How to Respond to a "We Need to Talk" Text

Co-authored by John Keegan and Eric McClure

Last Updated: July 6, 2022

It’s reasonable if your stomach drops when you see the “we need to talk” text, especially if you're an insecure person or are simply insecure in the relationship. The ambiguity can be scary, but we’ll help you navigate this in the best way possible. It might not actually be something serious, so try not to get ahead of yourself (even though it's hard). In this article, we’ll walk you through how you can respond to this text and handle the conversation once it happens.

1

Take a deep breath.

This is a scary text to get, but try to relax — it’s probably okay. It’s not an automatic given that a “we need to talk” text is going to be bad news. But even if it is bad news, it’s probably not as bad as you think. As gut-wrenching as this text might be, don’t overreact or fire off an “I hate you” style response. Take a long, deep breath, and relax. This may not be a code red situation.^{[1]
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- People occasionally send “we need to talk” texts without thinking about the implication. It’s possible they just want to discuss dinner plans, or ask you if you want to go on a trip next weekend.
- If they do have bad news, it might not even have anything to do with you. They may have just gotten news from their family and now they have to miss a weekend date to travel home.
- If it is about you, it’s possible (if not likely) that they don’t want to break up, or even fight. They may just want to talk about something that upset them recently, or an issue you two have been working on.

2

Assume they have good intentions.

Until they give you a hint this is actually bad, keep your head up. It is possible that the person texting you just didn't realize that sending something as vague as “We need to talk” could upset or worry you. Until you have any indication otherwise, give them the benefit of the doubt.^{[2]
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Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
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- If you overreact to the text and it ends up being about something minor or not very serious, it could end up making the situation worse than it needed to be.

3

Keep your cool.

Keeping a level-head will keep you from overreacting. It’s easy to panic or even get upset with someone for sending you a "we need to talk text," but try your best to stay calm. Regardless of what they want to discuss, things will work out better if you stay calm and just hear them out.
- If you need to, step away from your phone for a bit to calm down. Getting a "we need to talk" text out of nowhere can be really nerve wracking! It's okay to take a break if you need to.
- Share how you feel with the person. Sometimes, simply saying that this situation makes you anxious can help.

4

Respond to their text.

Calmly ask for more information to find out what's going on. If it isn’t a big deal, they’ll tip their hand and give you some insight on what they want to discuss. If it is something big, they might at least tell you what the subject of the conversation is so that you can prepare emotionally. You might say:
- “Sure, what do you want to talk about?”
- “We can totally talk! Can you give me a hint about what, though?”
- “Yes. What’s the topic you’d like to discuss?”
- “Yeah, we can talk. Is this something I should be worried about?”

5

Agree on a time for the conversation.

Once you know what the talk is about, pick a time and place. The “We need to talk” text rarely means “We need to talk right now.” Now that you know what the talk is about, you can prepare for it (if you need to prepare at all). Agree on a time to talk. If you want to meet in person or do it over the phone, mention it.^{[3]
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- You might say, “Alright, yeah, we can talk. Do you want to meet up tomorrow? If not, I can give you a call tonight.”
- If it's something minor, it might make sense to have “the talk” right now if you’re both open to it.

6

Hear them out.

Once it’s time for the chat, listen actively and absorb what they’re saying. The fact that they sent you the “we need to talk” text means that this is important to them, so don’t interrupt and try to actively track what they’re saying. You may be uncomfortable, but this conversation won’t go on forever. It’s going to be okay, so just listen.
- This is especially important if they’re telling something you don’t want to hear. Try to not lash out or speak over them, even if you aren’t a fan of what they’re saying.
- They’re coming to you in this way because they have something important they want to share. If you don’t handle this calmly, they may not open up at all next time.