How to Rekindle Your Sex Life

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: December 8, 2022 References

In long-term relationships, the spark that was once felt in the beginning can fade over time. You and your partner may have settled into a more intimate and comfortable life together, and that is great! Great sex, however, is also important to the intimacy and closeness you feel in your relationship. If you feel that your professional life, family responsibilities, or stress have caused you to lose the spark in your sex life, don't worry, you can turn it around with a little effort! Start rekindling your sex life by communicating more, being spontaneous, and trying new things.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Communicating More Effectively

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Talk to your partner. Communication is essential for a healthy sex life. When you want to get that spark back in your life, the easiest first step is to talk to your partner more often. It may help in the beginning to have an open and honest conversation together about your sex life.^{[1]
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Research source} Try and determine what might have led to the spark fading. Once you understand some of the causes you can begin to find solutions for them. Consider factors like the following.^{[2]
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- A preoccupation with other responsibilities or life events.
- Emotional rifts in your relationship.
- Health crises
- A natural decline due to age.
2
Set aside time to talk. It can be easy to get into bad habits or routines such as watching TV during dinner, or looking through your phone before you go to sleep. Change up your routine and instead use this time to talk about your relationship or your sex life. Schedule or set aside time to talk. Focus on connecting with each other and being present in the moment. Also while you're talking make sure you talk about each other's sexual preferences so you know how to spice up the bedroom experience. This is vital if you want your sex to get better.
- Make evening meals a chance to discuss what you want for your future. Try turning off the TV and lighting some candles instead.
- Choose one night a week to designate as date night with your partner.^{[3]
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- Write love letters to each other and read them before bed.
3
Increase intimacy. Intimacy means more than just having sex. You can increase intimacy through conversation, sharing experiences, and developing trust.^{[4]
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Research source} Increasing your intimacy helps show your partner that you love them and want to rekindle your spark. It will also help you be present in your relationship and your sex life as well. Take the time to focus on each other in ways you maybe have not been able to in a while. Try the following.^{[5]
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- Face each other and make eye contact when you are talking or while silent.
- Be silly and share laughter together.
- Ask each other deeper questions about hopes, dreams, and memories. For example, "What is your most treasured memory?" or "What are your dreams for your life?"
4
Talk about sex. As your relationship progresses what you find attractive may change. You and your partner may be operating under the turn-ons and turn-offs from earlier in your relationship. You also may not have discussed them in a long time. Take the time now to have a romantic conversation about what lights the spark and what puts it out. Talking about it beforehand will also set the stage for being more open, talkative, and maybe even directive during sex. If you want to try something new, talk to your partner about it now.^{[6]
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- Talk about the best sex you've had together. Recall what you liked about it. Tell your partner.
- Talk about any fantasies you have or something you've always wanted to try.
- Talk about turn-ons and turn-offs. Try starting the conversation with, "We haven't talked about this in a while, and I'm curious. What turns you on? Is there anything that's a big turn off?"
- If you are nervous, try taking turns listing your turn-ons and turn-offs with your partner.
- If you are struggling to determine what turns you on now, try and reconnect with some turn-ons from earlier in your relationship and see if they still work.^{[7]
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- If you or your partner are still not sure, have a night where you both focus on just one partner and find out what your turn-ons are.^{[8]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Being Spontaneous

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Touch more often. Rekindling the spark in your sex life involves adding a bit of excitement back into your relationship. With the stress, responsibilities, and comfort in your relationship, maybe you and your partner don't touch as much throughout the day. Don't wait until you are behind closed doors or until you have the desire to have sex to touch one another.^{[9]
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Research source} Touching more often can increase intimacy and shows your partner that you desire them.
- Hug each other for longer than usual.
- Hold hands.
- Give your partner a neck massage.
- Playfully brush against them or whisper in their ear.
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Try sexting. Being spontaneous will often involve adding new things suddenly to add excitement. Try sexting, which involves sending a sexy picture of yourself or a suggestive comment to your partner via cell phone. Keep your partner excited about what is to come and discover new sides of each other. Sexting can be new, exciting, and can open sexual communication between you and your partner.^{[10]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
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Take a trip. It is common to wait for special occasions or for family vacations to take trips with your partner. That's not a bad thing, but it also does not give you and your partner the feeling of excitement or of running away together. Plan a small trip for a few days for the two of you, just because. This will allow both of you to relax, unwind, and get more time to be with each other.
- Go to a nearby romantic cabin for a weekend.
- Take a short road trip without hotel reservations.
- Plan a quick getaway to the closest beach or island.
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Have spontaneous sex.^{[11]
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Research source} To add a little fire to your sex life, try stealing your partner away from what they are doing for spontaneous sex wherever you can. Depending on where you are this might include having sex in the kitchen, in the car, or if you get a chance to, in an elevator. You can also try having sex at a time that you normally would not, such as the afternoon.^{[12]
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Research source} The spontaneity will help spice things up and the risk of being “caught” will add to the excitement. This can also increase the urge to have sex in both you and your partner.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Trying New Things

