15 Heartfelt Texts to Send Your Boyfriend After a Fight

Co-authored by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD and Christopher M. Osborne, PhD

Last Updated: January 27, 2023

You’ve had a fight with your boyfriend and, instead of worrying about who’s to blame, you’ve wisely focused on how to patch things up. You want to send a text to get things started, but what should you write? To help out, we’ve listed a range of texts to suit practically every kind of post-argument situation. We’ve also added advice at the end of the list about choosing the right timing and style for your text.

1

Acknowledge your role in the argument.

A good apology can calm hurt feelings in many situations. When apologizing by text, focus on being direct and taking your fair share (and maybe a bit more) of the responsibility. Be specific about what you’re apologizing for, but avoid negative terms like “fight” as much as you can.^{[1]
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- If you know it was primarily your fault: “I’m so sorry for my behavior after you said you lost my keys. I turned an honest mistake into a big problem for no good reason.”
- If you feel it was mostly his fault: “I apologize for not handling things better this afternoon. I should have stepped away for a few minutes to prevent it from getting worse.”
- If the fight happened because you weren’t listening: “I’m really sorry for ignoring you when you were trying to tell me something important. I know I need to become a better listener.”
- If you’re hoping for forgiveness: “I’m sorry, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I know I really messed up.”

2

Tell him how much he means to you.

Try this if you’re worried he may think you no longer care. If your argument got really heated, you may have said something like “I don’t know why I put up with you” or “I really dislike you right now.” If so, let him know that was your frustration talking and state clearly that you still care deeply for him.
- “You mean the world to me and it makes me sick to think about how badly I messed things up last night.”
- “Yesterday was really tough, but I care about you as deeply as ever and I know we can get back on track.”
- “I’m so sorry for the hurtful things I said. I love you.”

3

Let him know you regret what happened.

If arguing is out of character for you, offer an explanation. Arguments are an inevitable part of any relationship, but hopefully it’s not a regular occurrence in yours. In this case, tell him you feel bad for your part in letting something so uncommon happen. Offer an explanation—but not an excuse—for why it happened as well.^{[2]
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- If there was a triggering event that didn’t involve him: “I’m so sorry that I let my crappy day at work spill over into an argument with you.”
- If you grew up in a home where fighting was common: “You know I hate fighting because of my family situation growing up, so I’m truly sorry that I let such a little thing spiral out of control.”
- If you got too worked up trying to “fix” your relationship: “I fight so hard for our relationship because it means so much to me, but I shouldn’t let that turn into an actual fight.”
- If you said something particularly hurtful or insensitive: “I can’t begin to tell you how awful I feel about calling you stupid yesterday. I’ve never been more sorry about something I said.”

4

Ask for a chance to explain yourself.

Try this when you’re at fault and don’t want to make excuses. If you go straight into explaining your behavior, it can come off as making excuses. Instead, ask him to give you the opportunity to explain why things happened the way they did. (If possible, ask to do this in person or by talking on the phone.^{[3]
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- “I feel awful about my behavior. It was totally unjustified. I’d really like the chance to explain why I got so upset. Can I call you?”
- “I’m so sorry I blew up at you like that last night. I’ve had some family stuff happening that I should have talked to you about earlier. Can I come over and explain what’s going on?”

5

Offer to do something nice for him.

Show you’re sorry by doing things to make him feel better. Kind gestures shouldn’t take the place of a good apology, but can serve as tangible measures that show you mean what you say about being sorry. Don’t let your guilt lead you to offer to do things you really don’t want to do, but do make reasonable suggestions that you know he’ll appreciate.
- “I’d really like to make my apology in person…at that steakhouse you love. Can you meet me there if I make a reservation for 7?”
- “I’m really sorry. How sorry? I’ll do the dishes for the next week—and you know how much I hate doing the dishes!”
- [Send a pic of his car all washed and shiny with you holding a sign that reads “I’m sorry!”]

6

Make it clear you plan to change.

Go beyond an apology and lay out how you’re going to improve. Just saying sorry—even when it’s heartfelt—isn’t enough when you’re primarily to blame. Give him a concrete, actionable, realistic way you’re going to learn from what happened, improve, and make sure it doesn’t happen again.^{[4]
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- “I’m so sorry I didn’t walk away to calm myself when I got upset at you. I know I should have, and I promise I will next time.”
- “I can’t tell you how sorry I am. Nothing good happens when I drink too much. I’m absolutely going to cut back on alcohol.”
- “I can’t believe I shoved you during our argument. I’m so sorry. I know I need to get my anger under control so I’ve signed up for an anger management class.”

7

Validate his feelings.

Send this text when you know he’s still really upset. It can be tempting to minimize his feelings by saying something like “I know you’re mad but you’ll get over it” or “That wasn’t really so bad.” Whether he’s remorseful, upset, or still angry, don’t try to control what he’s feeling. Instead, ask what you can do to help him process what he’s feeling.
- “I’m ready to talk about this whenever you are, but if you need some space for a couple days, that’s okay too.”
- “Is there something I can do right now to help you? I feel terrible about how we ended things today.”
- “I know you’re still upset, and you have every right to be. Please tell me what I can do.”

