How to Tell Your Child You're Dating After Divorce

Co-authored by Jade Giffin, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: December 29, 2022

As you and your children adjust to your lives post-divorce, there’s one more adjustment you might have to tackle: the dating world. For a child, hearing that their parent is dating again can be scary, and it can make them worry about the future. In this article, we’ll list the ways in which you can tell your child that you’re dating again while reassuring them at the same time.

1

Adjust the conversation according to your child’s age.

Young children might need different talking points than older children. If your child is younger and doesn’t understand the concept of dating, you might talk about your new “friend” (usually, this works well for any children under 10). Older children might know a little bit about dating and relationships, so you can use more realistic terms, like partner, or boyfriend / girlfriend.^{[1]
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- For instance, for an 8-year-old, you might say something like, “Mommy’s new friend is coming over tonight.”
- For a 15-year-old, you might say, “I just want you to know that I’ve gotten back into the dating scene a little bit.”
- Even if your child is old enough to know what dating is, calling your new partner a friend can actually help soften the news a little bit. You know your children best, so use the terms that make the most sense to you.

2

Start the conversation with a question.

Try something like, “How would you feel if I started dating again?” This opens things up for your child to talk, and they can let you know how they feel right away. Be prepared for some intense emotions: your child might feel angry, sad, confused, or jealous. By opening up the conversation this way, you can get your child’s feelings out in the open right away.^{[2]
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3

Be clear that your new partner isn’t a replacement.

They will always have your ex-partner as their true parent. For some children, it’s hard not to see the person their parent is dating as a “new” parent. Remind them that you and your ex-partner will continue to co-parent as a team, and that the person you’re dating won’t ever replace them.
- For a younger child, you might say something like, “I know it might sound a little weird, but Daddy is still your Daddy, okay? My friend Richard can be your friend, but he doesn’t have to be your Dad.”
- Or, for an older kid, “You might see me and Jessica together, but you don’t need to call her ‘Mom.’ Your mom is still your mom, and Jessica won’t replace her.”

4

Ask them how they feel.

Open communication with your child is very important. When you’re done talking, give your child space to bring up anything that’s bothering them. You can also ask them how they feel—just be prepared for sadness, anger, and even jealousy.^{[3]
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- Try something like, “How do you feel about this?” or, “What’s going through your head?”

5

Address any concerns your child has.

Try to quell any anxieties that your child is feeling after you two chat. Kids have a lot of emotions, and if your child is old enough to express them, you might have to reassure them. Let them know that they’re still the priority in your life, and that they’ll always come before anyone you’re dating.^{[4]
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- For instance, younger kids might ask something like, “Is your new friend going to live with us?” You could say something like, “No! Not for a while, and maybe not ever. But even if that did happen, it would always be you and me first and foremost.”
- While it’s great to listen to your kids and understand where they’re coming from, you don’t have to let them dictate your love life. Hear out their concerns, but don’t stop dating just because they’re not comfortable with it.

6

Give your child some time to adjust.

Most kids won’t be very excited about their parent dating right away. It’s important to give your kid time, and don’t try to rush them about accepting any new partners you have. Keep talking with them and asking them how they feel, but don’t push them into anything they aren’t comfortable with.

7

Check in with your child often.

Keep the line of communication open in case they have more concerns. If your child is younger, try checking in with them once a week or so to see how they’re doing. This is very important if you’ve already introduced your partner to your child—if they have more questions or concerns, hear them out, and try to make them feel better.^{[5]
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- You can ask things like, “How do you feel after meeting Nancy?” or, “Any more thoughts about our chat the other day?”

8

Pick your partners carefully.

Make sure you trust your date fully around yourself and your kids. Dating with children is a little bit different than dating when it’s just you—you have to think about your children’s safety, too. As you meet with potential suitors, keep your kids in the back of your mind. If you don’t think you’d like your partner to meet your child, it might be time to move on.

9

Only introduce your child to partners you’re 100% sure about.

It’s hard for children to meet multiple partners in a small amount of time. If you’ve been dating someone for a while and it’s getting pretty serious, that’s the time that you should start thinking about introducing them to your child. That way, if your kid gets attached to them, there’s a much higher chance that they’re going to be around long-term.
- Plus, if your child is young, meeting new partners in quick succession can be very confusing.

10

List your partner’s positive qualities.

This can help get your partner and your child off on the right foot. If you have a serious partner that you’re considering introducing to your child, try listing all the things you like about them. If your child sees how happy you are and hears how much you like this person, they might be open to meeting them.
- For a younger kid, you might say, “Fred is very nice, and he knows a lot about magic tricks! Plus, he loves animals, just like you do.”
- Or, for an older child, “Heather is the sweetest person I know. She’s really funny, and I think you two would get along well.”

11

Introduce your partner to your child in small doses.

Take everyone out for a meal or go do an activity outside the house. You want to give your child and your partner time to get used to each other instead of rushing into things. Start out with short outings, like a dinner at a restaurant, and work your way up to longer ones, like a weekend away together.^{[6]
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- Giving your child enough time to adjust is the key element here. If you rush into things or pressure them into a relationship with your partner, they might get resentful of you.