How to Text a Guy Without Looking Desperate

Co-authored by Imad Jbara and Jessica Gibson

Last Updated: October 25, 2022 References

Texting is a fantastic way to connect with a guy that you're into, especially if you're nervous about talking in person. Sure, you can text whenever you want, but there are some key guidelines to follow so you don't overwhelm him or look desperate. Check out the following texting tips so you communicate with confidence.

Things You Should Know

Text him when you genuinely have something to ask or share. Avoid simply texting "hey".
Text him sparingly. Give him a chance to respond to your texts, and don't text him immediately after you've seen him.
Mention plans with other people that you have, and avoid sharing too many deep, personal details over text.

1

Text him when you have something to say or share.

Avoid just texting him "Hi," or "Hey." This comes across as boring and he'll think you don't have anything better to do than to text him.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.} Instead, text him something about your day or send him a picture of something cool.^{[2]
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- Maybe you two have an inside joke and you see something that reminds you of it. Snap a picture of it and text it to him. This is way more interesting than a typical, "Hey."

2

Keep your texts brief.

It's totally fine to text him, but avoid sending long paragraphs regularly. Think of it this way, the more you text, the more you dilute the impact of your message. Want to leave him wanting more? Send a short and sweet message. That's it!^{[3]
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- For instance, you might send a text that says, "Want to meet up sometime this week?" It sounds confident, it sounds bold, and it doesn't sound like you're clutching the phone waiting for his response.

3

Give him a chance to text back.

Wait for a response before you automatically text him again. This is especially true if you asked him a question and definitely do not text him back and ask why he hasn't responded.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.} Don't text him until he responds to the text you've already sent and don't beat yourself up while you wait for a response—you may be reading too much into it and he might just be busy!^{[5]
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- You might consider when you texted him—was it at a super inconvenient time when he might be away from his phone? Take this into account if you're anxiously waiting for a response.
- Avoid sending a string of texts in a row. You don't want him to pick up his phone only to see that you texted him a dozen times in a row.

4

Match his level of investment.

You shouldn't have to work hard to get his attention. If he's texting back single-word responses or takes days to reply, he's not as invested as you are.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.} In this case, you can either move on or text him a flirty response to pique his interest.^{[7]
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- For example, if he texts you with a vague promise to hang out, but doesn't give you details, don't do all the planning for him. Say something like, "As much as I like planning dates, I think it would be more fun if you decide." He'll either respond with date specifics or he'll pass and you won't be wasting your time and energy.

5

Don't be afraid to flirt.

It's totally fine to drop hints when you text.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.} After all, if you're interested in him, you want him to know it! Being a little cheeky or fun with your text also shows that you're not desperate for him—it shows you have a playful side.^{[9]
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- For example, text, "Stop looking so hot in the pics you post. You’re killing me over here!" or, "If you want to make a move, today would be the perfect time to go for it."

6

Keep things casual.

There's no need to bare your soul over a text message. Texting should be light, fun, and simple so don't get super romantic, especially if you don't know the guy very well.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.} Nothing will scare him off faster than you texting revealing how much you like him or how glad you are that you two found each other.^{[11]
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- Remember, you want to get him interested or curious about you. Don't put all your cards on the table right away!

7

Feel free to text him first.

Send a confident message that shows you're interested. You've probably been told at some point that you should wait for him to make the first move. The truth is, you don't have to! You can totally text him a short message that lets him know you're interested. This also shows him you're confident and not afraid to get what you want.^{[12]
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- You might text, "Hey, I had a really great time with you yesterday. We should meet up after I get back in town."

8

Mention other plans you have.

Ask if he wants to meet up because you've got other offers. Maybe he said you two should hang on on Friday night, but come Friday afternoon, you've heard nothing. Send him a text asking if he wants to do something that night because you have other things you might do and you need to know.^{[13]
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- For example, text, "Hey, I assume we're not on for tonight? I haven't heard from you and I've got other things I'd like to do if not."
- This kind of text puts you in charge since you're telling him you've got potential plans and you won't wait around for him to ask you out.

9

Try not to text him right after you've seen him.

You might be excited about him or think it's cute, but give him space! If you text your guy right after being around him, you may come off as clingy or even possessive. Give him a few hours or a day before you send him a message or a picture. This shows you're busy doing things and you have a life of your own.^{[14]
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- If he's into you, this gives him time to wonder what you're up to and curiosity can make him even more interested in you.

10

Keep your personal information to yourself.

Don't overshare or you might look like you're trying too hard. This is super important if you don't know the guy very well. If you text a lot of personal info, he might feel overwhelmed or you may even scare him off. Stick to light, easy topics until you know each other better.^{[15]
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- For example, don't gossip about mutual friends or complain about your exes. You should also avoid texting about topics that are hard to talk about by text such as politics, religion, money, and sex.
- Mentioning past relationships is definitely off-limits! No guy wants to hear you complain about your ex via text message, so stay positive and don't talk about them.

11

Avoid texting him too often.

There are no firm rules about how often you should text the guy. However, you should try to read his signals so you know how often to respond. For instance, if he always texts you back and asks you questions, by all means, answer!^{[16]
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- If he takes days to respond and doesn't seem engaged, try to communicate more in person instead of by text since he doesn't seem too interested in electronic communication.

12

Text him only when you're sober.

If you text when you're drunk, you may say something you regret. No one wants to check their phone the day after a long night out to find that they sent a string of embarrassing texts to a guy. If you don't trust yourself not to text while you're drinking, give your phone to a friend for the night or temporarily turn off your texting feature. You'll thank yourself later!^{[17]
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- If it's too late and you've already done this, don't panic. Send a short text to apologize and point out that you'd been drinking. Then, drop it and don't worry about it anymore.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I keep him wanting more?

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Imad Jbara is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Imad services 100+ clients, men and women, to improve their dating lives through authentic communication skills. He has a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth.

Imad Jbara

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Make him work for it! Don't be afraid to play a little hard to get—this will trigger his adventurous spirit, and make him want to work hard.
Question

How do you let him know you are interested in him?

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Imad Jbara is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Imad services 100+ clients, men and women, to improve their dating lives through authentic communication skills. He has a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth.

Imad Jbara

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Dumb your messages down a bit. A lot of times, guys won't see the signs you're putting out when you try to make the first move. Instead of playing hard to get and just saying "No, I'm not interested," up the stakes by saying something like "Do you really think you can win me over with that cute smile and charm? You'll need to do better than that."