How to Live With Someone You Hate

Last Updated: September 15, 2021 References

It is very hard to live with a person you dislike. But before you read this, you should consider whether you truly hate this person. Regardless, while living with someone you don't like is challenging, there are certain things you can do make it easier. Communication is key to any relationship, even that of roommates. This article addresses how to communicate with someone you dislike and outlines strategies to reduce conflict in your living situation.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Learning to Communicate with a Difficult Person

1
Think about your interactions with your unpleasant roommate. It is quite possible that you have not been communicating effectively with this person, and that's where the difficulty lies.
- Have you been short with or rude to your roommate?
- What specifically annoys you about this person? Are there specific habits that bother you or is your dislike of the person you live with more general?
- It could be that you haven't been the most pleasant roommate either, or that you could communicate your feelings in a healthy way to improve your relationship with this person.
- Evaluate your own actions and how you could be a better roommate.
2
Prepare for interaction. You know you might be having an uncomfortable conversation with your roommate, so prepare what you want to say ahead of time.^{[1]
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- Try to think positively about the upcoming conversation. Going into it with a bad attitude won't help.
- Take a deep breathe and try to be calm.
- Think of exactly what you want to say, making sure you say it respectfully.
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3
Initiate rapport. Seek out your roommate to have a conversation, so you give the impression of wanting to talk to them.^{[2]
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- Make eye contact.
- Use their name.
- Work to make a connection and be pleasant.
- Speak in a calm, nice tone.
4
Actively listen to the other person. Sometimes, a relationship goes sour because you don't listen to the other persons point of view. Effective communication might help you understand their needs better—and have your needs understood.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Julia Yacoob, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.}^{[4]
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- Make sure you focus on what they are saying, not how it makes you feel initially.
- Don't interrupt your roommate. Let them finish.
- Nod or acknowledge that you are listening and hearing what they have to say.
5
Clarify your understanding. This will show you are listening to the other person and make sure you are really understanding what they are trying to say.^{[5]
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- Follow up with clarification statements.
- Say something like "Let me understand what you are trying to tell me…." or "Help me understand what you want me to do…"
- Maintain a pleasant and calm voice.
6
Be polite. You don't want to give off the idea that this person is bothering you.
- Don't call names, shout, or get sarcastic even if the other person does.
- You can say "Please stop yelling at me" or "If you yell at me I can't understand what I can do to solve this problem…"
- Respond to them in a pleasant voice. Don't let them know they are getting to you.
7
Be silent if necessary. You don't want to engage a person who is overly angry or aggressive.
- If your roommate becomes hostile, be silent until they calm down.
- If someone is ranting, eventually they will run out of steam. Then you can reassess if you want to continue the conversation or try again when they are calmer.
- Whatever you do, don't yell or get hostile back.
8
Wait to be invited back into the discussion. Once the other person is quiet and calmer, you can try to initiate conversation again.
- Respond in a low, calm voice. Try not to sound bossy or authoritative.
- You can initiate the conversation again with something like "As I was saying…" or "So, this is how I think we can solve this…"
- If the other person becomes angry or hostile again, be silent or end the conversation. You are the messenger and you don't have to engage a hostile person.
9
Confirm that you will follow up the conversation. If you both agree to work on your conflict, then you will want to discuss it again soon.
- Clearly state what you intend to do to solve the situation.
- Confirm that the other person wants to open dialogue again in the future.
- Give a realistic time-frame for having a second discussion.
10
End the conversation politely. Make sure your roommate knows you no longer want to continue talking, especially if they become angry.^{[6]
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- You can say "Thank you for letting me know how I can work this out. We'll talk again later"
- If the other person is angry or hostile, simply say "We are done here…" and walk away.
- Don't get angry in return. That will not solve your communication problems.
- Maintain a calm and pleasant demeanor even at the end of the interaction.
- Don't be afraid to leave a bad housing situation if you have to.^{[7]
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  Julia Yacoob, PhD
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.}

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Establishing Rules for Your Living Space

1
Have a discussion with any potential roommates. It is ideal to do this before you move in.^{[8]
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- Knowing what the other person's lifestyle and habits are can help you prepare to live together.
- This can help you decide where you need to establish some ground rules for living together.
- Make a copy of anything you both agree to and sign it.
2
Decide how bills will be shared. Finances are a big source of conflict with people you are living with. It is a good idea to plan from the beginning how financial matters will be taken care of.^{[9]
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- Read your lease to see how your landlord prefers to be paid. They may require one monthly check. If that's the case, arrange with your roommate(s) a schedule of who will send in a check each month and a date for you to pay that person your share.
- Decide who will pay each utility bill. Most apartments or houses will require the tenants to have some of the utilities in their name.
- If you are paying a utility bill, keep copies of the bill and show your roommate the total when it comes time to collect money.
- It is usually the best policy to share all expenses equally, outside of personal or food purchases.
3
Agree on how basic household chores will be done. Make a schedule of cleaning and stick to it.^{[10]
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- It is often a good idea to have a rotating schedule of who takes out trash, cleans the bathroom, does vacuuming etc. That way no one gets stuck with the same chore all the time.
- In regards to dishes, it is always the best policy to clean up after yourself in the kitchen. Don't expect your roommates to do your dishes and vice versa.
- Don't expect your roommate to do more than his/her share of the household chores.
4
Establish rules about considerate behavior. You and the person you live with will have to be considerate of each other in terms of noise, use of personal items, guests, smoking etc.
- Talk about how often you are comfortable with having overnight guests. Make sure the host knows their responsibilities about cleaning up after guests.
- Discuss how much noise you are comfortable with. If you need quiet time, let your roommates know in advance.
- Establish rules about the use of each others things and space. Make sure you are considerate when using things that don't belong to you. Make your expectations clear when you lend something of yours.^{[11]
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- Also, be considerate of using space in common areas. Don't take up the whole living room with your belongings, for example.
- If you are smoker, offer to smoke outside. If your roommate smokes, ask politely for them to not smoke in the house/apartment. Leases will commonly specify no smoking in the rental unit, anyway.

Expert Q&A

Question

What do you do when you can't stand your family?

Julia Yacoob, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Julia Yacoob is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist practicing in New York City. She specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for adults coping with a variety of symptoms and life stressors. Dr. Yacoob earned an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Rutgers University, and pursued specialized training at Weill Cornell Medical College, New York Presbyterian Hospital, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, the Institute for Behavior Therapy, and Bellevue Hospital Cancer Center. Dr. Yacoob is a member of the American Psychological Association, Women’s Mental Health Consortium, NYC Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Association, and Association for Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies.

Julia Yacoob, PhD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Remember that you're never really trapped. You always have the choice to leave, even though this might bring a whole set of problems and inconveniences. If the situation is really unmanageable, it is probably worth considering what your options are. I believe that simply knowing that is a relief for a lot of people.
Question

How do you put up with someone you can't stand?

Julia Yacoob, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Julia Yacoob is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist practicing in New York City. She specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for adults coping with a variety of symptoms and life stressors. Dr. Yacoob earned an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Rutgers University, and pursued specialized training at Weill Cornell Medical College, New York Presbyterian Hospital, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, the Institute for Behavior Therapy, and Bellevue Hospital Cancer Center. Dr. Yacoob is a member of the American Psychological Association, Women’s Mental Health Consortium, NYC Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Association, and Association for Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies.

Julia Yacoob, PhD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

If that someone is close to you, try to open up with a calm conversation to see if the situation can be ironed out, especially if it was caused by a miscommunication between you. Try to think of small and concrete things to address in the immediate future.