How to Tell Your Mate They Need to Lose Weight

Co-authored by Alyssa Chang

Last Updated: July 15, 2021 References

If you have someone in your life with a weight problem, telling your friend that you think he or she needs to lose weight may be the most difficult conversation you ever have together. By taking a tactful approach to discussing the need to lose weight, you can preserve your relationship while still encouraging him or her to drop the extra pounds.

Method 1

Method 1 of 5:

Casually Make Passive Weight Loss Suggestions

Instead of directly confronting your mate with the idea of weight loss, casually broach the subject to determine whether he or she has considered it independently. If your friend has begun to consider losing weight already, your job may consist only of motivating him or her to initiate the process rather than convincing your friend of the need to shed a few pounds.

1
Assess your mate’s readiness for weight loss.^{[1]
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Research source} If your friend is in denial about his or her weight problems, or if your mate is simply not interested in changing diet or exercise habits, more overt efforts on your part are unlikely to influence him or her to make a commitment to lose weight.
2
Suggest that your friend try a new diet or exercise program with you. Do research on healthy, balanced diet^{[2]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} or exercise programs^{[3]
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Research source} and ask if your friend will join you in trying to follow the new plan. Frame the discussion as if your mate will be the one helping you stick to a commitment to be healthier, instead of the other way around.^{[4]
X
Expert Source

Alyssa Chang
Wellness Coach & Personal Trainer
Expert Interview. 16 October 2019.}

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3
Ask whether your mate has considered losing weight. If you feel comfortable gently and directly addressing the matter, privately ask if he or she has thought about trying to lose weight.
- If your friend is already trying, offer your support and encouragement.
- If your mate is offended at the idea or sees no reason to lose weight, consider discussing your concerns about his or her health or drop the matter for a month or two to give the idea time to take hold in his or her head. Chances are, your mate is privately aware of his or her need to lose weight and is simply embarrassed to discuss the matter or to realize that someone else is concerned enough to mention it directly.

Method 2

Method 2 of 5:

Talk About the Problems that Would Go Away If Your Mate Lost Weight

It is no secret that weight loss can significantly affect physical, mental, and social health. By making a list of all of the things that would help improve your mate’s life once weight loss has been achieved, you may be able to encourage him or her to work hard to drop the weight. Visualizing a happier, healthier life after weight loss may be the motivation your mate needs to pursue a serious weight loss strategy.

1
Demonstrate that individuals at a healthy weight experience less discrimination. Growing attention is being placed on the societal bias against heavy people by physicians, corporations, insurance agencies, the media, clothing stores, employers, potential and by current romantic partners.^{[5]
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Trustworthy Source
Nature
Respected Multidisciplinary Scientific Journal
Go to source}^{[6]
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Research source}
- Achieving a healthy weight will make your mate more likely to receive less judgmental healthcare from a primary care provider, may reduce health insurance costs, may make him or her more appealing to hire or promotable, will make shopping for clothes more enjoyable, and will reduce your mate’s experience of social stigma attached to weight.
- Individuals at a healthier weight are more likely to have a satisfying love life. Those at a healthy weight are less likely to experience sexual dysfunction,^{[7]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Nature
  Respected Multidisciplinary Scientific Journal
  Go to source} and people of average weight are also more likely to rate their sexual health and satisfaction positively.^{[8]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Nature
  Respected Multidisciplinary Scientific Journal
  Go to source}
2
Show evidence that people at a healthier weight enjoy better mental health. Individuals at an average weight experience less depression, fewer eating disorders, and lower rates of other mental disorders.^{[9]
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Research source}
- Showing your mate that healthier weight may equate to a happier life^{[10]
  X
  Research source} – less likely to include negative self-image and other stresses and worries associated with extra weight – may be the stimulus he or she needs to work toward serious weight loss goals.
3
List serious physical consequences of being overweight or obese. Carrying a significant amount of excess weight contributes to multiple diseases.
- Even just a few extra pounds increases your mate’s risk of heart disease,^{[11]
  X
  Research source} certain types of cancer,^{[12]
  X
  Research source} diabetes,^{[13]
  X
  Research source} hypertension, sleep apnea,^{[14]
  X
  Research source} and high cholesterol, among other conditions.
- Excess weight may also inhibit recovery from certain illnesses and surgeries, prevent the provision of certain life-saving treatment or rescue services, and complicate the administration of effective medications and medical treatments.^{[15]
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  Research source}
- Women who are significantly overweight are also at increased risk of gestational diabetes, pregnancy complications and cesarean sections, birth defects in babies, and other maternal health complications.

