How to Text Your Ex After No Contact

Co-authored by Hardy Jean and Christopher M. Osborne, PhD

Last Updated: October 25, 2022 References

So you’ve done the “no contact” thing after your breakup, and now you’re wondering if and how you should get back in touch with your ex. When it comes to “if,” texting them may be a good idea if you have realistic and clear goals in mind. As for the “how,” check out the complete list below for all kinds of great ideas! Pick out a few that suit you and use them as inspiration for your first text after no contact.

1

Ask for help remembering something from your relationship.

This is a great ice-breaker if you’re looking to be friends. And it’s also a good strategy if you’re thinking about getting back together! Pick out a fond relationship memory, but tell your ex you need the info for a friend or family member. That way, you’re not piling unrealistic expectations onto your initial text.^{[1]
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- “Hey, remember that shark movie that scared the heck out of us? I want to recommend it to my cousin but I forget the name.”
- “My Mom’s in town and I want to take her to that Italian restaurant with the killer tiramisu. You know how bad I am remembering the names of places!
- “Was Lake Thomas or Lake Thompson the one that had the canoe rental place? Gail and Joe are heading up to the lakes for a getaway and I want to let them know.”

2

Seek practical help with a specific problem you’re facing.

Try this strategy to rekindle a friendship (or something more). Offer your ex the chance to be the bigger person and play the hero. If they accept it, they may justify helping you by deciding that they must still like you.^{[2]
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- “This is awkward, but I need to help my roomie move a dresser across town and you’re the only guy I know with a pickup. Can we hire you for an hour?”
- “So I got a flat tire and have been waiting 2 hours for the auto club. I’m like 2 blocks from your place—any chance you could give me a hand?”
- “Ugh—my crazy modem is up to its old tricks again. Can you walk me through how you got it to work that other time? You’ll be my hero forever!”

3

Get an update about something from the “no contact” period.

This shows that you didn’t just forget all about them. In fact, even though you stuck to the no contact plan, this strategy shows that you kept on thinking about your ex. But it’s more of a “thinking about you” than a “thinking of you” text, so you won’t come off as overly eager to get back together.
- “Hey, did you end up getting that promotion? You were supposed to find out a couple weeks back, I think. Hope you got it!”
- “Hey there—were you able to get that new apartment? I know how excited you were about the possibility. Fingers crossed!”
- “Hope you don’t mind my asking, but how’s your mother doing? Her recovery was going great and I really hope she’s back to 100% now.”

4

Drop a hint you still remember your ex’s likes or dislikes.

Present it as a random observation that shows you still think about them. This lets your ex know they’re still on your mind but you’re not obsessing over them. Try this strategy if you’re hoping to reconnect and then see where things go from there.
- “Looking at the colorful evening sky just now got me thinking about how much you love beautiful sunsets. Hope you’re doing well.”
- “Whenever I go to Softee’s I think about when you and I (OK, mostly I) conquered the banana split challenge. Good times!”
- “Just got my tix for the new Batman movie. I’m sure you’ll be at the first midnight showing! Gotta say I kinda wish we could’ve gone together.”

5

Share something humorous as a casual ice-breaker.

Send a funny joke or GIF to ease the awkwardness of reconnecting. You can come up with something completely random or connect it to your relationship somehow. In any case, this is a good way to get them to text back and reopen the lines of communication in a low-pressure manner.
- “Is it weird that I thought that last ‘Masked Singer’ contestant looked kinda like me…before they took the mask off?”
- “Knock-knock. (Yes, seriously—I promise it’s a good one!)”
- “Me when the game went into double OT last night.” (Attached image of some cute animal looking randomly terrified)

6

Congratulate your ex for an accomplishment.

Giving kudos for an achievement may make them eager to chat. When you offer your congratulations, also provide a quick, reasonable explanation for how you found out about it. This shows you’re keeping tabs on them without getting obsessed, and it’ll put them in a good mood!
- “Ran into Paul today and he told me you passed your boards last week. That’s really awesome—I always knew you’d do it!”
- “Down here on the 33rd floor we don’t usually know what’s going on up on the 38th floor, but I saw that company memo about your promotion. Seriously, that’s really great and I’m really happy for you.”
- “What??!! I just saw you on the news because you helped rescue that dog that had fallen through the ice. You’re a superhero!!!”

7

Offer sympathy for difficulties your ex has experienced.

Showing them you still care can help start a relationship rebuild. Like pointing out an accomplishment of theirs, this shows you’re keeping tabs (to a reasonable degree). But you’ll be better able to display your caring and compassionate side here, which are welcome attributes if you want to become friends—or get back together.
- “Really sorry to find out that you had to close down your bookshop. I know how much that place meant to you.”
- “So sorry to hear about your grandmother. She was such a sweet lady and cared so much about you. And she made the best chocolate chip cookies!”
- “I suppose you must’ve gotten caught up in that massive downsizing I heard about at Acme Corp. That really stinks. Hope you quickly find something new and better.”

8

Apologize genuinely, not as a strategy.

