How to Tell Someone You Self Harm

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: July 20, 2022 Approved

Telling someone you self-harm can be a very scary prospect, but it is a brave move forward that you can be proud of. You may not initially get the reaction you hope for but talking about self-harm is a significant step toward healing. Sharing your emotions and problems could go a little more smoothly if you can put some thought into it first.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Choosing the Right Person

1
Reflect on who has been there for you during the tough times in the past. Consider telling someone who has been helpful and supportive of you before.
- A friend who may have been there for you before might not be there for you now. Sometimes, a friend will be so shocked that they will not respond the supportive way you hope they will.
- Know that just because they have been there for you in the past, however, your friend may not initially respond the way you hope because they may be in shock.
2
Choose someone you trust. This is the most important factor. You have to feel really comfortable with this person and know that you can really talk to them and trust them to be there for you.
- Be warned though, that just because a friend has kept your secrets in the past doesn’t mean they will keep this one. People are often scared to hear a friend is self-harming and they might feel compelled to tell someone about it because they want to help you.
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3
Think about what your goal is in telling that person. If you just need to get it off your chest, you might want to choose a trusted friend. If you think you want medical help, you may choose to tell your doctor first. Thinking about what you hope to get out of this initial conversation can help you decide who to tell.
- If you are a teen, you might want to consider first telling an older person that you trust before you tell your friends. Try a parent, school counsellor, or teacher. This way, you will have support already in place before you tell your friends.
- If you are in therapy for something already, tell that therapist first. They can then work with you to sort out how to best tell your friends and family. If you are not in therapy, now is the time to seek help because it is best to work through this process with someone professional who has experience dealing with self-harm.
- You may be struggling with issues of faith so you might want to tell your priest or minister.
- Before you tell your doctor, think about the services they may offer you, so you can be prepared to decide if you want to: accept referrals to group therapy or individual counselling, have visits from a nurse at home, or talk about medications if you are depressed or anxious.
- If your performance at school is being affected, you may choose to tell a school guidance counsellor or teacher.
- If you are under age of consent and you tell a professional or school official, you might want to know ahead of time that person’s obligation to report your self-harm. You can simply first ask them what the rule is about their sharing any information that you tell them.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Choosing the Right Time, Place, and Method

1
Practice in the mirror. Telling someone you self-harm can be very scary and difficult. Rehearsing some of the conversation can help you better get your message across when you tell your friend and give you confidence and empowerment.
- Practicing at home can also help you map out in your head what you are going to say and you can practice responses to potential reactions. Think about how your friend might react and come up with ways to respond.
2
Tell them privately in person. Face to face conversations are always harder but also permits you to get it out in real time. Plus, serious emotional issues deserve the face to face attention you need. Hugs and tears shared in person can be therapeutic.
- Telling someone face to face can be very empowering.
- The initial reaction may not be what you hoped for, so be prepared for anger, sadness, and shock.
3
Pick a place you are comfortable. Telling someone in person is a serious event and you deserve to be in a space of comfort and privacy when you disclose.
4
Write a letter or email. Though this method means the person you are telling will be faced with shocking news without the immediate chance to respond, sometimes that delay is what you and they need. You can choose exactly what you want to say and how you want to say it without interruption. This will also give the recipient time to process the information.^{[1]
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- Be sure to follow up the letter or email with a phone call or face to face conversation since the person you wrote may be very worried about you. Waiting to hear from you again can be very anxiety inducing for your friend. End the letter with a plan to call them in 2 days or to email you when they are ready to talk.
5
Phone someone. Telling a friend or other trusted person on the phone still lets you have the real time discussion with a buffer of not having to face their initial reaction in person.
- You will not have the benefit of non-verbal communication this way, so be cautious to avoid misinterpretations.
- If you are telling someone who lives very far away, they may feel powerless to help you. Try to suggest ways they can support you even at a distance.
- Calling a helpline is a solid way for you to begin telling people and can give you the strength, courage, and confidence to tell someone you know.
6
Show your scars to someone you trust. If you cannot find the right words to start the conversation, just showing someone what you have been doing to cope can pave the way to talking about it.
- Try to get them to focus on the meaning behind the behaviour right away, rather than focusing on the scars themselves.
7
Write, draw, or paint about it. Getting your feelings out in a creative way can not only help you express yourself and then feel some relief but is another means of conveying how you feel to others.^{[2]
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8
Never tell someone in anger. Saying “you made me cut myself” could take the focus away from your needs and make them defensive. An argument could start and derail a very important conversation.^{[3]
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- Even if your emotions stem from interpersonal issues you are having with them, it is always your choice to cut or self-harm, so blaming someone in anger will not help either of you.
9
Be ready for questions. The person you tell might have endless questions for you. Be sure you choose a time to tell them when you have plenty of time to talk.^{[4]
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- If they ask you a question you are not ready to answer, just say so. Don’t feel pressured into answering all of their questions.
- Questions you can expect may include: Why do you do it; do you want to kill yourself; how does it help you; is it something I did, and why don’t you just stop?
10
Do it without alcohol. It may be tempting to build up false courage and lower inhibitions by drinking before you tell someone but alcohol can heighten emotional responses and instability in an already difficult situation.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Telling Someone

