How to Identify Your Enemies Before They Destroy You

Co-authored by Kim Chronister, PsyD and Christopher M. Osborne, PhD

Last Updated: May 9, 2022 References

Through no fault of your own, it’s a fact of life that you’ll face your fair share of enemies. An enemy may or may not intentionally try to hurt you, but they’ll always do things that go against your best interests. So it’s important to be able to pick out your enemies before they can really harm you. This article lists several strategies for identifying the enemies in your life—as well as a few for picking out your true friends and “frenemies.”

1

Enemies engage in destructive criticism.

Their criticism always tries to tear you down, not build you up. When a real friend gives you constructive criticism, their goal is to encourage and support you with their honesty. Don’t confuse this with destructive criticism—its sole goal is to make you feel bad about yourself, usually because your enemy thinks this will somehow help them feel better about themselves.^{[1]
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- A real friend might say, “Your presentation topic was very interesting, but I had trouble keeping up with how fast you were talking—I almost missed out on that excellent point you made in the middle part.”
- An enemy might say, “Why don’t you try stopping to take a breath next time? You expect us to be able to make sense of whatever it is you’re trying to say up there?”

2

Enemies spread gossip about you.

They try to hurt you by turning other people against you too. If someone acts like a friend to your face (or over social media), then goes behind your back to reveal your secrets or spread false rumors, they’re definitely not your friend. It’s true that a real friend might slip up occasionally—gossiping is hard to resist!—but they’ll come clean and apologize about it.^{[2]
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- Someone who is openly your enemy will be glad to let you know that they’re hurting you with gossip. Someone who is pretending to be a friend but is really an enemy will probably lie about gossiping, or they might try to explain that they were attempting to help you somehow.

3

Enemies sabotage your path to success.

They may try to hold you back even when it doesn’t help them. At school or work, your enemy might aim to sabotage you by making lots of little complaints about you to your teacher or boss. They might be doing it in an effort to gain a higher class rank than you or get a promotion instead of you, or they may simply take a cruel pleasure in hurting you. Here are a few other scenarios you might experience:^{[3]
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- They take an idea of yours, claim it as their own, and present it to your boss or teacher before you can.
- They “accidentally” mess up on a key part of a collaborative project that’s really important to you.
- They “forget” to share an important message with you, such as a change in a deadline.
- They distract you with inane questions or pointless conversation when you really need to focus.

4

Enemies may show defensive body language.

They might turn or lean away from you or put up physical barriers. Someone who doesn’t like you may subconsciously try to distance and defend themselves from you. In addition to leaning, turning, or subtly stepping back, they might put up barriers by standing with their arms crossed or sitting with crossed legs. Overall, you may just get the feeling that they really don’t want to be around you.^{[4]
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- They might stare at you more than normal, like a prey animal keeping a close eye out for a potential predator.
- Keep in mind that this type of defensive posture does not guarantee that someone is an enemy. The person could be very friendly but also very shy! Don’t rely strictly on body language—instead, use it along with other clues you pick up on.

5

Enemies may show aggressive body language.

Instead of being defensive, your enemy may go to the other extreme. Exaggerated body movements, whether defensive or aggressive, often indicate heightened emotions like anger. If the person is showing aggressive body language they may try to look bigger, such as by widening their hips and shoulders. Think of them like they’re an animal getting into a “don’t mess with me” pose!^{[5]
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- Instead of staring at you defensively, they might glare at you offensively—that is, like they’re the predator and you’re the prey animal.
- As with defensive body language, this isn’t a guaranteed sign of an enemy. Rely on body language as a clue, not the clue.

6

Enemies try to beat you at your own game.

They aim to gain a foothold and then overtake you before you realize it. In the business world, an enemy could be a “disruptor,” a competitor who exploits some vulnerable element of your business plan and surges past you. In your personal life, they might be an acquaintance who tries to steal the affections of your boyfriend or girlfriend through gossip and duplicity. In both cases, they want what you have and are willing to use what they know about you in order to get it.^{[6]
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- You’ve probably heard the old saying, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” Indeed, if you suspect someone is an adversary, it’s important to keep a close eye on them so you can respond quickly when they start to make a move against you.

7

Enemies lie about who they truly are.

This is a common tactic online and also happens in person. A popular technique among cyberbullies, for example, involves creating a fake persona, pretending to be a friend, and then hurting you for their own pleasure. Real-life enemies also commonly pretend to be something other than what they truly are, camouflaging their true intentions so they can get closer to their target. Not all liars are enemies, but nearly all enemies are liars!^{[7]
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- Always do some sleuthing when someone tries to befriend you online. Ask some questions and do some digging online to see if their story checks out.
- If you meet a new friend in person who just can’t seem to get their stories straight, raise your suspicion level. Ask yourself what they might have to gain by lying to you.

8

Enemies have “unconditional antagonism” toward you.

No matter the situation, they’re always working against your interests. Their antagonism may be due to jealousy, a desire for vengeance, psychological issues, or a combination of these and other potential factors. If a true friend is someone who always has your back, then a true enemy is someone who always stabs you in the back.^{[8]
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- You may never be able to figure out exactly why someone is your enemy, and sometimes they don’t even understand why. But it’s important to recognize them as your enemy regardless of their intent.

9

Enemies are needy, jealous, and selfish.

This is especially true in a “toxic” friendship. Not all enemies intend to be your enemy. Instead, they may be so self-centered that they don’t see—or don’t care—how their “friendship” hurts you. This type of toxic friend can be even more harmful to you than an open enemy is. Keep an eye out for signs like the following:^{[9]
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- Everything is all about them, not about you.
- They put you down in order to build themselves up.
- They crave your attention but don’t show any to you.
- They’re jealous of any other friendships you might have.
- They exaggerate or lie to get your sympathy.
- They’re hypocritical, holding themselves to a different standard than you.

10

Enemies don't support you like true friends do.

True friends are advocates for your best interests. Don’t focus so much on looking for enemies that you miss out on the benefits of having friends! A friend gives you advice, even when it’s hard for you to hear, because they want you to reach your goals and be happy. When times get tough, they rush in to support you instead of abandoning or betraying you. Whenever you do have an enemy, your friends are your best allies against them.^{[10]
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- Your friend may not always tell you what you want to hear—they might question the wisdom of your current romantic relationship, for example—but they’ll always tell you what they think you need to hear. Don’t confuse them for an enemy!

11

Enemies can become "frenemies" or even friends.

Not everyone fits neatly into "friend" or "enemy" categories. For one thing, people change over time, and someone who started out as a genuine friend might devolve into a real enemy. That said, some people just end up stuck in that in-between zone known as “frenemy”—they have your back sometimes and stab you in the back other times.^{[11]
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- It pays to reassess your relationships often, confirming that your friends are really your friends, your enemies are really your enemies, and your “frenemies” are still hanging out in between.