How to Take a Relationship Slow

Co-authored by Erika Kaplan

Last Updated: June 17, 2021 References

Today, young people can feel pressure to get intimate with their partner before they are ready. If you'd prefer to take your relationship slow, don't worry — you have every reason to. Set reasonable boundaries and communicate your wishes to your partner clearly to control the pace of your relationship. Only take things to the "next level" when you're ready.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Keeping a Slow and Steady Pace

1
Look for a partner who has the same priorities as you. Your choice of partner is the most important factor in practically any relationship. However, when you're set on taking a relationship slowly, it's even more important than normal. You want someone who can respect your choice to limit your intimacy.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Erika Kaplan
Relationship Advisor
Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.} This should be a person who isn't only focused on the physical aspects of a relationship. You want someone who's more interested in your thoughts than your body.^{[2]
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- You can find people who meet these criteria anywhere. However, you may have the most success if you try places where people like this are likely to gather. For example, since many religions teach that sex before marriage should be avoided, you may find good potential partners in religious youth groups and so on.
2
Don't define your relationship in terms of "how far" you've gone. The things you've done with your partner, especially when it comes to physical affection and sex, aren't measures of how "good" your relationship is. At this stage, the most important thing is how you and your partner feel. If you both enjoy each others' company, you're affectionate, and you have open, caring attitudes towards each other, you're doing fine.^{[3]
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- Keep in mind that not everyone will agree with this. Some people have different priorities for their relationships. It's OK to disagree with these people. If you're happy with your relationship, so you don't need to let them pressure you into things you're not comfortable with. On the other hand, they're not automatically shallow just because they want different things than you, so try to stay respectful.
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3
Set physical boundaries early on. Be clear and explicit about what you are (and aren't) comfortable with. This is important. It can be a big turn-off if your physical limits come as a surprise to your partner in the "heat of the moment," so take the opportunity to be up-front before you start getting affectionate.^{[4]
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- Don't be afraid to tell your partner "no" if s/he starts to get too "touchy-feely" for you. If your partner won't listen to repeated warnings, it's time to have a serious discussion about respecting your boundaries.
4
Keep the end goal in mind. It's a good idea to have an idea of where you want your relationship to be eventually, even if you're not there yet. You can gradually work towards this goal, making week-by-week progress as you take small steps toward it. If you don't have an end in mind for your relationship, it can be harder to justify your slow pace to a partner.
- If you are a teen or pre-teen, having an end goal of "spending lots of time being affectionate with each other" is fine. There's no need to worry about "the L word" or marriage for a long time.
- If you're older, it's wise to know whether you plan to end up married, cohabiting, having children, and so on. This makes it easier to find a partner who's right for you (and get rid of ones who aren't). Plus, most adults who are willing to wait a long time to become physically intimate are interested in marriage or life-long relationships.
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Enjoy affectionate outings at your own pace. Just because you're taking things slow doesn't mean you can't have fun. Take time to go out, explore the world, and treat each other to small luxuries. In other words, date! There's no "right" way to do this. Whatever you and your partner enjoy doing together is fair game. The good news is that there are many, many things to do that don't involve physical intimacy. Enjoy traditional dates like dinner and a movie or get creative with dates like rock climbing.^{[5]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Making a "Slow" Relationship Work

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Always talk before taking things to the next level. Communication is vital to any relationship, but it's even more important when you're taking it slow.^{[6]
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Research source} You and your partner need to be able to clearly and respectfully discuss the boundaries of the relationship. In other words, you need to be able to have calm discussions about what you're comfortable doing and what you're not comfortable doing. When there are disagreements about this crucial topic, you and your partner need to be able to listen to each others' concerns.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Erika Kaplan
Relationship Advisor
Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.}
- When it's possible to compromise on a disagreement, try to do so.^{[8]
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  Research source} However, when it's not possible to compromise without taking the relationship to a level you're uncomfortable with, don't be afraid to stand your ground.
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Don't be too possessive.^{[9]
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Research source} Taking a relationship slow may seem "old-fashioned" to some, but this isn't an excuse to have old-fashioned ideas about controlling your partner's behavior. Since you trust your partner to respect your pace for the relationship, trust your partner when s/he isn't with you. Don't try to restrict your partner's time with friends, family, or other people who are important to him or her. Give your partner enough space to have some alone time when s/he wants it.^{[10]
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Research source} Remember that respect is a two-way street.
3
Don't obsess over the tempo of your relationship. Being in a relationship should make you feel good (most of the time). If you find yourself frequently stressing out about whether or not you should take things to the next level, relax. These changes should happen naturally after you've decided that you're ready and you have discussed them with your partner. They aren't "checkboxes" to mark off as quickly as possible on the way to a "real" relationship.
- You also shouldn't let your partner do this. If you suspect that s/he is unhappy with how slowly the relationship is progressing, have a serious conversation about it. It's best to address these problems head-on rather than pretending that they do not exist.
4
Always flirt. Just because you're taking things slow doesn't mean your relationship has to be boring. Keep things exciting by learning how to flirt and putting your knowledge into practice. With a little effort, your relationship can be a source of great passion, even if you're waiting to get intimate.^{[11]
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Research source} See our article on flirting for lots of specific ideas.

Expert Q&A

Question

When should you open up to a new partner?

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”

Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Not having your heart completely open, and being able to walk away from a relationship, is actually a healthy thing until the right time—when your partner has proven to you through a track record of trust and respect. Then, you can fully open up.