Method 3

Method 3 of 5:

Directly Confront the Issue of Health

If you have discussed the topic of weight loss with your mate and your friend is amenable to the idea or just seems to need an extra push, try letting him or her know that you worry about the health problems added weight could cause. Sometimes, learning the dangers that excess weight can cause^{[16]
X
Trustworthy Source
National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases
Health information from the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases, a division of the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source} may be a strong motivation for people, especially if he or she has children or family. If your friend is already experiencing health complications due to weight, consider using the problem as an example of the type of difficulty with which you hate to see him or her struggle.

1
Be honest about your concerns. If your mate is obese or considerably overweight, he or she is at risk of many health problems, such as cardiovascular disease, joint pain, and certain types of cancer.
- Have a private conversation in which you focus solely on your worries for his or her health, mentioning your concern for his or her well-being. Let your friend know that you do not want to see him or her go through any of the common problems that extra weight can cause.
- Express tenderness and let your mate know you are genuinely concerned that his or her weight will prevent the two of you from being able to fully enjoy life together (such as the birth of a child or grandchild of yours or getting to enjoy retirement or even a 40th birthday together).
2
Focus discussions on health, not the number on the scale. Avoid focusing your comments on your friend’s weight, and instead emphasize the fact that you feel he or she is not healthy. Let your mate know that you care about him or her and would like to see him or her make a commitment to a healthy lifestyle.^{[17]
X
Expert Source

Alyssa Chang
Wellness Coach & Personal Trainer
Expert Interview. 16 October 2019.}
- Pointing out difficulties your mate has controlling blood pressure or completing simple physical tasks without getting out of breath will show that you are genuinely concerned about health issues and not just a full figure.
- Consider making the conversation solely about the health issue, like working to reduce cholesterol, learning to better manage diabetes, or preventing a repeat heart attack.
- Addressing particular health problems through dietary changes or increased exercise may have the effect of improving health measures and dropping pounds without focusing your intervention on excess weight alone.
3
Make a commitment to a healthier lifestyle with your mate. Providing a good example and being a friendly companion may help your friend decide to adopt healthy changes. Even if you do not need to lose weight, you may be able to benefit significantly from adopting a healthier lifestyle.^{[18]
X
Expert Source

Alyssa Chang
Wellness Coach & Personal Trainer
Expert Interview. 16 October 2019.}
- If you can personally commit to changing your diet (drinking less alcohol, eating less fast food, cooking more vegetables, etc), you can make a joint commitment to improving health with your mate.
- Encourage your friend to make a pact to improve health for both of you by joining a fitness club together, trying a new sport or physical game, taking a class on healthy cooking, or simply taking walks together every evening.

Method 4

Method 4 of 5:

Focus on the Things You Could Do Together

If your mate lost weight, how would your life together be better? What things would you be able to do together that you aren’t able to do now? Thinking about weight loss as an empowering process that contributes to your relationship and improves your quality of life together could help encourage your mate to consider what you have to say.

1
Explain that you could spend more quality family time together if your mate lost weight. Losing weight could help your mate enjoy activities with your family that were previously unavailable to you due to the restrictions placed on an overweight individual.
- Amusement parks and water parks are safer and more accessible when a visitor is of a healthy weight.
- Playing Frisbee, taking 5K walks or runs as a family team, using the swing set, and chasing after young children are examples of family activities that are easier to perform when an individual is of average weight.
- Family-oriented events that require stamina or considerable time standing, such as cheering at a child’s daylong sporting event or volunteering at a school fair, will be easier and more pleasant for your mate to participate in once he or she has lost weight.
2
Talk about how traveling would become easier. Carrying excess weight can make travel more expensive and less comfortable. By losing weight, your mate can join family and friends in trips with less inconvenience and expense.
- Planes often have narrow passenger seats that make air travel uncomfortable for an overweight individual and the passengers traveling next to them. In some cases, significantly overweight passengers are required to purchase tickets for two seats so that they do not infringe on the space of neighboring passengers. Although this can quickly escalate travel costs and be an embarrassment to overweight individuals, this problem can be eliminated with even moderate weight loss in many cases.
- Travel often requires significant amounts of time walking, standing in line, carrying luggage, climbing steps, and touring on foot. Listing a few travel dreams of your mate and demonstrating how visiting these places would be easier without the strain of excess weight (and thus with increased mobility, stamina, and energy) may help goad him or her into attempting weight loss.
3
Make a “bucket list” of life-long dreams. Having a concrete list of things you and your mate wish to do together but cannot experience due to the discomfort or inconvenience of his or her excess weight may encourage your mate to drop the extra pounds.
- Think of all the places you would like to travel, the outdoor activities you would like to accomplish, the type of jobs your mate would like to achieve, and even the activities you would like to do together once he or she has a slimmer physique, and present the list of goals as more easily achievable with less excess weight.
- Climbing Mount Everest, walking a famous pilgrimage trail, being a model, looking great in a wedding gown or tux, and many other activities may fit well on the “bucket list” for your mate once he or she sheds some weight.
4
Invite your mate to join a team or activity with you. Making a commitment to an activity that you can do together will reduce feelings of isolation in your mate and encourage him or her to lose weight in order to participate or may help him or her lose weight by virtue of participating.^{[19]
X
Expert Source

