How to Learn to Shut People Out

Last Updated: September 9, 2022 References

Most people need time to themselves once in a while. Stress and pressure from school, work, or interpersonal relationships can make you want to get away from people and have some “me” time. There are also times when an individual or group of people annoys or upsets you. This may make you want to keep these people from affecting your life. You can shut an individual or group of people out by distancing yourself in person, blocking them out virtually, and addressing your feelings.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Distancing Yourself in Person

1
Remain polite at all times. Even if you want to completely shut out someone from your life, it’s important to always be polite. This can leave the door open if you want to rekindle your relationship with the person in the future. It can also keep the situation getting worse and involving other people.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- Extend civility in any situation, especially when others are around. You don’t want to leave a bad impression of yourself because of your personal issues. For example, if a person whom you want to shut out asks how you are, say, “I’m fine, thank you” in a neutral tone. This brief answer lets the person know you don’t want any further contact without ignoring the person or saying something impolite.
2
Remove yourself from potential contact. You may be in a situation, such as work or school, which requires you to see the individual or group regularly. Finding ways to avoid potential contact can help you more effectively shut out a person or people.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- Take note of people’s schedules. This can help you avoid any type of contact with them, including small talk or arguments. If a person you want to shut out goes for happy hour at the same place every week, choose a new location to meet with your friends and colleagues.
- Recognize that it may take a while for people to get the message that you’re avoiding them at all costs. If you see the person you're shutting out, be pleasant and say hello.
Advertisement
3
Limit your contact. If you have to interact with someone and can’t avoid it, limit your exposure as much as possible. Respond to questions, messages, phone calls, or other types of contact only when necessary. This sets boundaries and can decrease any stress you may feel. It also helps send the message that you don’t want contact with the person.
- Keep responses as brief and polite as possible. For example, if someone emails you a long note, you can choose to acknowledge it or not. Keep your response to the bare minimum necessary. For instance, you can only write “Thank you for the information, John. I’ll have a look at it and get back to you.”
- Keep your comments to people brief and polite as well. A simple statement such as, “Thank you for your help, I appreciate it,” followed by you returning to what you were doing sends a clear signal that you don’t want any contact.
- When you engage with someone, leave no room for further conversation. For example, you can say "Thank you for your assistance. Have a nice day."
4
Create distance among acquaintances. You may be trying to shut out one specific person, but there may be difficulties. You may have mutual friends, family members, or colleagues with this person. If this is the case, you may need to establish boundaries or distance with these people as well. This can help you more effectively shut out the desired person.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- Recognize that distancing yourself from people to cut out an individual or group may result in you being cut out of relationships. You can politely decline invitations from people you like by saying something like, “Thanks for the offer, Caroline. Sorry to turn it down, but I already have plans this evening. Please give everyone my best wishes.”
- See people on an individual basis to avoid potentially uncomfortable situations. Try saying something like, “I’d love to go out, Caroline, but I’m struggling to feel comfortable in groups. Can we get together for dinner next week? Maybe just the two of us?”
- Meet acquaintances one-on-one so that you can maintain a relationship without including the person you want to shut out.
- Take creating distance as an opportunity to try new activities and meet new people if you want.
5
Inform the person(s) of your wishes. Despite your best efforts, you may not get the message across that you want no contact. Letting the person or group know your wishes in a polite manner can shut them out of your life entirely.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- To avoid drama, remain as kind and honest as possible, but don't make excuses. Be direct.^{[5]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Evan Parks, PsyD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 26 October 2021.} For example, say, “I don't feel as though we have much in common any more. I would feel better ending our friendship. I wish you nothing but the best.”
- With colleagues, you can say, “Alan, I think it’s best we speak only when absolutely necessary. I wish you the best.”^{[6]
  X
  Research source}
- Tell the individual or group in person if possible. Send a polite, handwritten note or email if this is easier for you. Doing so can give you confidence about your decision while showing respect to the other parties.^{[7]
  X
  Research source}
- Focus your comments on yourself. Say, “I really need to concentrate on myself right now. I think that it’s the best for us to not have any contact.” This not only shuts the person out of your life, but can keep the individual from feeling badly.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Blocking Out People Virtually

