How to Make Friends in Your Thirties

Co-authored by Kevin Wang

Last Updated: February 10, 2023

While it may seem as though we make most of our friends when we are young, friendship is a lifelong journey, and it is possible to meet new, interesting friends at each stage of our lives. Making friends when you’re a little older might seem tricky, but it can be an opportunity to foster deep relationships with a more diverse and exciting circle of people.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Meeting New Friends

1
Say “yes” more to invitations. Often times others are reaching out to you to make connections and build friendships, but we turn them down because we are so accustomed to our routines. Next time you're invited to a party or out shopping by someone whose company you enjoy, challenge yourself to accept the invitation rather than staying home.
2
Join MeetUp. MeetUp is a great resource to use to meet others with similar interests or goals. You can join the community online, then become a member of a meetup group depending on the types of events you are looking to go to and find others accompany you. Some examples of MeetUp groups include those for ages 30-39, young professionals, hikers, tennis players, and many more.

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3
Volunteer. This is a great way to meet others with passions that align with yours, as well as to meet friends who are passionate and care about their community, characteristics that are important in friends. If you have have fun with someone will working and giving back to the less fortunate then it is likely that that fun will translate beyond a volunteering experience.
- Look for volunteer opportunities that match your interests online or by using local community resources such as the library.
4
Use social media. Social media can be a very powerful tool in helping you connect with others. If you see friends of yours on Facebook who share a story or write a status about a topic of interest, comment that you agree or that you find what they shared funny or interesting. As time passes, it will be appropriate to message and ask this person to coffee or lunch to get to know each other better.
5
Talk to people. Talk to the maintenance guy who's fixing the light bulb above your desk at work, talk to the woman in front of you at the vending machine, talk to the new guy at work. Opportunities for social interaction surround you in nearly every place that you go. Often times, you’ll find that most people enjoy being social and are looking for new friends as well.
6
Talk to friends-of-friends. It’s likely that your existing friends likely have other friends that you could get along well with. Given that your friend likes you, they probably enjoy spending time with lots of other interesting people too. If you’re going to a party, barbeque or dinner and you don’t know many people, make an effort to introduce yourself. You’ll also appear very warm, welcoming and energetic.
7
Make a professional connection personal. Have you ever met someone at a conference or networking event and just spent ages talking in the corner? Real connections can be made anywhere and don’t have to be constrained by the boundaries of “private life” or “work life.” Do you have a coworker who wants to go see a new movie that you're dying to see? Invite them to go with you! Work with someone who enjoys trying new restaurants? Ask them to go with you to the new Italian place you've been wanting to try.
8
Join a club or organization based on your interests. A strong friendship is most likely to develop between persons with commonalities or with similar hobbies. Many cities offer opportunities like book clubs and sports teams or spaces like churches or coffee shops that make it easy to meet and make new friends. If a club or organization doesn’t exist for a particular interest you have, consider creating one.
9
Think about who you want and need as a friend. As you get older, your schedule becomes more compact and you have more demands on your time, making any free time you have more precious. You are under no obligations to make friends, so think about who you would truly enjoy spending time with. For example, if you are a new mother, it might be a good idea to make friends with other mothers to share experiences and support.
- Choose friends with similar values. Friendship groups should be diverse, but if you can respect each other's beliefs and values, it will avoid negative influence. Friends with similar values also hold each other accountable.
- Choose friends who will balance you. It is a good idea to have friends who excel in areas where you struggle, as well as having friends who can appreciate your own talents. This mix of strengths and weaknesses creates fantastic synergy. If you are a little untidy, make friends with someone who is very organized. If you struggle to keep to an exercise routine, find someone who is passionate about working out. If you can utilize each other's strengths, then everyone wins.^{[1]
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10
Embrace the opportunity to widen your circle. Treat the opportunity to make new friends as a positive experience that will allow you to grow. A mental attitude like this can make you seem very attractive and boost your confidence when meeting new people.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Communicating with Your New Friends

