How to Not Be Rude

Co-authored by William Gardner, PsyD

Last Updated: August 6, 2021 References

Politeness is key in many social interactions. Whether you're meeting someone for the first time, or are cultivating a lifelong relation with a friend, there's little to be gained in appearing rude. Unfortunately, the fact remains that most rudeness is unintentional, and the result of misunderstanding and a lack of self-awareness. Being polite is one thing. Not being rude is another. If you've found yourself in a position where you've given someone the wrong impression, bad social habits can thankfully be reversed. Being conscious of the way you present yourself is the first step towards improving it.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Speaking Politely

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Think before you speak.^{[1]
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Research source} So many social errors could be avoided if only more thought were involved. A truly gifted conversationalist will always try to filter what he says before he finally says it. While thinking about everything you're going to say may sound exhausting to some, it doesn't require a lot of brainpower. Really, all you'll usually need is a split-second to figure whether something you say might negatively affect someone around you. If you have a bad feeling about saying something, it's best to keep your mouth shut for the time being.
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Monitor your voice. It may help to be conscious of the way your voice is sounding when you speak.^{[2]
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Research source} While it may be distracting to focus on yourself when you're trying to have a conversation, casually keeping track of the tone, speed and volume of your voice can go a long way towards preventing unintentional rudeness.
- In particular, be careful with your talking speed. Nervous or awkward people tend to accelerate their speech when they're under pressure. This only serves to add to the awkwardness.
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Demonstrate empathy in your conversation.^{[3]
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Research source} There's a lot empathy can do for you in a conversation. Being seen as polite and considerate isn't least among the benefits. Empathy is something virtually everyone has to some extent. The key to bringing it out is to invest a legitimate interest in what the other person is saying. If someone is telling you something about his life, make a concerted effort to see things from his point of view. If he recently lost his job, for example, try to empathize with how that might feel. Empathetic people are in tune with the other person's feelings and it's easier to charm them as such.
- Empathy works in less-than-pleasant interactions as well. It can be frustrating to talk to someone who is being aggressive or mean-spirited. While it can be easy to let loose on someone like that, you can have an easier time keeping calm by using empathy. Try to see the situation from the unpleasant person's point-of-view. In some cases, you may have a new lease on the situation by taking yourself out of your own perspective for a bit.
- When you think someone is being rude to you, take a step back before blowing up and ask, "Hey, what's going on?" or "Hey, what happened here?"^{[4]
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  Expert Source
  
  William Gardner, PsyD
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 25 July 2019.}
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Ignore gossip.^{[5]
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Research source} Gossip is a quick route to rudeness. No one likes being talked about. Even if the subject in question isn't around to hear it, many people take offence to hearing people they know talked about in a negative light. If you want to avoid rudeness on your part, you should steer clear of interactions like this. Even if other people are gossiping, you should turn the other cheek. Those who are there to see you refuse the prospect will think more highly of you as a result.
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Stay modest.^{[6]
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Research source} Modesty is a virtue for virtually all polite people. Some people are rude for the fact that they focus too much on themselves. This is most often an innocent fault, but it's one that can easily be avoided if you try to look at the conversation from both perspectives.
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Let the other person speak.^{[7]
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Research source} Even if everything you're saying is gold, you'll still come across as rude if you don't think to hear the other person's side of things. As a general rule, people like to voice their opinions. They'll feel constricted if they can't get a word in. Listening is a skill, as real as any other. If you don't want to be rude, you'll need to have a fine command of listening.
- Active listening refers to a broad range of reactions that let the other person know you are giving him your fullest attention. This can include body language, such as nodding your head, or soft responses like repeating the gist of what the other person said can get this point across.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Considering the Other Person

