How to Know When a Marriage Is Truly Over

Expert advice on deciding whether or not your marriage is unsalvageable

Written by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC | Edited by Hannah Madden

Last Updated: February 18, 2023 References

Relationships are meant to lift you up and add to your life—but if your marriage is rocky, it can feel like it’s dragging you down instead. Making the decision to file for a divorce is never an easy one, and it’s one that you probably aren’t taking lightly. That’s why it’s important to decide if you’ve done all you can to save your marriage, or if it’s time to move on to the next chapter of your life. We’ve compiled a list of 16 different signs that could mean your relationship can’t be saved so you can make the right decision for you and your spouse.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional counselor, Tara Vossenkemper, founder of Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

Your marriage may be over if most of your interactions with each other are negative.
If your emotional or physical needs aren’t met, then the relationship may be too far gone.
If you feel like you’re just going through the motions or living like roommates with your spouse, then it may be time to end things.

1

Most of your interactions are negative.

Negative interactions indicate that there are issues underneath the surface. If you feel like you and your partner constantly nag, nitpick, and fight with each other, it’s likely that you have some unaddressed feelings of resentment toward each other. A few negative interactions here and there are normal in any relationship, but if they’re becoming all that happens, your marriage is probably on the rocks.^{[1]
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- According to experts, happy couples have a positive to negative interaction ratio of about 20:1. Couples who are heading toward divorce have a positive to negative interaction ratio of about 0.8:1.

2

You’re not interested in being physical anymore.

A lack of physical affection indicates deep-seated issues in the marriage. Physical affection doesn’t just mean sex, although it certainly includes it—it could also mean a lack of holding hands, hugs, or cuddling, too. If you and your spouse are no longer interested in having sex or being intimate with each other, it could mean that the marriage cannot be saved.^{[2]
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- Similarly, if you aren’t attracted to your partner anymore, that’s a red flag. Physical attraction isn’t everything, but for most people, it’s a large part of a successful romantic relationship.

3

Your emotional needs aren’t being met.

If you feel ignored constantly, your relationship may be breaking down. In healthy relationships, partners support, comfort, and nurture each other no matter what. Think about your relationship in the past few months (or years): have you felt uplifted and like you could lean on your partner? Or do you feel like your needs are being ignored?^{[3]
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- Keep in mind that your partner may not know that you feel this way. If you haven’t talked to your partner about your emotional needs yet, have a conversation with them.

4

You’re just going through the motions.

When you lose the excitement of the relationship, it could go downhill. This is not to say that your partner has to give you butterflies every day, since that’s unrealistic. But experts agree that when a couple has no excitement when talking about the past or looking forward to the future, there’s little that can be done to save the marriage.
- If someone asked you right now, “So, how did you two meet?” would you be excited to tell them? Or would you recite the story without much emotion?

5

You search for ways to avoid each other.

Partners avoid each other when they don’t want to deal with their relationship. You definitely don’t have to spend all day every day with your spouse, but quality time together is important for any relationship. If you find yourself staying at work late or making weekend plans to actively avoid seeing your partner, that’s a red flag.^{[4]
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- Maybe you don’t want to deal with the inevitable fighting that happens, or maybe you two just don’t have a good time together anymore.
- If you would like to work on the marriage, consider spending more time together one-on-one. Plan fun dates and break the routine so you two can get out of the house together.

6

You feel more like a roommate than a spouse.

Living like roommates typically means the spark is gone. You and your spouse might talk about household related topics, like chores or groceries. But when it comes to romance or passion, there really isn’t any. Sparks in a relationship tend to ebb and flow over time, but if you don’t see a way to get that spark back, it might mean the marriage is coming to an end.^{[5]
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- Rest assured that there are ways to get the spark back in your relationship, especially if this is the only issue that you’re facing. Take a weekend away, just the two of you, and forget about all your other responsibilities for a few days.

7

Your goals are not aligned.

If you two have different life goals, one of you is likely to be unhappy. Marriage requires compromise, and you two should be on the same page when it comes to the future. If you can’t see yourself living with your spouse long-term, then it may be time to go your separate ways.^{[6]
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- This can be over something relatively small, like which city you want to live in, or something large, like whether or not you want to have children.
- The first step here is to talk to your spouse and see if you two can reach a compromise that works for both of you. If you haven’t tried that yet, start there.

8

You don’t prioritize each other.