8

Crack an “inside joke” to ease the tension.

Try this only if you know he’s also embarrassed by a silly fight. Really big arguments can happen over really ridiculous things, and sometimes you both are just looking for approval to laugh it off and move on. If you’re very confident that he, like you, feels this way, give him the okay by sending a funny text.
- “Well that was a doozy! I think that’s the most worked up either of us has been since the ‘Bachelor’ finale (which I’m still not over!)”
- “Yikes. I feel like we were in one of those insurance commercials about people becoming like their parents. It was like ‘Hey, let’s bicker for half an hour about something we don’t even remember.’”
- “What was more red last night—my shirt or my face? You probably thought I was going to pop like a balloon.”

9

Ask to leave the fight behind.

This strategy works if blame for the fight is pretty equal. Say, for example, that you had a big fight for some really foolish reason. Rather than worrying about the silly topic that somehow kicked things off, ask him if you can both look ahead toward improving your relationship through better communication.
- “I can’t believe we got into a fight over a pair of pants! Can we forget about that and work on sharing our feelings more openly?”
- “Is it okay if we pretend that fight never happened? That’s not something we ever need to repeat.”
- “We’ve never fought like that before, and I don’t ever want to fight like that again. Would you consider attending couples’ therapy with me?”

10

Tell him you’re ready to listen if he wants to talk.

Do this instead of asking him to apologize when he’s at fault. Demanding or even politely requesting an apology is likely to stir up a negative reaction. Instead, start with a quick, reasonable apology for your role, then open the door for him to choose to apologize.
- “I’m sorry I got upset with you. If you want to talk about what happened, I’m ready to listen to whatever you have to say.”
- “That was no fun, and I apologize for my role in it. I’ve calmed down and I’m ready to really listen whenever you’re ready to talk.”
- “So sorry that happened. Let’s talk, please, when you’re ready. I really want us to find a way through this.”

11

Present a compromise.

Make the first move if you’re stuck in a disagreement. The art of compromise is critical to the success of any relationship. So, if your argument happened due to a strong difference of opinion, step up to offer a fair solution and give him the opportunity to respond.
- “Let’s not fight anymore about where to go on vacation. How about we go somewhere completely new for both of us—like maybe a camping trip?”
- “Instead of arguing about whether you should move in with me or I should move in with you, how about we look for a new place together?”
- “I know you really don’t want to go to prom, and that I really do. Could we maybe go but agree to stay for like 2 hours?”

12

Invite him to talk in person.

Even if you often communicate by text, in-person may be better. Texting is better than not trying to reach out after a fight, but it’s often not the ideal way to apologize, resolve a problem, or offer a listening ear. Talking in person is usually best, since you get the benefit of reading each other’s body language, but talking on the phone can be preferable to texting as well.^{[5]
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- “Can you meet me at the coffee shop to talk? I really want to apologize for my behavior the right way.”
- “Our fight started over text, so I’d really like to resolve it in person. Please come meet me after class.”
- “Can I give you a call to talk things over? Texting just doesn’t feel like the right way to do this.”

13

Wait until you’ve calmed down to send the text.

You might make things worse with a poorly-considered text. If the argument has just ended, or if you’re still fuming about it a few hours later, don’t be in a rush to send a text. Make sure you’re thinking straight before hitting “send”—otherwise you might say something hurtful that rekindles rather than snuffs out the argument.
- If you’re still angry about the fight, try calming techniques like doing deep breathing exercises, going for a walk, visualizing a happy place, or listening to soothing music.

14

Keep the first text short.

Aim to resolve the issue in person, not with a long text. What you’re really trying to do here is get the ball rolling, so it’s helpful to make your point quickly. If you try to do too much with your first text and it ends up really long, your boyfriend may feel overwhelmed by it and be less likely to engage with you.
- There’s no perfect text length here you should try to hit. Instead, just read through your text before hitting “send” to be sure you’re making your point without rambling on.
- It might help to sprinkle in a few emojis like 😢, 🙏, or 😘, but don’t rely on them or clipped words and phrases to make your message shorter.

15

Try another method if he doesn’t respond.

Don’t send repeated texts in an effort to get a reply. If he doesn’t respond to your text, it’s almost certainly not because he didn’t receive it for some reason. Rather, he’s probably just still upset. You might give him several hours or a day and then text again, or move on to another option like the following:
- Calling him.
- Messaging him on social media.
- Sending an email, in which case you can go into a bit more detail (but still without getting too wordy).
- Asking a mutual friend to get in touch with him.
- Going old-school and writing him a note or letter.

Expert Q&A

Question

Why does my partner yell during fights?

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 10 years of experience, and is now the Clinical Director at Coast Psychological Services in Los Angeles, California. She received her Doctor of Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2009. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples.

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

People usually yell because they don't feel heard. Taking turns actively listening to each other may help you both stop yelling during arguments.
Question

How can I validate my partner during a fight?

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 10 years of experience, and is now the Clinical Director at Coast Psychological Services in Los Angeles, California. She received her Doctor of Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2009. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples.

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

To validate your partner, acknowledge what they've said and how they feel. Additionally, summarize what they said so they know you're listening to them.