1
Talk about why you self-harm. The cutting is not the issue but rather the emotions underneath that the cutting helps you deal with. Getting to the cause of the behaviour can help you and your confidant move forward.
- Be as open as you can about how you feel and why you cut. Gaining their understanding will go a long way in ensuring you have the support you need.
2
Do not share graphic details or photos. You want them to understand but not be scared or tune out because it is difficult for them to hear.
- You may need to go into more detail about your self-harm practices if you are telling your doctor or therapist. These professionals will need these insights to better help you cope.
3
Say why you told them. Some people admit self-harm because they feel lonely and isolated and do not want to go through it alone anymore. Some people fear their self-harm is getting worse and want help. Telling your friend why you are talking about it now will help them understand how you are feeling.
- You might have a holiday coming up or want to be intimate with someone but are afraid of your scars showing for the first time.
- Maybe someone else found out and is threatening to tell your parents so you want to tell them first.
- Maybe you didn’t tell them before because you were afraid of being labelled or of having your one way of coping taken away from you.
4
Show that you accept yourself. It will make your friend’s acceptance easier if they see that you have some self-awareness around your self-harm choices, why you do it, and why you are telling them about it.
- Don’t be apologetic. You aren’t telling them to upset them and you aren’t self-harming to upset them.
5
Be prepared for shock, anger, and sadness. When you come out to someone about self-harm, their first instinctive reaction might be anger, shock, fear, embarrassment, guilt, or sadness. Remember this is because they care about you.^{[5]
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- First reactions are not always an indication of how someone supportive will be. Your friend might react poorly but this isn’t a reflection on you but rather of their own coping skills and emotions.
- Expect that your confidant may need some time to digest this information.
6
Expect a demand that you stop. Your friend may demand that you stop self-harming, as a way of trying to protect and care for you. They likely feel that they are doing the right thing by asking this of you.
- They may threaten to not be friends or partners with you, or say they won’t talk to you, until you stop. Your friend could cut off your friendship entirely or they could even resort to bullying.
- Tell them that their demands aren’t helpful and put more pressure on you. Ask them to instead show their support by sticking with you as you go through this journey.
- Explain to your friend or family member that this isn’t an overnight journey but that healing and coping takes time and you need their support during this process. Remind them that, just as they're learning this news about you, you’re still learning about yourself, too.
- If you are seeing a doctor or therapist, tell your friend. It may reassure them to know that you are being looked after.
7
Anticipate misconceptions. Your friend may automatically assume you are suicidal, a danger to others, just trying to get attention, or that you could really stop if you just wanted to.
- Your friend might also suggest you are cutting or self-harming as part of a fad.
- Be patient and understanding of your friend’s confusion and share resources with them to educate them about self-harm.
- Explain that self-harm is not the same as being suicidal but rather a coping mechanism you are using.
- Tell them that you are not attention seeking. In fact, most people choose to hide their self-harm for long periods of time before deciding to talk about it.
8
Stay in charge of the conversation. If your friend is shouting at you or threatening you, politely say that shouting and threatening doesn’t help, this is your issue, and you will deal with it how you best can. Leave the conversation if you need to.
9
Keep it about you. Depending on whom you choose to tell, they might have different reactions. Your parents might think it is their fault. Your friend might feel guilty that they haven't noticed.^{[6]
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- Know that it will be difficult for them to hear but gently remind them that you need to talk about your feelings right now.
- Let them know you are talking to them because you trust them, not because you blame them.
10
Give them resources. Have internet sites or books ready to share with the person you are telling. They might be afraid of what they do not understand so you can provide the tools to help them help you.^{[7]
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11
Tell them how they can help you. If you want other coping strategies, ask for them. If you want them to just sit with you when you feel like harming, say so. Tell them if you want accompaniment to doctor’s appointments.
12
Deal with your feelings afterwards. Be proud of the strength and courage you showed in talking about it. Allow yourself some time to reflect.
- You may feel relief and be happier now that you have shared your secret. This good feeling can be an impetus to talk more about your self-harm, perhaps with a counsellor or doctor. You won’t necessarily always feel good talking about it, but this is a strong step towards healing.
- You may be angry and disappointed if your friend didn’t react the way you’d hoped they would. If your friend reacts poorly, remember that this is a reflection of their own emotional issues and coping skills. If your friend responds badly and it affects you negatively, it could cause you to relapse and do further self-harm. Instead, remember that your friend just received shocking news and needs time to adjust. People often regret their first reactions to surprising news.
- Now is the time to seek professional help if you haven’t already. Sharing this news with someone close to you is a good first step but you have a lot of emotional issues to unpack and work through and this is best done with someone who has experience and training in the field.

Warnings

Although self-harm is not an indication of suicidal behaviour, if you are feeling suicidal or like you want to seriously harm yourself, contact emergency services or call 911 in North America. You can also call or text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988.

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Self-injuring behaviours may cause more harm than intended, resulting in complications or even death.

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