When friends and work come before a relationship, it’s a red flag. There are very few things that you should put in front of your partner, and you should always be thinking about your spouse’s needs in your daily life. If you find yourself blowing off plans with your spouse to hang out with friends or ignoring their calls to stay longer at work, you might have checked out of the relationship.^{[7]
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- Keep in mind that your children, if you have any, should be your priority as well.

9

You’ve lost respect for your spouse.

A lack of respect is one of the top predecessors of divorce. If you look at your spouse and find yourself thinking that you just can't respect them anymore (for whatever reason), it may be hard to get that respect back. If you’re willing to work through your problems with a couple’s counselor, you may be able to; otherwise, it’s a sign that the marriage isn’t working anymore.^{[8]
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- It’s the same on the flip side: if you feel like your partner doesn’t respect you anymore, it can be tough to save the relationship.

10

You fantasize about life without your spouse.

Thinking about a future without them shows you want things to end. When you think about moving forward, are you on your own? Or is your spouse right there with you? If you catch yourself daydreaming about your single days or planning out your next move after a divorce, it’s probably time to end things.^{[9]
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- Doing this can also be a sign of high stress, especially if it’s the only issue you’re experiencing. Try doing some stress-relieving activities to lower your stress levels, then see how you feel.
- If, however, the thought of not being with your spouse in the future makes you anxious or gives you second thoughts, it could be a sign that you can work on your marriage.

11

You shut down during tough conversations.

A lack of fighting indicates that one or both of you has given up. While not fighting might sound like a good thing, it actually indicates that you two don’t want to have tough conversations or work through issues anymore. If you both avoid tough topics and find yourself skating by each other so you don’t make waves, that’s a red flag.
- The same goes if there’s an inability to compromise or work through problems together.
- Having disagreements is normal for any relationship. When you two do have arguments, make sure you’re fighting fair and staying respectful of one another, even when you’re angry.

12

You feel contempt for each other.

Contempt or disgust is a hard feeling to move past in a relationship. When you think of your partner do you find yourself wrinkling your nose at their behavior or their character? There are many things that might cause you to have contempt for your partner, but once it happens, it’s a hard feeling to move past.
- Contempt often comes with a lot of sarcasm or belittling of your spouse. If you find yourself poking fun at your partner or mocking them often, it’s a sign that the relationship isn’t healthy.
- The same goes for the flip side: if you think your partner is disgusted or feels contempt for you, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

13

Neither one of you wants to try anymore.

Marriage takes work, and giving up is a sure sign that things are over. If you and your spouse both feel exhausted at the thought of taking steps toward fixing your marriage, then that’s probably a sign it’s time to end things. The same goes if just one of you is ready to give up: since it takes 2 to make a marriage work, 1 person giving up really isn’t an option.^{[10]
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- This is typical in marriages that have had a lot of problems already. If you’ve already tried fixing your problems and nothing is working, it’s natural to feel discouraged and ready to give up.
- However, if both of you are ready and willing to buckle down and do the work to fix the marriage, then the relationship still has hope.

14

Your loved ones are urging you to end things.

When your friends and family say it’s time to leave, listen to them. Friends and family members don’t always have your best interests at heart, so be sure you’re listening to people that you trust. If your close loved ones tell you that they want to see you happy and get out of this marriage, they might be seeing something that you’re not.^{[11]
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- You can definitely take other people’s opinions into account, but remember that it’s you and your spouse who have the final say on whether you’re getting a divorce or not.

15

Someone is having an affair.

Infidelity is a big cause of failed relationships. While it is totally possible to heal a relationship after cheating, it takes a lot of work to rebuild that trust. If one of you is having an affair and don’t plan to cut it off, then the marriage needs to end.^{[12]
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- Remember, affairs can be both physical (like having sex and going out on dates) and emotional (like having deep talks or texting constantly).
- If you would like to save your marriage after infidelity, experts recommend seeing a couple’s counselor.

16

There is physical or emotional abuse.

Any type of abuse means that the relationship needs to end. If your spouse is hurting you physically, yelling at you or calling you names, manipulating you, or trying to control you, that’s an abusive relationship. Contact your loved ones and ask them to help you get out of the marriage as quickly as possible so you can stay safe.
- If you are being abused, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 for help.
- Along similar lines, if there is untreated addiction or substance abuse within the marriage, that’s a sign that it may be time to end things.