This is a first step toward rebuilding a connection moving forward. For instance, apologizing genuinely is a great start if you’re looking to become friends, get back together, or find closure. Manufacturing an apology as an attempted quick-fix to get back together isn’t going to work in the long run—you’ll just run into the same problems as before. So send this message without expectations—including any expectations that your ex will apologize in return.^{[3]
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- “I’m really sorry about how things ended with us. I realize now that I was being super immature. I hope you can forgive me.”
- “I’ve had time to think it over, and now I see and accept that I was verbally abusive toward you. I’m so ashamed and sorry for that behavior and I’m working hard to make sure I never repeat it.”
- “Every day I regret cheating on you. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I do hope that you’ll accept this as a heartfelt apology for what I did to you.”

9

Ask your ex about resuming contact.

Make sure you’re clear with yourself about what you’re hoping to achieve. Once you know you want to become friends, get back together, etc., be direct about wanting to re-establish ties with your ex. Unless you’re dead-set on getting back together right away, stick with casual, low-pressure ways to resume contact, but try to be very deliberate about setting a new boundary for how that relationship will then transform and continue.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Hardy Jean
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 10 June 2022.} Your ex may not be ready (now or ever) for this, so keep reasonable expectations.^{[5]
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- “I’ve really missed talking to you. Can we meet up at the coffee shop some afternoon this week and catch up?”
- “Is it okay if I give you a call? There are some things I’d really like to talk about and I’d rather not do it by text.”
- “Well, we both made it through the ‘no contact’ period, and it’s helped me realize I don’t want you completely out of my life. Can we get together and talk?”

10

See if you can be “just friends” with each other.

Be direct and give them the opportunity to decide. The shift from “ex” to “friend” works great in some cases, but sometimes there’s just too much baggage for it to happen. Also be clear with yourself that this is all you want—that you’re not still harboring thoughts about trying to get back together.^{[6]
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Research source} It's completely fine if you want to stay friends with your ex, but it's important to lay those platonic foundations in place before moving on.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Hardy Jean
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 10 June 2022.}
- “I really miss hanging out with you. Any chance we could try being just friends?"
- “Mountain biking just hasn’t been the same without my trail companion. Any chance we could try going on a ride as friends who really love biking?”
- “Some of the other stuff just didn’t work out, but you really were a great friend to me. I miss that a lot. Can we try being friends again?”
- The first interaction should really just be about setting new boundaries and expectations. Really try to see what type of friendship you want to build, just because friendships do tend to vary in levels of intimacy that it's very hard to go from being in a romantic relationship to being very close friends.^{[8]
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  Expert Source
  
  Hardy Jean
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 10 June 2022.}

11

Let them know you want to get back together.

If you’re sure you want your ex back, go ahead and say so! There are plenty of reasons why people advise against getting back together with an ex, especially after a fairly short break-up, since relationships tend to end for a reason.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Hardy Jean
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 10 June 2022.} But if you know it’s the right decision for you, then it’s okay to be direct about it. Your ex might give you a clear “yes” or “no” answer, or a more hesitant reply, in which case you can decide if you want to try to get back together more slowly.^{[10]
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- “I miss you and want to get back together. Do you feel the same way?”
- “Breaking up with you was a big mistake. Can we try again?”
- “Hope you don’t mind me getting right to the point: I want to date you again. How about Friday night?”

12

End contact with them politely but clearly.

Close the door on the relationship if you’re ready to move on. Yes, you can just continue the no contact period indefinitely, but sending a message like this helps provide closure. If your ex was harboring hopes of getting back together, it’ll help them realize they need to move on as well. Be polite but clear so there’s no doubt about what you’re saying.
- “Hope you’re doing well. I’ve been thinking a lot this past month, and I’m ready to say goodbye to you and move on. I wish you all the best.”
- “This break helped me process what happened and helped me realize I’m ready to move on. I think this will be our last contact, so I hope things go well for you.”
- “Wanted to let you know I’m moving out-of-state next week and getting a fresh start on things. I wish the best for you as well. Goodbye.”

Expert Q&A

Question

Is it OK to text your ex after they break up with you?

Hardy Jean
Dating Coach
Hardy "Coach DT" Jean is a Dating Coach and the Head Coach & Co-Founder of Way Tooo Spicy LLP, a relationship and dating coaching service based in Boston, Massachusetts. Hardy's specialties include trauma healing, self-love practices, and modern dating tactics in an increasingly virtual world. He works with his clients to upgrade their dating experiences through healing trauma, implementing uniquely personalized dating gameplans, and empowering clients to attract partners that they deserve. He has a BA in Legal Studies from the University of Massachusetts Amherst and is currently pursuing his Juris Doctor at Northeastern School of Law.

Hardy Jean

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

It can be, as long as your goal is to either get closure or set up a conversation evaluating what's left of your relationship. Just remember—they're your ex for a reason. No matter how true your feelings may have been at some point and no matter how frequently you have thoughts on things you could've done differently, it never serves you in terms of your healing journey to go back to your ex. They'll always see you as the version of yourself when they decided that you weren't good enough for the relationship to continue.