How to Break up when Children Are Involved

Breaking up with your partner when you have children can be challenging and highly emotional. You may be dealing with your own emotions and also worry about making the separation or divorce easier for your children. You can make the break up less painful by telling your children about the break up in a gentle way, and by being there for them during the breakup. You should also try to support your children after the break up so you are able to still be a good parent, even if you are now on your own.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Telling Your Children About the Break Up

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    Make a breakup plan with your partner. You should also prepare for the conversation with your children by creating a plan moving forward with your partner beforehand. You both should sit down and discuss who will be living where, who will be responsible for certain daily needs and activities for the children, and when the official divorce process will begin. Being clear about these details will allow you to better reassure your children and show a united front.[1]
    • For example, you may come to an agreement where your partner moves out and lives in an apartment nearby or another home. You may also agree to allow your partner to visit the children at the family home or have the children over to their apartment.
    • Don't let things turn into a custody battle—that's the worst possible outcome for your children.[2]
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    Choose the right time and place to talk to your children. You should tell your children about the break up with your partner. Having the talk together, with all the members of the family, will ensure your children all hear the same message and show your children that you are both in agreement about the breakup. This will make the whole process less confusing and overwhelming for your children. [3] [4]
    • You may decide to tell your children in your family home, seated in a comfortable room in the house. Having the talk in a familiar setting can help your children to better process the breakup. It will also give your family the privacy needed for such an important conversation.
    • You may start the conversation by saying, "We have something we need to talk to you all about. This is important and will affect everyone. But you should know that no matter what, we are still a family."
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    Speak honestly and clearly. Focus on telling your children only the minimum amount of information and avoid going into the messy details of the breakup. You may say, “Your mother (or father) and I have been finding it difficult to get along. After a lot of thought, we have decided it would be best for us to separate.” Maintain eye contact with your children and speak calmly.
    • You should also consider the ages and level of understanding of each child. Younger children may need more simplistic information to understand what is going on. Older children may be aware of what you are saying and process the information faster.
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    Let your children know the break up is not their fault. It is important that your children know that divorce occurs between adults only and that the divorce or separation is not their fault. You and your partner should both reassure your children of this fact so they understand the divorce has nothing to do with their behavior or actions.
    • You should also let your children know that you love them both very much. You may say, “We want you to understand that the break up is not your fault and that we both love you, no matter what. We will continue to be your parents, regardless of the separation.”[5]
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    Allow your children to ask questions. Your children may react by asking questions about practical things, like where they are going to live now or if your partner is going to move out. Allow your children to ask these questions and answer them as best as you can. It is natural for your children to react with questions and you should answer honestly to help them process the news.
    • Questions your children might have include, “Who will live in the house?” “Will I have to move or change schools?” “Can I still see my friends?” and “Can I decide who I live with?” Try to answer your children’s questions with honesty and sensitivity. Be reassuring and clear with your answers so your children can get a better handle on the breakup.
    • You may say to your children, “For now, Mom will live in the house. You will all stay with her and Dad will visit on weekends or you will go visit him on weekends. We will share a lot of the day to day needs until the divorce is finalized.”
    • You may also comment on a specific event coming up that involves your children, like a birthday party or a tournament. You may say, “We have also decided that Dad will drop you off at Stephanie’s party on Sunday and Mom will pick you up” or “We will both still be at your tournament on Friday to support you.”
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:

