How to Leave a Dismissive Avoidant

Co-authored by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: July 22, 2022 References

Are you ready to break things off with your dismissive avoidant partner? This attachment style can make them hard to read—instead of opening up about their emotions, your partner might shut down or close themselves off, which can make a breakup more difficult.^{[1]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} In this article, we’ll walk you through the process of leaving your dismissive avoidant partner in the healthiest way possible (for both of you).

1

Set a deadline for breaking up.

A deadline helps you stay firm in your decision to break up. With dismissive avoidant partners, you might often have hope that they’ll change their ways or meet your needs somehow. However, if you’ve already talked to your partner about what you need and they aren’t changing, give yourself a timeline for how long you’ll wait. Then, stay firm in your decision to end the relationship once the time comes.^{[2]
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- For instance, maybe you’ll give your partner a month to start opening up to you before calling it quits.
- Or, you could give them 2 weeks to make changes after you’ve talked to them about your needs.

2

Use a matter of fact tone.

Dismissive avoidants have a hard time processing emotions. Although your natural instinct might be to express yourself fully and pour your heart out, for many dismissive avoidant people, that can be overwhelming. When you sit down to have the breakup talk, try to keep your emotions in check, and use a calm, matter of fact tone the best you can.^{[3]
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- It can be really hard to control your emotions during such a difficult conversation. If you need to, take some deep breaths and count to 10 to stay calm before you talk.
- Talk in a calm, open, and gentle manner.^{[4]
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- Use I statements and avoid using the word you too much.^{[5]
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- If you are critical, blame your partner, or do not take responsibility, you may trigger defensiveness in your partner.^{[6]
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3

Give clear reasons for why you want to break up.

Take the guesswork out of it so your ex doesn’t have to wonder. When you’re super specific about your reasoning for the breakup, there’s more closure for the both of you. Although it can feel tough, take the time to explain exactly why you don’t see the relationship working out.^{[7]
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- “We’ve tried so hard to match our communication styles, and it just isn’t working. I need a partner who will talk through issues with me instead of avoiding them.”
- “My emotional needs just aren’t being met. We’ve both tried to compromise with each other, and I think we’re both still unhappy.”

4

Mention your incompatibility.

Make your differences clear so there’s no confusion. Even for people with dismissive avoidant attachment styles, it’s important to emphasize that you two aren’t going to work in a relationship. Focus on your incompatibility to let your ex know that it’s not entirely their fault that the relationship is ending—it’s just that you two aren’t right for each other.^{[8]
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- “It seems like we want different things in life, and neither of us are willing to compromise about them.”
- “You need a partner who is independent, and I need someone who is more emotionally invested in me. I think that at our cores, we just aren’t compatible.”

5

Be concise and firm.

Give your partner closure so they don’t hold onto hope. While it can be tempting to tell your partner that you’re open to rekindling things in the future, doing this can actually hurt them more in the long-run. As you tell them why you want to break up, be sure that you’re not making any promises that you can’t (or don’t want to) keep.^{[9]
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- “I think that we’d both be happier if we ended things now. I don’t see a future in this relationship. I’m sorry.”
- “I think it would be best if we saw other people. We aren’t suited for each other.”

6

Soften the blow with something positive.

Many dismissive avoidants have low self-worth.^{[10]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source} When you break up with them, they could take the breakup to heart and assume that there is something wrong with them that made it not work out. Try to assure your partner that they’re not fundamentally broken or a bad person—your relationship together just isn’t working.^{[11]
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- “We’ve had a lot of great moments together, and I’ve loved exploring the world with you.”
- “You helped me get through so many tough moments. You really were my rock.”

7

Don’t take their coldness personally.

Dismissive avoidants tend to shut down when they feel hurt. Don’t be surprised if your ex doesn’t say much or gets up and leaves after you break up with them. This is a coping mechanism that they learned early on during childhood, and they’re using it so that they don’t feel hurt.^{[12]
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- If you can tell that your ex is starting to shut down, give them an out by saying something like, “Do you need some time to process this?” or, “Is there anything you’d like to say to me?”

8

Stay firm in your decision to break up.

Don’t let your ex convince you to stay in a bad relationship. Sometimes (but not always), a dismissive avoidant person will promise to do better or make changes in the relationship. However, that’s very rarely the case—if you’ve given them the opportunity to change and they haven’t, they probably aren’t going to. Don’t let yourself be swayed by whatever they say, and remain firm in your breakup status.^{[13]
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- If they do try to say that they’ll change, you can say something like, “That’s very nice of you to say, but I’ve heard you say that before. I’m sorry, but I’m not willing to wait for you to change anymore.”

9

Be prepared for your partner to downplay your relationship.

Dismissive avoidants will often do this so they feel fewer emotions. Right after your breakup, you might notice that your ex moves on quickly or says that they aren’t hurt much at all. Keep in mind that this is mostly for show. Dismissive avoidants shut down their emotions because they’re uncomfortable talking about them—it doesn’t mean that your relationship wasn’t special or important to them.^{[14]
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- Many people with dismissive avoidant attachment styles have trouble maintaining lasting relationships. You might see your ex move onto flings or one night stands fairly quickly after your breakup.

10

Ask a friend to check up on your ex if you’re worried.

Many dismissive avoidants are more prone to depression and loneliness.^{[15]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source} If you’re worried about your ex after you break up with them, ask one of their friends to check on them and see how they’re doing. You don’t want to do it yourself, since that could give them false hope. Instead, pick one of their friends who you know will support them through this tough time.
- Dismissive avoidant people are also less likely to reach out to their friends. If you can tell your ex’s friends what they’re going through, they’ll be much more able to help them out.

11

Go no contact to start healing.

Taking time away from your ex can help you move on. After the initial breakup, block your ex’s number and unfollow them on social media. Not seeing what they’re up to is going to be much better for your healing process than if you keep tabs on them. Ask your friends not to share updates about them, and focus on making yourself happy, one day at a time.^{[16]
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- Make sure you practice self care by making time to do one nice thing for yourself every day.