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Dress differently. One quick and easy way to stir things up is to change the way you dress. This can include items you wear during the day to work or out to social activities, as well as what you wear in the bedroom or to sleep at night. Wear clothes that energize you and that you feel attractive in.^{[13]
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Research source} Also choose clothes that you know your partner likes.
- Buy new lingerie that makes you feel attractive and pampered.
- Surprise your partner by being skimpily dressed or naked when they return from work or get out the shower.
- If you are used to wearing more baggy clothes, try something a little more form-fitting so your partner can enjoy getting to see your shape.
2
Create a romantic atmosphere. In the beginning of your relationship, you may have tried setting the stage for romance. Get back to that excited feeling you had while dating and create a romantic atmosphere for you and your partner. Putting in the effort will show your partner you are committed to increasing the intimacy and reconnecting. Try the following to add a little more romance into your time together.
- Have soft, warm, and low light by dimming lamps or using candles.
- Play slow, romantic, or sexy music to set the mood.
- Stimulate the sense with scented candles, perfume, or room scents.
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Do activities together. Changing up your routine and doing things together allows you to step out of your comfort zone, adds excitement, and increases intimacy in your relationship.^{[14]
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Research source} Try something altogether new, or take a normal task that you would typically do alone and complete it together.
- Shower together and apply soap or shampoo for each other. If you are feeling bold, have sex in the shower together.
- Exercise together. Exercise is beneficial not only to your health, but will also increase blood flow and flexibility in both you and your partner.^{[15]
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- Get competitive with an activity like tennis, rock climbing, or even with games at an arcade.^{[16]
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Try phone sex. If you or your partner travel frequently or are often spending time apart, trying some of the other suggestions may be difficult. Instead try and explore any connections you have available, such as phone sex. Phone sex can be challenging, but it can also increase your communication and connection with your partner. It can additionally provide you with the opportunity to talk about fantasies or things you might be nervous about trying in person.^{[17]
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Research source} Try the following.
- Start by talking to your partner over the phone about routine activities, while he/she is at work or away from home. Do this in small bits through the course of the day.
- Occasionally, add in some hints about how you are dressed at the moment or what thought just crossed your mind about your partner.
- Have longer conversations about fantasies that you have with your partner.
- Read erotica out loud together.
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Add food. Another suggestion to being spontaneous and trying something new can be to add food into your sex life. It sounds messy, but using food can be very arousing for you and your partner. Consider foods that are aphrodisiacs, or foods that cause an arousing physiological response, such as dark chocolate.^{[18]
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Research source} Think of new and interesting ways to incorporate food into your time with your partner.
- Bring their favorite dessert and feed it to them.
- Try strawberries, cream, and champagne for a pampered luxurious vibe.
- Purchase and use edible body paint.
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Role play. Try to make sex a different experience every time you have it by trying role play. Role play is simply, the act of taking on a role, pretending to be other people, or pretending to be somewhere you are not. Role play gives you the opportunity to bring excitement into your relationship, try things you haven't before, and a freedom to get a little wild if you want.^{[19]
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- Pretend to be a masseuse and client. Act like you do not know each other and are meeting for the first time for your client's massage appointment.
- Try being a magician's assistant. It might involve blindfolds, handcuffs, or scarves.
- Discover power play. Start with little playful fights while in bed, ending in you overpowering your partner or vice versa. If you are comfortable, try giving one partner total control.
- Agree on sessions where, during an agreed upon amount of time, you or your partner gets to be "spoiled," or ask for whatever they want, within both of your comfort zones.^{[20]
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Warnings

Whatever you decide to do, make sure that both you and your partner discuss it beforehand and are comfortable with giving it a try.

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