How to Talk to Your Husband About Miscarriage

Co-authored by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA

Last Updated: April 17, 2022 References

The shock and pain of miscarriage can be devastating. Often, the emotional pain takes longer to heal than the physical pain. When talking about miscarriage, remember that it's okay to grieve and to express your emotions in a way that helps you. It's also okay for your husband to respond in a way that makes sense to him, even if it doesn't make sense to you. Above all, reach out for the support you need, whether it be from your husband, friends or support network, or a therapist.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Sharing the News

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Keep it simple. If you're struggling to find the words, start with something simple.^{[1]
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Research source} It's a difficult topic to bring up, so consider simply saying, “I have just miscarried.” Beyond that, you may not be ready to talk about what it's like for you, or you may be in shock and not know what to say. That's okay. But do share the news with your husband and let him know what is going on.
- As the conversation progresses, you may choose to share or express more.
2
Ask him about his feelings.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.} Men deal with miscarriage differently from women, but they are often deeply affected by it. They may become depressed, but their feelings may be masked by anger.^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source} Talk with your husband about the miscarriage and find out more about his thoughts and feelings.
- For example, you might ask your husband some questions to find out how he is feeling: How is he coping with the miscarriage? What thoughts and feelings does he experience? How does he need to express himself? Ask him what kind of support he appreciates and what will be most helpful to him in getting through this time.^{[4]
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  Research source}
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Keep in mind that a wide range of feelings are normal.^{[5]
X
Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source} Experiencing an emotional and physical loss can be difficult and painful. While one partner may express feelings through tears, depressed mood, and sadness, another may take on a “be strong” role and become very action-oriented.^{[6]
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Research source}
- Let each other cope and grieve in ways that feel good for each of you, and don't accuse each other based on how you grieve. Questions like, “Why aren't you crying or upset?” or, “Why can't you get over this?” don't help. Instead, accept the way each other grieves.
- Even if you express grief differently, know that you both experience grief in ways that work for you.
- Keep in mind that the after-effects of a miscarriage can include depression and anxiety, and these feelings may last for a long time. Seek help from a therapist if you are struggling to cope with these feelings.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Recovering From the Loss

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Ask your husband for support. Unfortunately, there's nothing your husband can 'do,' so this is when support is necessary. Let your husband know what you need and what would be helpful. It's okay to ask for support and it can help your husband feel like he is helping you. Let him know that you are grieving and that it will take time.
- Ask for hugs and affection when you need them. If you need to talk, say, “I need to express how I feel. I'm not looking for advice and I'd appreciate you listening.”
- Be willing to give your husband support as well. This may be a difficult time for him, too.
2
Keep an open dialog. While you may find it easiest to discuss the miscarriage when it first occurs, keep yourselves open to discussing the miscarriage. It's okay to talk about how you feel, the loss you've experienced, and how your body is doing. Don't close off about the experience, but keep an open and safe space to discuss the experience and how it's continued to affect you.^{[7]
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- When you need to talk, talk. Don't shy away from bringing it up if it will help you.
3
Discuss ways to honor the experience. You may feel pangs of sadness around anniversaries of the day you lost the pregnancy or around the projected due date. Discuss with your husband ways to honor those days and the emotions you feel.^{[8]
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Research source} You may want to do an activity together or plan a low-key day to allow you to process your emotions.
- You may want to take the day off of work, spend time outside, create a memory board, or journal.
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Take sex slow. One partner may be ready to return to a sexual relationship while another may not be. Be willing to take things at a pace together. Pregnancy and sex can be closely intertwined, which is why sex can be difficult to resume. For one partner, sex may be difficult while for another sex may feel healing. Be willing to be patient together and enter into sex when you both feel ready.^{[9]
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- Sex and intimacy are separate. While you may not be ready to return to sexual activity, share physical closeness. Cuddle, hold hands, and hug each other. Be close and share affection.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Seeking Support

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Lean on family and friends. Sometimes a spouse isn't the most supportive person to lean on during a difficult time. Don't hold this against your husband. Instead, seek emotional support from people who are loving and reassuring. You may want to reach out to close family and friends whom you know can help you with your grief.^{[10]
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Research source} You may even want or need some temporary space from your husband as you grieve on your own.
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If you need external support, don't be afraid to ask for it. Say, “I'm going through a really hard time and I'd really like some support.” Depending on your needs, you can say, “I need to talk and would appreciate your listening ear” or, “This is a hard time for my family and we need some help with meals.”
- If you're not ready to talk about the miscarriage, say, “I'm going through a difficult time and could use a hug.”
3
Join a support group. Many women find it helpful to join a group of others who have lost a pregnancy. It can be helpful to meet with others who have similar experiences as you and with people who have gone through the process already.^{[11]
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Research source} Support groups can help you feel less alone and isolated and can help connect you with people who have 'been there.'
- Look for a support group near you by checking online.
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Talk with a therapist.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.} Miscarriage can affect you and your spouse personally as well as your relationship. If you're having problems picking up the pieces after a miscarriage, consider getting therapy. It can be difficult to move through difficult situations while still connecting well and functioning together.^{[13]
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Research source} If you feel like you need some help, reach out for counseling.
- Find a counselor who specializes in loss and grieving.
- Ask your insurance provider, general practitioner, or local mental health clinic for a referral to a therapist. You can also ask friends and family for a recommendation.