1
Delete social media profiles. People use social media sites including Facebook, Tumbler, Instagram, blogs, and Snapchat as a way of communicating with others. You may even be saturated with pictures and comments of the person or group you want to avoid. Keeping yourself away from these sites can help you shut out any person you want.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- Block or hide the feeds of anyone you want to cut out. You can also delete or deactivate yourself to your accounts to keep yourself from checking them. These tactics not only send out the message that you don’t want contact, but can also help you gain valuable “me” time.
- Handle questions about your decision politely. Say, “Honestly, I want a break to focus on myself,” or, “I blocked Frank because I find our relationship unproductive and negative. I need a break from him.”
2
Manage correspondence. Email has made contacting people very easy and is often the preferred correspondence method in schools and workplaces. If there is someone you want to shut out, learn to manage emails in an effective and professional way.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- Channel emails to a special folder for the person or group’s emails. This will let you decide if and when you want to respond.
- Respond to emails in a timely fashion if you can’t ignore them. Remember to keep it as brief and neutral as possible to signal the person you don’t want contact.
- Block messages altogether if you can avoid the person and are sure you want to cut the individual off completely.
3
Avoid answering phone calls and texts. The person or group you want to shut out may try calling you, leaving voice messages, or sending texts. You can choose to block the person’s phone number or simply ignore the messages. Not only does this keep you from having to deal with the person, but also sends a message that you don’t want contact.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- Check the caller ID before picking up any phone calls. You can easily avoid the person if you know the individual’s phone numbers.
- Delete voice and text messages immediately. This can keep you from hearing the person’s voice and seeing the messages, both of which may cause you stress.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Addressing Your Feelings

1
Figure out your feelings. You may want to shut out someone or a group for many different reasons. These may include a bad experience, a failed romance, or wanting to pursue other endeavors. Determining why you want to shut out the individual or group can help you deal with the situation in a more constructive way.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- Write down a list of reasons you want to shut out someone. This may help you realize that avoiding the individual is more constructive than shutting the person out entirely. For example, if you write, “Hannah said something that offended me. I don’t want to see her,” you might want to shut the person out for a while. Writing something like “Max betrayed our friendship by stealing my girlfriend" may help you realize it's best to cut out your friend and ex.
2
Allow yourself “me” time. If you decide that you just need time away from a person or people, let yourself enjoy time to yourself. This can help you refocus and enjoy new things without the influence of something that may make you stressed or unhappy.^{[12]
X
Research source}
- Consider giving yourself a break from activities such as extra-curricular sports or clubs, family outings, or professional engagements. You can let people know, “I’d love to join you, but I need some time to myself.”
3
Seek professional help. Cutting off contact with many people in your life may be a sign of a more serious problem. Depression and anxiety can cause a loss of interest in friends, family members, and colleagues. If you find that you are shutting out loved ones with no real reason, consider seeing a doctor to rule out depression or anxiety. The doctor can also help treat your feelings.^{[13]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Schedule an appointment with a counselor, psychologist, or a psychiatrist. The mental health professional can help diagnose any conditions that may make you want to shut out people.
- Be honest with the doctor about why you’re seeking counseling. Answer any questions the therapist may ask. These can provide insight on why you’re shutting out people from your life.
4
Avoid feeling guilty. It is not a bad thing to cut out unproductive, stressful, or negative relationships in your life. As long as you handle the matter in a mature and polite manner, you do not need to justify your actions.
- You may be questioned about your actions, but stay firm in your decision. This will help you create boundaries.
- If someone doesn't agree with your decision, try to avoid engaging with them on the matter.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you let go of a toxic friend?

Evan Parks, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Evan Parks is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and an Adjunct Assistant Professor at The Michigan State University College of Human Medicine. With over 25 years of experience, he specializes in helping people manage chronic pain through the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) Approach at Mary Free Bed Rehabilitation Hospital. He also has experience working with others on topics ranging from stress management to mental flexibility. Dr. Parks is also the author of Chronic Pain Rehabilitation: Active Pain Management That Helps You Get Back to the Life You Love. Dr.Parks holds a BA in Theology from Cedarville University, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Western Michigan University, and a PsyD in Clinical Psychology from The Forest Institute of Professional Psychology.

Evan Parks, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Don't try to send a message with actions. Instead, just be direct with your ex-friend, tell them you are moving on, and wish them well.
Question

How do you build walls around your heart and emotions?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Be careful not to cut yourself off emotionally from yourself. This is unhealthy. It's best to be mindful of why you are afraid of getting hurt or being vulnerable in the first place. Addressing those issues is healthier than "building walls." Walls keep others out, but they also keep you trapped in.
Question

How can I shut out everyone in school when I need to think about life?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

It helps to turn off electronics such as phones temporarily to avoid distraction and to get off social media as well. Go to a location where you can focus better, such as nature for self-contemplation or the library for school work.