1
Listen intently when others are speaking. Listen actively and engage with and respond to what other people are saying, avoiding unnecessary distractions like cell phone use. People become rapidly aware if someone is not listening to them, and lose interest in the conversation, making it difficult for you to develop a friendship with them.
- Ask questions to show that you heard what someone said. This also allows you to clarify a point or develop and idea. It encourages people to open up and creates a more solid foundation for the discussion. For example, if someone mentions that they went shopping recently you might ask “what did you buy?” This will help continue the conversation and will show your interest.
- Paraphrase pieces of the conversation. This is a great tool to show that you have listened to and understood a person. It involves repeating back what a person has said, perhaps with your own comment as a brief addition. For example, "So Simon, what you're saying is that you'd rather spend more time with the family, rather than feeling like you always have to work?"
- Respond appropriately. Nod and use appropriate gestures. Allow someone to make their point before you make yours. Reserve judgement and share your own opinions in a respectful manner. Be candid, honest and open in your responses.^{[2]
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2
Foster positive body language. Body language demonstrates a great deal about who you are and the kind of relationship you are trying to create as well as your level of interest in the conversation. It influences how you feel and how people respond to you. Stand up tall, with your shoulders back, and take up space. Create a welcoming, comfortable persona.
- Smile. When you smile at someone, you give the impression that you are approachable and trustworthy. Research indicates that we remember those you smile at us, and humans can spot a smile over 300 feet away
- Reduce nervous gestures. When we are nervous, we pacify ourselves with self-touching, perhaps by playing with our hair or jewelry, fidgeting or adjusting our clothes. This can be rude or inappropriate in some contexts, and it also robs our statements of credibility. Take a deep breath and steady yourself when you feel tempted to engage in such gestures.
- Maintain eye contact regularly. This shows that you are listening and helps you to keep focus. It also demonstrates that you find what the person is saying interesting. However, do not stare; take small breaks from making eye contact by looking down momentarily.
- Talk with your hands and use open gestures. Talking with our hands can stimulate thinking, and it also shows you have nothing to hide. Keep your movements slow and relaxed, show the palms of your hands and use open-arm gestures.^{[3]
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3
Don't interrupt someone speaking. Doing this would indicate that you aren't really listening and care more about what you have to say than what they have to say. It defeats the point of successful communication.
- Try not to finish other people's sentences. You might think this is an indication that you are developing a closer bond. However, you are actually disempowering a person by not letting them finish their thought. ^{[4]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Strengthening Your Connection

1
Foster your friendship. Think about how much time you spent with friends in school or college. Those friendships grew gradually as a result of the time and effort you invested and the fun you had together. You need to make the time now because proximity is important. Try to think of new and exciting ways you and a new friend could spend time together, especially if you’re keen to avoid getting stuck in a routine. This might include:
- Getting together at a new restaurant.
- Having a weekly movie or poker night.
- Volunteering together.
- Doing some home improvement or gardening.
- Booking a spa day.
2
Do something new that you’ve always wanted to do. This can be a one-time experience or a new hobby. Sharing a novel experience with a new friend is a great way to connect and have a memory that will last forever. Meeting people who are interested in trying new things is a great way to connect and have things to talk about. You might want to try:
- Cooking classes.
- Learning a new language.
- Playing a team sport.
- Dance lessons.
- Going to a concert or open-mic night.
- Learning to paint, draw or sculpt.
- Joining a craft group.
- Getting involved in a drama group or choir.
3
Find out more about what your new friend likes to do. Does your new friend like to watch movies? Ask them if they would like to go to the movies with you. Friendships develop when both parties are able to explore their interests together.
4
Reconnect with old friends. If you’ve been meaning to reach out to someone, now is the time to do it. If you feel that calling after so long might be a little intimate, get in contact via social media. Since you already have an established friendship with this person, you can forego much of the “getting to know you” segment of the friendship and proceed instead to catching up and deepening your friendship.
5
Travel as often as you can. Travelling alone can seem scary, but so many exciting connections are made on the road. No matter the length of the trip, travelling alone encourages you to open up. When you meet someone, a store of amazing memories and shared experiences is created.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I make friends when I'm afraid of approaching new people?

Christy Irvine, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Christy Irvine is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the owner of her private practice out of Portland, Oregon. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in individual and couples therapy using various techniques including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Interpersonal-Process Therapy, and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT). Dr. Irvine holds a B.A. in Psychology from Whitman College and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The University of Connecticut.

Christy Irvine, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

One way to overcome that fear would be to recognize it. Simple recognition that you're feeling nervous, fearful, or anxious around new people can be a really powerful thing. Pay attention to what your fear is, and what the experience of fear feels like. Just noticing that in the moment can be really helpful. From there, recognize that your fear is simply a feeling that will pass, and remind yourself what's important about making a new friend or approaching somebody new.
Question

Why is it hard to make friends in your 30s?

Kevin Wang
Social Events Specialist
Kevin Wang is a Social Events Specialist and the Founder and CEO of Amiccio, a New York City social app and social events platform that helps people make new connections. Kevin’s work focuses on connecting singles and new friends by hosting socials, dance classes, and speed dating events. He holds a BS in Economics from Duke University.

Kevin Wang

Social Events Specialist

Expert Answer

In your 30s, you might not have the social structure of a school or new workplace like you had in your 20s. However, you do have life experiences and existing relationships to build off of! By your 30s, you've probably picked up a couple of hobbies (or at least tried some)—and since many hobbies are social in nature, they can put you in situations where you can meet new people.

Warnings

Don't throw all your emotions at someone you just met. Friendships take time to develop, but in the long run, it's well worth it.

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Don’t be rude to your new friends; this will chase them away and make them less likely to spend time with you.

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