really helpful when it comes to making your child feel good about themselves. If a child isn’t just doing a job but instead they’re fulfilling their role as gardener or dog-walker, this gives them a concrete experience of making an important contribution to the family. This is great for their self-esteem and it also fosters empathy and cooperation. You can encourage some kids to do chores with rewards. Another great way to encourage them is to withhold post-work fun if they don't contribute. If everyone is going to get ice cream after Saturday chores and your daughter didn't do their chores, don't get them ice cream. To truly develop a sense of responsibility, it’s important to raise expectations. Raise and maintain high standards for your children's participation in the household, and don’t over-utilize material rewards.