Alyssa Chang
Wellness Coach & Personal Trainer
Expert Interview. 16 October 2019.}
- Playing on a rugby team, taking yoga classes, or joining a club of mothers who take regular walks together may help your mate focus on the enjoyable activities he or she could take part in once weight loss has been achieved (or in order to achieve it).

Method 5

Method 5 of 5:

Understand What Encourages and Discourages Weight Loss Attempts

Even if you have the best intentions, your mate may not be ready to try losing weight. Your mate may not feel confident that he or she can succeed, may not want to acknowledge the weight problem, or may even be ashamed to discuss weight issues with you. Approaching your mate about weight loss can be complicated and may not have the effect you anticipated.^{[20]
X
Research source} Remember that preparing to lose weight safely and permanently is a long, personal process that your friend will have to commit to individually. Many times, the most you can do is encourage and support your friend and work to avoid having your efforts backfire.

1
Be supportive and encouraging – within limits. If you obsess over your friend’s need to lose weight, you may drive him or her away. Let your mate know you are there to help in any way he or she needs, whether it be just to listen or to give a 5am wake-up call every day.
2
Do not threaten your mate. If you are desperate for your friend to commit to losing weight, resist the temptation to threaten by using “or else” statements or making your friendship or affection contingent on his or her commitment to losing weight.
- Forcing your mate to choose between losing weight and having you as a supportive friend is unhelpful and may only drive your friend to poor eating habits or a sense of denial.
- If your friend has rejected your attempts to encourage weight loss, drop the issue for a while. Sometimes your friend needs to know that you support him or her despite any weight problems, and time may be the key ingredient in helping him or her develop the personal motivation to lose weight.
3
Offer positive reinforcement. When he or she makes a healthy decision or reaches a goal toward committing to losing weight, celebrate with an activity that does not involve a focus on food or weight loss, like getting a manicure together, playing a game, going shopping, or simply offering positive compliments.^{[21]
X
Expert Source

Alyssa Chang
Wellness Coach & Personal Trainer
Expert Interview. 16 October 2019.}
4
Do not criticize or be cruel. Insulting your friend in words or deeds, making derogatory comments about his or her size or eating habits, or excluding your friend from activities will not motivate him or her to lose weight safely and effectively.
- If you criticize your friend’s weight, clothing size, eating habits, physical activity levels, or appearance, you may inadvertently trigger unhealthy binging, eating disorders, and mental health problems while reducing your ability to influence him or her positively in the future.
- Do not lose your temper or turn the matter into an argument. Your mate will begin the process of losing weight when he or she is ready, and alienating yourself by speaking or acting offensively will endanger your friendship.
5
Remove roadblocks to weight loss. If your discussion about weight loss, health, and motivation has identified things that may be preventing your friend from taking the first step for weight loss, work to address the roadblock and help your friend find motivation.^{[22]
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Research source}
- Some people just need regular reassurance that he or she is able to succeed at losing weight and that you will remain a friend no matter what the result. Others need a regular, firm reminder to exercise or eat well.
- If your friend does not know how to eat well or exercise, this may be the primary barrier between your mate and weight loss. Work with him or her to prepare healthy meals, take walks, learn how to lift weights, buy more vegetables instead of chips, and identify healthy substitutions for foods and activities.
- At times, the main barrier between individuals and a commitment to lose weight may be a mental or emotional difficulty. If your mate will not acknowledge a need to lose weight or get healthier, a doctor, loved one, or your friend alone may need to work through the matter without your interference.

Warnings

Fad diets, fasting, and extreme exercise programs can cause significant health problems and unhealthy weight loss. Never suggest that your friend participate in such weight loss efforts, and instead encourage a slow, steady approach to weight loss once he or she has committed to losing weight.

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