Being There for Your Children During the Break Up

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    Be prepared for your children to have an emotional reaction. Your children may have a range of reactions to the breakup, from shock to anger, to confusion to guilt. Be prepared for your children to have a strong emotional reaction and try to be accommodating to their needs. You may be experiencing intense emotions as well, and being there for your children may help you cope with the breakup.[6]
    • If you have younger children, they may react to the break up by regressing to behavior they had previously outgrown, such as wetting the bed or sucking their thumb. Older children can react with a mix of anger, anxiety, and grief. They may also become depressed and withdrawn.
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    Be a good listener. You can help your children weather the difficulties of the break up by being a good listener and a good parent. Your children may need you to be there to listen to their concerns and anxieties about the breakup. Be willing to sit down with them and hear them out.[7] [8]
    • Avoid interrupting your children when they are speaking and display open body language when you are listening. This means maintaining eye contact, keeping your arms relaxed at your sides, and turning your body towards your children as they speak.
    • You can ask your children questions and reassure them when necessary. Avoid trying to have all the answers to their questions and concerns. If you are not sure how to answer, you can say, “I’m not sure how to answer your question but I do know that I will always be here for you and that I love you. The break up does not change my love for you.”
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    Communicate with the necessary people. You should reach out to other authority figures in your children’s lives and let them know about the separation. These authority figures can then keep an eye on your children when they are in school or not around you. You can get updates about how your children are doing and be notified if there are any concerns about your children’s behavior due to the breakup.[9]
    • You may tell these authority figures, “My partner and I recently separated. I’m worried about how it might affect the children. I know this will be a difficult time for them. Do you think you could let me know if there are any issues with the children in the coming weeks or months?”
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    Stick to consistent routines and habits. Establishing consistent routines and habits with your children will help them to cope with the breakup and find comfort in the familiar. Most children feel more secure and safe when they know what to expect, especially during a time of upheaval.[10] [11]
    • You and your partner should agree to a daily routine or schedule and then share this schedule with the children. This way, the children know what to expect day to day and can feel that you are both still reliable.
    • You should also maintain the same disciplining habits with your children, even if they are going to be in different households due to the separation. You and your partner should maintain the same rules, rewards, and expectations of your children to maintain a sense of stability and consistency. You and your partner should avoid bending or adjusting the established rules for your children, as this could confuse or anger your children.
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    Treat your former partner with respect. Avoid speaking badly about your former partner in front of your children, as this can create more tension and conflict. If you find it difficult to be around your former partner, you should focus on at least being civil and respectful for the sake of the children.[12] [13]
    • Avoid arguing or fighting with your former partner in front of the children, as this will only upset them more. You want to show your children that you and your former partner can still be supportive, functional parents, even if you do not get along with each other.
    • You should also avoid using your children as messengers or pawns between you and your former partner. This can lead to further emotional issues for your children and create greater tension between everyone in the family.
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    Get professional support for your children. If you feel your children are struggling with the breakup and you do not have the tools to best support them, you may consider bringing them to a therapist or a counselor. Some children need professional help and support to ensure they can cope well with the breakup and develop into healthy adults.
    • You may look for a therapist that specializes in children or a counselor who has experience with children dealing with a separation and divorce.
    • You may also need counseling or therapy for yourself as you deal with the breakup. Getting professional help can allow you to better support your children and be there for them during this difficult time.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Supporting Your Children After the Break Up

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    Allow your children to stay connected to old family and friends. Though you and your former partner have broken up, this does not mean your children will disengage right away from all the former family and friends in their lives. You should try to encourage your children to stay connected to your ex’s family and close friends, as this will give them a sense of stability and comfort.[14]
    • You should allow your children to spend time with old family members and old friends. You should also try to use the same babysitters or child-care that you did before the breakup.
    • Allowing your children to stay connected to the people in their lives before the separation will ensure they have a stable network around them. This can help your children to develop into healthy adults and weather the difficulties of the break up successfully.
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    Follow through on child support payments and other financial agreements. You and your partner will likely come to an agreement on child support during the divorce. Make sure you follow through on your end of the finances and that your partner does as well. This will lead to less conflict between you and ensure your children do not get wrapped up in disputes about money.[15]
    • If you and your partner are having issues with child support payments and/or other financial agreements, you should discuss them alone and in private. Do not bring your children into the discussion or use your children as pawns in the conflict. This will only foster more tension and high emotion.
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    Maintain a stable, healthy environment for your children. You and your former partner should do your best to be good parents to your children, even though you are no longer together. Try to maintain a home environment that is stable and healthy for your children. You should make sure you take care of your own needs and stay healthy so you can be there for your children and offer support.[16] [17] [18]
    • You should maintain a healthy diet and exercise on a consistent basis. You should also take some time to do self-care and ensure your needs are being met.
    • You should also be social and see close friends and family. They can offer you support when you need it and in turn, ensure you are able to support your children.
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    Discuss any future partners with your children first. You should take your children into consideration if and when you decide to date again. Take it slow and take your time, as you do not want to freak out your children by jumping into a new relationship quickly. If you begin to date seriously, you should talk to your children about where you are at. Let them know that you think you are ready to move on and keep them updated so they feel like they are included.[19]
    • You should also let your children know if and when you decide to live with someone new. These kinds of decisions can upset your children, especially if it is soon after the breakup. Discuss them and listen to their thoughts before you move forward.
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    Find a support system. You should also look for support systems for you and your children so you all have help you can turn to in times of need. A break up can be challenging for everyone involved and having support systems can help to relieve any stress or anxiety.
    • You should lean on professional support systems like counselors and therapists. Perhaps you decide to see a therapist one on one and offer therapy to your children as an option.
    • You can also lean on personal support systems like a close circle of friends or relatives. You may decide to have dinner on your own with friends once a week or set up a family dinner with relatives so your children can feel supported.
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Expert Q&A

