When Does Texting Count as Cheating?

Co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: November 9, 2021 References

When you’re in a relationship, you probably notice the texting patterns of your partner on a daily basis. If your partner has started texting much more often than usual or they’re texting one person in particular, it could make you feel a little suspicious (and rightfully so). We’ve answered your questions about texting in a relationship so you can decide when your partner is taking it too far.

Question 1 of 6:

Is texting another person considered cheating?

It can be, especially if it turns into an emotional relationship. Texting a friend or a coworker a few times throughout the day is probably fine—it means that the relationship is friendly and strictly platonic. Texting can turn into a problem when it happens almost all day, and you or your partner start to rely emotionally on your texting partner more than your IRL partner.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.}^{[2]
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- For instance, if you see text messages like, “You’re the only one who understands me,” “You looked so hot today,” or, “I love you,” that’s when you know it’s crossing the line.
- Or, you might see your partner sexting someone else.

Question 2 of 6:

What if your partner is texting someone else?

Ask your partner about their relationship. Your partner texting someone else doesn’t automatically mean they’re cheating on you. If they’re texting someone else, it could just be a friend or an acquaintance. If your partner acts shady or doesn’t want you to see their conversation, that’s when you know you might have a problem.^{[3]
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Go Ask Alice
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- Keep in mind that everyone deserves a right to privacy, and you shouldn’t expect access to your partner’s phone 100% of the time. However, you can ask to see their conversation just to put your mind at ease.

Question 3 of 6:

Can texting ruin a relationship?

It can, but it doesn't have to. Unfortunately, texting makes it much easier to cheat on your partner. Instead of sneaking out late at night or staying late at “work,” you can simply message someone on your phone from the comfort of your home. Texting isn’t always bad, but it can certainly open the door to infidelity.^{[4]
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- Some people believe that texting or emotional cheating isn’t as bad as physical cheating. However, they both hurt, and you don’t have to put up with cheating of any kind in your relationship.

Question 4 of 6:

What is considered cheating in a relationship?

That’s up to you and your partner to decide. Everyone’s relationship is different, and you might have different boundaries than someone else. For some people, they don’t mind when their partner flirts with someone else as long as there’s no sexual contact. For others, even just flirting is considered cheating. Sit down with your partner and talk about what’s okay and what isn’t to clearly define your relationship and make sure you’re both happy.^{[5]
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- For a lot of people, texting someone once or twice throughout the day is fine, but having full on conversations 24/7 with them is pushing it.
- If you or your partner feel secretive about the person you're texting, or if you're sharing details about your relationship without your partner knowing it, the relationship is probably crossing a line.^{[6]
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  Expert Source
  
  Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.}

Question 5 of 6:

What is considered emotional cheating?

1
It's forming an emotional bond outside of the relationship. It implies that you’re more than just friends with this person, even though you haven’t necessarily done anything sexual. If you’re having an emotional affair with someone, you might open up to them about your feelings or tell them things you haven’t told your partner.^{[7]
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2
Emotional cheating is more than just a friendship. It’s important (and healthy!) to have friends outside of your relationship. If you or your partner have close friends, that’s totally fine. The relationship only crosses into cheating territory when it becomes a deep, emotional bond, close to a romantic relationship.^{[8]
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- For instance, you might text a friend once or twice a week and hang out with them in person a few times a month.
- In an emotional affair, you’d probably text this person every day, and you might try to hang out with them as much as possible, even if it means not seeing your partner as much.

Question 6 of 6:

What are the signs that your partner is cheating?

1
They’re secretive about their phone. Maybe they put a password on it recently, or they get nervous when you ask to borrow their phone. If your partner is suddenly super protective over their device, there might be something on there they don’t want you to see. It’s not a surefire sign of cheating, but it is a big red flag.^{[9]
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2
You can’t get ahold of them sometimes. They might say that their phone was dead or that they were in a meeting, even if you know that’s not true. If there are periods of time when you just can’t reach your partner, it could be a sign that they’re out doing something shady. This is especially true if it happens often, like a few times per week.^{[10]
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3
They’re less intimate with you. This could mean emotionally or physically. If you feel like you don’t talk as much or your sex life has really slowed down, it could mean that your partner is getting their needs met elsewhere. While this isn’t always 100% true (there could be other reasons for this change), it is a red flag.^{[11]
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- Depression often makes people close up or not want to have sex as much. If this is the only sign you’re noticing, make sure you check in on your partner to see if they’re doing okay before you accuse them of cheating.