How to Reply to Someone Who Hates You

Co-authored by Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD

Last Updated: January 10, 2023 References Approved

No matter how hard you try to please everybody there will always be somebody who is jealous of your success or popularity. They express negativity towards you in an attempt to deny your accomplishments and friendships. They watch for any little mistake you make, point them out, and never say anything positive to you or about you. A physical confrontation, inappropriate messages on social media, or less than chivalrous emails might be a part of their strategy to make you look bad. It is impossible to satisfy everybody. Therefore, it is important to know how to deal with “haters.”

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Navigating the Situation

1
Walk away. Walking away from a confrontation with someone who hates you does not mean that you are admitting defeat or accepting the reality that a perfect solution cannot be reached. Instead, it demonstrates that you have complete control over the situation by not engaging in their negativity.^{[1]
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- Haters never offer constructive criticism or positive feedback, only criticism. If you already know this then there is absolutely no reason to have a dialogue with them.
- Listening to a hater will only ruin your day. All of the negativity will do is hurt your feelings, make you angry, or incite you to participate in the pessimism.
2
Stay calm. A hater will get under your skin whenever they can. It is important to stay calm when this happens so that a physical confrontation does not occur. Stay level-headed and understand that a hater does not deserve a response from you, especially in retaliation.^{[2]
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- By staying calm and not responding to their attacks you demonstrate that their opinions and destructive comments are not valued by you. Over time, this should reveal to them that attacking your character is a waste of time.
- Remaining calm will conserve your energy for more positive pursuits. Do not waste your time or energy on a situation that does not deserve your attention.
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3
Do not offer an apology. Since a hater will seek out negativity and place undue criticism on you don’t submit to their turpitude. They will want you to explain your mistakes in front of others to reveal your imperfect self. In response, never justify, explain, or apologize to them until they approach you in a respectful and sensible manner.^{[3]
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- Value your self-worth and don’t degrade yourself to their level unless they treat you with the respect you deserve as a person.
- In this case, it is probably unwise to reply with a smart comment or to try and play it off as nothing important because it gives them an opportunity to turn the tables again on you for not addressing their accusation to begin with. Let them embarrass themselves without help.
4
Limit your interaction with them. This might be difficult to do if you work with this person or have to deal with them on a daily basis, but you can take steps to limit your exposure to them. By limiting face time, it will reduce how many times a day you have to take evasive action or submit yourself to their hate.^{[4]
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- Simple changes to your daily schedule will throw the timing off just enough to help you avoid the hater. Try taking your breaks at work at different times; come home later in the day or leave earlier in the morning if the hater is your neighbor or roommate; or stay in different rooms of the house during holidays if the hater is an extended family member.
- In each of these cases, if you come into contact with the hater then either politely excuse yourself and exit the area or try to keep things neutral and unemotional if you must interact with them. Avoid bringing up topics that provide an opportunity for the hater to become negative towards you.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Analyzing the Situation

1
Evaluate past interactions. Think about your past interactions with the hater. There might be absolutely nothing you can do but you might discover their hate is rooted in a single conversation, action, or event that could easily be rectified. This does not mean that you have to make an effort to resolve the problem; rather, it will allow you to identify the source of hate and provide you with the knowledge of how better to live your life around the hater if you choose.^{[5]
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- People are often quick to judge and perhaps there was a bad first impression left by you. If so, try to re-approach them and let the hater get to know you a little better. Their attitude might change.
- The same can be said about shyness. Some people mistake shyness for rudeness. Make an effort to at least say hello or good morning. This will at least prove you are not ignoring them.
- You might illustrate your success in a way that another person might perceive as boastful. Or, they might be jealous of your achievement because they lack the traits necessary to attain the same success. In this case, you might want to tone down your triumphs for the sake of peace.
- Joking or horsing around could also lead to issues with haters. Some people don’t like to see others enjoying life when they are miserable or they might not be part of the “in” crowd and resent it. Either try to include everybody in the fun or simply cut it out when the hater is present.
2
Understand that this is not your problem. The issue the hater has with you is their problem and not yours. The quicker you realize this the quicker you can come to peace with the situation. Indeed, most haters have no real basis for their animosity.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 13 July 2021.}
- The most direct way of dealing with the problem is to ask them what their problem with you is if they have not already made it clear. If it is their own personal problem, tell them to seek help and leave you out of it.
- It is important to remember that hurt people hurt people. Have you ever met a happy, well-adjusted person who hurt you or somebody else? Of course not because they don’t waste their time being negative and hurtful.
- Don’t take on a hater’s vicious criticism. Since they spend so much time trying to destroy your image they spend less time being creative and constructive. Avoid their problems so that you can move forward with your life.
3
Change your perspective. As a person, no matter if you ignore the hater or not, you will still probably wonder why they are giving you such a hard time. In order to come to some type of conclusion, think about the situation from a different perspective. Look at it from a third person’s point of view and find the source of the problem. Seeing the situation from a new angle will help you rationalize their hate on a deeper level.^{[7]
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- No matter how much you try to avoid it, there could have actually been something you did to make a hater dislike you. As hard as that can be to accept, try to put yourself in their shoes and consider what issues they might be dealing with.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Coping Emotionally

1
Detach yourself emotionally. Until you detach yourself from the harassment of a hater, your life will be consumed by willfulness, fear, or discomfort, none of which makes for a happy existence. You never want to give up on somebody in life, but sometimes you have to prioritize your relationships and what fits your lifestyle. A relationship with a hater is usually toxic, draining, and unhealthy. In an already busy world, these are surely three things that you do without.^{[8]
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- Life is fragile and it is important to surround yourself with healthy and supportive people who care about you. Make sure to seek out friends and family when dealing with a hater to support you through the experience.
- When dealing with a hater, make sure you spend time every day building up your emotional stamina by performing relaxation exercises, focusing on your goals, and being social. This will help ease your mind and reduce your anger and anxiety toward the hater.
2
Remain positive. Remain positive by doing the things you love and engaging with the people you care about. This will distract you from the situation and help you find your inner peace. You might even want to be nice or friendly to the hater. It is generally harder to hate somebody who is consistently friendly and makes an effort to include everybody. In other words, give them fewer reasons to hate you.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 13 July 2021.}
- Keep your energy focused in a positive direction and ignore the negative dialogue that the hater is trying to fill your mind with. Try image training. Think of a happy time, your favorite picture, or a movie role you cast yourself in, and think about these things when you are being harassed by the hater.
- Take what the hater says with a grain of salt. Whatever a hater says, no matter how close to the truth as they twist it, never take it to heart. Just let it bounce off your skin and forgive and forget.
- Keep a list of your positive traits and accomplishments. If a hater becomes too harsh or overbearing, get the list out and think about all of the positive contributions you made to society to wash out the negative commentary.
3
Strengthen your self-confidence. The more you build your self-confidence the more able you are to overcome the obstacles in front of you. Self-confidence gives you the power to look at all situations in a positive way even with haters. The stronger your self-confidence is the less likely a hater can hurt you emotionally. Don’t allow the hater to make you a victim.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 13 July 2021.}
- When you meet with friends and family try to engage with positive enthusiasm. Instead of languishing with the problems and haters in your life, keep your focus on solutions and achieving goals.
- Make sure you are exhibiting positive body language and exuding confidence. Somebody who is always smiling and making friendly eye contact is harder to hate.
- Always be prepared to deal with a hater. The more prepared you are the better you will handle yourself and the situation.