  • Question
    What do I say to my child when divorcing?
    Steven Hesky, PhD
    Steven Hesky, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Steven Hesky is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 37 years of experience. He specializes in long-term psychotherapy with adults and adolescents. His training includes Freudian, Jungian, and Existential approaches to psychotherapy, hypnosis, family therapy, marriage counseling, and biofeedback. Dr. Hesky holds a BA in Philosophy from Lake Forest College and an MA and PhD in Existential Clinical Psychology from Duquesne University.
    Steven Hesky, PhD
    Steven Hesky, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Let your child know what the custody arrangement will be. Make sure that they know what to expect, and be upfront about any major changes, like where they'll be living and where they'll be going to school.
  • Question
    What age is divorce easier on kids?
    Steven Hesky, PhD
    Steven Hesky, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Steven Hesky is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 37 years of experience. He specializes in long-term psychotherapy with adults and adolescents. His training includes Freudian, Jungian, and Existential approaches to psychotherapy, hypnosis, family therapy, marriage counseling, and biofeedback. Dr. Hesky holds a BA in Philosophy from Lake Forest College and an MA and PhD in Existential Clinical Psychology from Duquesne University.
    Steven Hesky, PhD
    Steven Hesky, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Unfortunately, there's not really an "easy" age. Kids will go through different developmental phases as they grow up—during each phase, they have to adjust to the divorce in a new way. For instance, a pre-adolescent child will have to readjust and deal with the divorce again in their adolescence.
  • Question
    How do you comfort a child in a divorce?
    Steven Hesky, PhD
    Steven Hesky, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Steven Hesky is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 37 years of experience. He specializes in long-term psychotherapy with adults and adolescents. His training includes Freudian, Jungian, and Existential approaches to psychotherapy, hypnosis, family therapy, marriage counseling, and biofeedback. Dr. Hesky holds a BA in Philosophy from Lake Forest College and an MA and PhD in Existential Clinical Psychology from Duquesne University.
    Steven Hesky, PhD
    Steven Hesky, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Remind your kids that you will always love them. Focus on making the transition as smooth as possible for them and cooperating continuously with the other parent.
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References

  1. ↑ Steven Hesky, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 2 September 2021.
  2. ↑ Steven Hesky, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 2 September 2021.
  3. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/childrens-health/in-depth/divorce/art-20047788?pg=1
  4. ↑ Steven Hesky, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 2 September 2021.
  5. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/children-and-divorce.htm
  6. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/childrens-health/in-depth/divorce/art-20047788?pg=1
  7. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/children-and-divorce.htm
  8. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/childrens-health/in-depth/divorce/art-20047788?pg=1
  9. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/childrens-health/in-depth/divorce/art-20047788?pg=1
  1. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/children-and-divorce.htm
  2. ↑ Steven Hesky, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 2 September 2021.
  3. ↑ http://www.mediate.com/articles/kellyJ1.cfm
  4. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/childrens-health/in-depth/divorce/art-20047788?pg=1
  5. ↑ http://www.mediate.com/articles/kellyJ1.cfm
  6. ↑ http://www.mediate.com/articles/kellyJ1.cfm
  7. ↑ http://www.mediate.com/articles/kellyJ1.cfm
  8. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/children-and-divorce.htm
  9. ↑ Steven Hesky, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 2 September 2021.
  10. ↑ http://www.mediate.com/articles/kellyJ1.cfm

About This Article

Steven Hesky, PhD
Co-authored by:
Steven Hesky, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
This article was co-authored by Steven Hesky, PhD. Dr. Steven Hesky is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 37 years of experience. He specializes in long-term psychotherapy with adults and adolescents. His training includes Freudian, Jungian, and Existential approaches to psychotherapy, hypnosis, family therapy, marriage counseling, and biofeedback. Dr. Hesky holds a BA in Philosophy from Lake Forest College and an MA and PhD in Existential Clinical Psychology from Duquesne University. This article has been viewed 147,439 times.
2 votes - 50%
Co-authors: 14
Updated: January 31, 2023
Views: 147,439
Categories: Children and Divorce
Article SummaryX

Breaking up when children are involved can be difficult, but you can minimize their stress throughout the process by prioritizing their needs and making the transition as smooth as possible. If possible, wait until everyone’s calm and in one place to break the news to your children. Be honest with them and make sure they know the break up’s not their fault. They’ll probably have a lot of concerns, so give them an opportunity to ask questions about the future. When you start living apart, try to maintain your children’s routines and habits so it doesn’t seem like everything’s changing at once. You should also avoid arguing in front of the children or talking negatively about your ex, since this will confuse and upset them. For more tips from our co-author, including how to negotiate a break up plan with your partner, read on.

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