How to Tell Your Ex Is Hurting After the Breakup

Co-authored by Kristina Mirgorodskaya and Jessica Gibson

Last Updated: July 31, 2022 References

Everyone deals with a breakup differently and you may be wondering if your ex is hurting—how would he show it? Whether you're concerned about his behavior, you want to get back together, or you just want to know that he's hurting as much as you are, we're here to help. We’ll go through the top 11 signs that your ex is heartbroken after your breakup and offer pointers for handling some of his behaviors.

1

He's in denial.

This is a sign that he’s not able to accept that you’re over. Do you get the feeling that you're actually still dating? For instance, he might continue to text or call you, he hasn't blocked you on social media, and he certainly hasn't signed up for any dating apps! If he thinks you two still have a chance, it's probably because he's not ready for the relationship to be over.^{[1]
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- Your ex might even make vague comments about how it feels like you two are still a couple—this is his way of saying, "I don't want it to be over. I miss you."

2

He disappears and is completely unavailable.

Your ex might cut off communication if he can't handle talking with you. There are several reasons why he avoids interacting—if you broke up with him, he doesn't like the reminder that the relationship is over. If he was the one that ended things, he'll stop communicating because he's trying to stay strong about the breakup. Either way, he's unhappy, and shutting down is his way of handling the pain.^{[2]
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- If he's missing you, he'll block you on social media and erase all traces of you as a couple, so he doesn't have to see reminders of you two at happier times.

3

He tries to communicate or interact even more.

He'll reach out because he's hoping to win you back. You glance at your phone only to see that your ex has messaged you again. It also feels like he keeps bumping into you out of the blue. This isn't an accident—he's hoping for a second chance because he's missing you!^{[3]
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- If he broke up with you, you might be surprised that he's suddenly communicating a lot more. He may have changed his mind and he's regretting the breakup.

4

He jumps into a rebound relationship.

A new relationship shows that he's hurting and won't process his emotions. There's a pretty good explanation for why he's turned around and started dating again—he's still in pain, but he's not acknowledging it. He's hoping that by starting a new relationship, he can hide his unhappiness and be pleasantly distracted.^{[4]
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- He may flaunt the new relationship in an attempt to make you jealous—this shows that he cares what you think.

5

He trash talks you.

If he can't handle his pain, he'll try to make you feel bad, too. You'll start hearing from mutual friends that he's badmouthing you. This might shock you, especially if he's saying hurtful things about your personality or relationship. It's all his way of letting out his pain.^{[5]
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- By trash-talking you he's trying to come to terms with his feelings. If he can bring up all the "bad" things about you, he'll eventually be able to get over losing you.
- Calmly approach your ex and explain that it hurts to hear what he's been saying. Ask him to stop saying harmful things behind your back. If he continues, just explain to friends and family that he's taking the breakup hard and he's trying to hurt your feelings.

6

He makes big life changes.

Your ex tries to distract himself from the intense pain he's feeling. He thinks that really switching things up in his life can distract him, so may move away, change jobs, or start a new hobby for instance.^{[6]
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- Unfortunately, some guys lean toward harmful behaviors to numb the pain—he might start doing drugs, party all the time, or drink excessively. Remind yourself that you're not responsible for his bad habits, but if you're concerned, send him a short message urging him to get help.

7

He flirts openly in front of you.

This is a sign that he wants your attention and that he still cares what you think. If he had moved on, he wouldn't be so obvious. He's being super flirty with other people or letting you know that he's been going out to great parties all in an attempt to make you jealous.^{[7]
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- If you're still connected on social media, he'll post racy pics of him with someone else because he's trying to provoke you.

8

He seems lost or depressed.

Your ex might share sad posts on social media. If you're around him, you may notice that he doesn't seem interested or excited about things anymore. You'll hear from mutual friends that he talks about how unhappy he is or that he's pitying himself.^{[9]
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- If you still see him occasionally, you might notice that he's picked up bad habits that you broke him of—this can mean that he's given up trying to improve things.
- It's really important that you don't blame yourself for your ex's depression or low feelings. Remember, he's responsible for his own emotions and creating a support network that's there for him.

9

He acts angry all the time.

Watch out for threats or verbal abuse, which show he's very upset. Unfortunately, some guys struggle with the pain of a breakup and they'll try to take it out on you. Your ex might damage your property, share private photos or information, or stalk you. All of these terrible actions are meant to harm you or your prospects—all signs that he's very hurt and acting out.^{[10]
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- It is never okay for your ex to harm you in any way. Reach out to friends, family, or the authorities, so you can be safe from vengeful outbursts. To get help quickly, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or go to https://www.thehotline.org/.

10

He apologizes for his behavior.

This is a pretty clear sign that he cares about you. He might say sorry for something he did when you were together or for something hurtful that he said. Apologizing is a pretty complex move—he might do it because he genuinely wishes he could undo the hurt he caused you or he might say sorry because he wants another chance with you.^{[12]
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- It's completely fine to accept his apology. However, he shouldn't guilt you into getting back together. Remind yourself that he'll heal in time and apologizing is just an early step in that process.

11

He tells you he’s hurting.

Your ex shares how he's feeling because he wants to talk. Popular society puts a lot of pressure on men to hide their emotions, but obviously, he has feelings that he needs to share. If he comes out and tells you that he's miserable or missing you after the breakup, it's up to you to decide what happens next.
- If you think he's trying to get back together and you don't want to, be sensitive but keep your distance. You don't want to give him false hope that your relationship can be fixed. For instance, don't agree to meet in person and talk for hours. Send short, clear messages about how you feel, so he can accept that the relationship is ending.