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Learn up on etiquette. The established rules on etiquette, or expected politeness, will vary based on whichever people you are spending time with. When all else fails, reading up on proper etiquette is a good idea. Although the idea of "proper etiquette" is associated with the outdated Victorian period, a lot of the customs still hold up in the current period. If you're any bit unsure, its better to adhere to a custom than to ignore it. Politeness is no less important today than it was back then, and there are new rules that should be observed in modern times.^{[8]
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Research source}
- Generally speaking, keep your phone out of sight when you're talking to someone.
- Give the other person ample time to finish what they have to say.
- Invest yourself in whatever the other person is saying. Even if you're not so interested in what they're saying, you won't do yourself any favours by acting unimpressed.
- Always remember to say please and thank you. These tricks have never lost any favour over the years.
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Consider the other person's sensitivities. Not coming across as being rude is made all the more challenging if you're talking to someone who is naturally sensitive. Emotional sensitivity should be seen as a good thing in most instances, but it can be tricky if you're talking to someone who might get hurt by the slightest grievance.^{[9]
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Research source} If you think this is the case with someone, it's a good thing to know what their personal preferences are before going into an extended conversation with them. For instance, if you think someone isn't likely to enjoy crude humour, it's best to hold off on it until they're out of your company.
- Asking about someone beforehand can give you the edge you need in a conversation if politeness is an issue. Ask about their preferences or emotional triggers. Failing that it's always helpful to see the way someone interacts in a social situation before you interact with the person yourself.
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Gauge how the other person is feeling. Even if it doesn't involve a direct action on your part, a lot of rudeness can be evaded completely through empathy and knowing how the other person is feeling while you're talking. Because people can be tricky on this front, your best option is to try and gauge how they're feeling through non-verbal communication. Make a habit of paying attention to someone's facial expression while they talk. Sometimes, what they're saying won't match up to the mood their expression is hinting at.
- Unfortunately, asking "How are you feeling" won't result in a sincere report from most people. People aren't trained to report their feelings accurately. Others may feel embarrassed or unwilling to show their true feelings.^{[10]
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  Research source}
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Take culture into account. A lot of what someone considers to be rude has to do with the culture they were raised in.^{[11]
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Research source} If you're going to be travelling or regularly deal with people who were raised in other cultures, it's a good idea to verse yourself on what is and isn't appropriate in their eyes. Although people are usually accustomed to getting past these cultural differences, the simple act of looking into these customs beforehand will be seen as very gracious on your part.
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Act to fit your surroundings. As with most social interactions, the way you act needs to be informed by the circumstances of your situation. In other words, the way you demonstrate respect and politeness will differ depending on whether you're at a wedding, funeral, or a casual night out. Politeness means being self-aware and tactful. If you're acting cheery at a funeral wake, it will evoke the same negative reactions as if you were being glum at a birthday party.
- This should also include your dress and appearance. People will judge you a lot based on the way you make yourself appear.
- If you're ever unsure about which particular way you should be acting in a social setting, it's a good idea to try copying what other people are generally doing.
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Keep your politeness consistent.^{[12]
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Research source} If you really want to leave an impression as a polite and tactful individual, you can't rely on politeness for the short-term. Politeness can't be an act. Rather, it needs to be a constant state of mind. Keep your behaviour consistent. If someone sees two different sides of you, you'll appear all the more phoney to them.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Using Appropriate Body Language

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Mimic the other person's facial expression.^{[13]
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Research source} In some cases, you may not be sure how to act or react towards another person. By reflecting the other person's facial expression, you will demonstrate that the two of you are on the same page. In the majority of cases, this will go over in a positive light.
- It's not recommended to mimic the other person if you suspect he is using sarcasm.
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Stay up to date with hygiene. Even the most kind-hearted person can come off as rude if they don't tend to basics first. This includes taking a shower at least a few times a week and making sure your clothes are freshly laundered. If you carry a sour body odour with you wherever you go, you're not likely to make any friends and people are bound to be repulsed. Something this simple can mean a world of difference as far as politeness is concerned.
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Keep your blinking under control. Some people tend to blink rapidly when they're under stress.^{[14]
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Research source} If noticed, this can give the other person the impression that you're uncomfortable or feel rushed. Because this is an involuntary action, it can be hard to train yourself out of it, or even know if you do it. The next time you're in a somewhat stressful situation, try to be conscious of your blinking.
- This and other facets of negative body language can be eased by allowing yourself to relax.
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Be extra aware of body language when you're under stress. Body language is most often done without thinking. If we are stressed, it is often seen in the way we position our bodies. Even if we're otherwise making an issue to be as polite as possible, this rudeness can manage to get through. The best way to keep it under control is to make an emphasized point of paying attention to your own body language. Crossed arms and an aggressive stance can come across naturally, but if you fix your focus on the way your body's reacting, you'll be able to keep these signs of stress from showing.

Community Q&A

Question

How can I stop being rude all the time?

Community Answer

Remember how you feel when someone is rude to you or put you down in front of other people. Remember how you felt then.... How hurt you were.... How angry you were.... How badly you wanted to get back at that person.... How much you hated him. Then, decide not to be that person.
Question

How can I be nicer if I have ADHD?

Community Answer

Think before you speak. It can be hard, but force yourself to pause for 3-5 seconds before answering someone. That will give you time to think through what you intend to say and determine whether or not it's going to hurt someone's feelings or be perceived as rude.
Question

What if I don't realize when I am being rude?

Community Answer

Ask people you are talking to if you're. If they say yes, tell them that you are sorry and that you didn't mean to do it. You can also explain that you are working on correcting your rude behavior.

Warnings

No matter what you do, there's never certainty you'll be able to charm everyone all the time. Take the good with the bad, and know when to count your losses when the going gets tough.

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