Back with Your Ex? 10 Tips for Taking It Slow and Getting a Fresh Start

Co-authored by John Keegan and Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: July 19, 2022 References

Congrats on getting back together with your ex! Rekindling a romance is fun and exciting, and you're likely picturing the happy future you'll have together. At the same time, you want your love to last forever. Taking it slow can really help you build a stable, healthy relationship that lasts long into the future. Fortunately, it’s really easy to slow things down. We’ve compiled a list of ways you can create a steady pace with your ex.

1

Treat the relationship like it’s new.

Start fresh instead of picking up where you left off. Leave your old relationship in the past because it wasn’t working. Don’t immediately jump into old routines or rush into being affectionate. Instead, act like you would if you just met him.^{[1]
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- For example, let’s say you and your ex spent all weekend together every week before you broke up. Don’t rush back to that. Start slow by spending a few hours together on the weekend.
- Similarly, let’s say your old relationship involved a lot of hooking up. That doesn’t mean you should start hooking up again right away. Take your time.

2

Set some healthy relationship boundaries.

Talk to your ex to figure out what makes you both comfortable. Tell him what you expect out of this relationship, then listen to what he wants. Decide what boundaries you both want to set to help slow down your relationship.^{[2]
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Research source} Here are some boundaries you could discuss:
- Physical intimacy: What type of intimacy are you both okay with at this point? Is holding hands okay? What about kissing?
- Mutual independence: Make sure you both have time to do your own thing.
- Communication: Regular communication is important for a healthy relationship.^{[3]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  Go to source} What does that look like for you? For instance, you might decide to text daily.

3

Space out your dates.

Spend time apart between each of your dates. Schedule your dates in advance so you can make other plans, as well. Use the time between dates to hang out with friends and family, work on your personal goals, or enjoy one of your interests.^{[4]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.} This helps you avoid getting caught up in your relationship.^{[5]
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- For example, you might decide to hang out at your home on Tuesday and to play mini golf on Friday night. This gives you time to see friends on Saturday, to enjoy a meal with your family on Sunday, and to do things you want to do during the week.

4

Pursue your personal goals and interests.

Don’t lose yourself in your new relationship. Allocate time to do the things that are important to you.^{[6]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.} Similarly, encourage your ex to do the same thing. Not only will this slow your relationship down, it’ll also help build a healthier relationship.^{[7]
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- For instance, you might take a painting class, hold a weekly girls night, or learn to play an instrument.
- If you’re in school, make time to study and participate in extracurriculars.
- If you work, create time to further your career or learn new skills.

5

Set a timeline for being intimate so you aren’t rushing.

Avoid the temptation to go back to your old level of intimacy right away. Decide ahead of time how long you’ll wait to show affection. Then, stick to your schedule. This will help you avoid pushing your relationship too far, too fast.^{[8]
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- For example, you might decide you’re okay with holding hands and hugging at first.
- After your first few dates, you might start kissing and making out again.
- If you’re sexually active, you might decide to wait for sex until after a certain date marker, like the 3rd or 5th date.

6

Get to know each other again.

Have long conversations to reconnect with each other. Start by talking about what you’ve both been doing since the break-up. Then, talk about what you both want out of the relationship. Ask each other questions about what kind of life you want for your future.^{[9]
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Research source} You might ask:
- “Has anything exciting happened in your life since we broke up?”
- “Where do you want to be in your life in 5 years?”
- “What are 3 things you’ve added to your bucket list?”
- “What 3 things would you bring to a deserted island?”
- “What hobbies are you into now?”

7

Talk about what you need out of the relationship.

Be open and honest about your expectations.^{[10]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.} Tell him what you need, then ask him what he wants from the relationship. Listen to his expectations so you can decide if they work for you. This helps you avoid getting caught up in a fantasy.^{[11]
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Research source} Here are some things you might discuss:
- “What did you miss about our relationship?”
- “What do you hope to change in our new relationship?”
- “What does our future look like to you?”
- “How can I be a better partner to you?”
- “How would you describe your ideal relationship?”

8

Work through the problems that broke up your relationship.

Figure out what went wrong last time so you can avoid it. Ask your ex what they think broke you up. Then, share what you think went wrong. Decide how you can both avoid falling into those same pitfalls in the future.^{[12]
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Research source} Addressing old problems will help you avoid picking up where you left off.
- You might say, “What do you think were our biggest issues last time?” or “Why do you think we kept fighting before?”
- You could tell him something like, “I felt like you didn’t listen to me, so I want us to talk more in the future.”

9

Focus on the present, not the future.

Take each day one-at-a-time. Enjoy getting to know each other again, going on dates, and finding love again. Give your relationship the time to grow instead of trying to hop forward to the next relationship phase.^{[13]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.} Savoring your relationship will help you slow things down.^{[14]
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- When you’re on a date, engage your senses to ground you in the moment. Really look at your boyfriend and take in your surroundings. Listen to what he’s saying. Feel the warmth of being near him. Enjoy his smell and the taste of his lips.

10

Do new things together to rekindle your romance.

Create a relationship bucket list, and start checking things off. Make a list of things you can try together. Eat at new restaurants, see a new band together, or go to local events you haven’t visited before. This will bring you closer together and help you build your new relationship.^{[15]
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- Find events in your area on social media or ask friends for recommendations.
- Look for new restaurants, coffee shops, and businesses to visit together.