11 Important Reasons Why You Shouldn't Text Your Ex-Girlfriend

Co-authored by Erika Kaplan and Glenn Carreau

Last Updated: April 30, 2022 References

The urge to text an ex-girlfriend can be pretty intense, but it's actually one of the last things you should do. Texting an ex often stops both of you from getting over the breakup in a healthy way, especially if you message her on a whim. Here, we'll explain all the reasons why you shouldn't text your ex-girlfriend, whether you're looking for a clean break or a reunion!

1

You both need space.

The healing process takes time, whether or not you get back together. It's possible to be friends or reignite the romance eventually, but any relationship will be challenging to maintain if you both haven't recovered from the initial breakup. Take care of yourself and resist the urge to text while you process your feelings.^{[1]
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- Self-care can include making time for relaxing activities every day, spending time with friends, and getting into a regular routine for a sense of stability.
- Even if you want your ex back, the no contact rule recommends you wait at least 30 days before texting her. That way, you'll have enough time to work out your feelings and get in a better headspace before talking.

2

It could make you feel worse.

Breakups can make you feel rejected, but your ex can't fix that. If you want closure, you're likely feeling insecure and rejected because of how the relationship ended—but texting your girlfriend could result in even more insecurities. In the wake of a breakup, it's better to be introspective. Ask yourself questions to gain clarity about what happened, and you'll learn from your mistakes.^{[2]
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- Be totally honest with yourself when you think about the relationship. Why did it end? How did your choices affect that?
- Ask yourself how you may have added to problems in the relationship. Is there a way for you to be more constructive in the future?
- You're worthy of love and capable of finding it again, but that understanding has to come from inside yourself, not from her.

3

You could say something you'll regret.

Texting when emotions are high is never a good idea. You might feel like you want closure (or a reunion) from your ex-girlfriend, but if you text her when you're angry, upset, or overly sentimental about the relationship, you might say something you don't mean.^{[3]
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Research source} Take steps to calm yourself down and re-evaluate whether you actually want to text her once you feel better.
- Channel your energy into exercise, like running, swimming, or a workout. Exercise will help you calm down because it causes your body to release chemical endorphins, which make you feel happier.^{[4]
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- Make sure you take care of a few basic human needs. You'll feel better after you have a shower, splash water on your face, or take a nap.
- Keep a journal or write about your feelings somehow. Studies have shown that creative writing is an excellent coping strategy and a great way to reduce anger in the long term.^{[5]
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4

You broke up for a reason.

Nostalgia can make you think a relationship is better than it really was. It's true that "time heals all wounds," but that's not always an advantage. As time passes, you'll only think about the good aspects of your relationship and forget the bad. Think about the reasons you broke up, and remember that all the problems you had before will still be there if you reconnect with your ex-girlfriend.^{[6]
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- If you're more self-aware and ready to address past issues as a team, go for it! But if one (or both) of you is not, then this relationship is best left in the past.

5

Texting tells her that you're lonely.

It's normal to be lonely after a breakup, but there are other fish in the sea. You might want to reconnect with an ex—not because you're really hung up on her, but because you're lonely without a partner. Learn new ways to overcome the loneliness and remind yourself that you still have a future. It may not be what you envisioned with your ex-girlfriend, but it's a bright future nonetheless!^{[7]
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- Make a point to hang out with friends and family to combat the loneliness. You don't need to start dating again before you're ready.
- A good support system is always important when you're still healing from a breakup. Make time to talk to someone (or a couple of people) you trust about how you're feeling.
- If you keep texting her, you could seem like you're "submarining," or popping in and out of her life.

6

You might be settling.

Texting an ex is like admitting that you'll never find a better relationship. After breaking up, it's important to recognize that moving on is your end goal and remind yourself that you'll have more chances for love throughout your life. Once the urge to text your ex passes, you'll remember that there's a happy, fulfilling relationship waiting for you if you stay open to new possibilities.^{[8]
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- Try not to over-analyze or second-guess your decision not to text your ex, as it can stop you from moving on. You don't deserve to settle for a relationship that probably wasn't right for you!

7

You'll have peace of mind.

After you text your ex, you'll start to stress about it. What if she doesn't message you back? What do you say if she does? You can take control of your life when you put your phone down and resolve not to text. Maybe she'll text you eventually, and you can talk again—or maybe she won't, and you'll have a clean, peaceful breakup. Either way, you did the healthiest thing for yourself!

8

It might sabotage new romantic relationships.

You'll be less content with a future partner if your ex is on the backburner. When you text your ex consistently while dating someone else, you're essentially keeping her on the hook for "insurance," so you'll always have a partner when you need one. That wouldn't be fair to your ex—and you'll find that it makes you less satisfied with anybody else you date because you're always thinking of her.^{[9]
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- Backburner relationships with your ex are more threatening to your primary relationship because you have a history there, and it's easy to second-guess your choices.
- It's perfectly acceptable to be friends with your ex, but keeping things platonic can be a struggle for some, so make sure you've fully moved on before you try friendship.

9

It'll stop you from getting over her.

The more time you spend texting her, the harder it'll be to move on. You'll definitely be tempted to text your ex-girlfriend if you're constantly thinking about her instead of your future. It may seem difficult to push your ex to the back of your mind, but keep in mind that thinking about her (and texting her) will likely only prolong the pain and drama of the breakup.
- You won't be so tempted to text if you block her number on your phone—or even delete it if you're feeling brave.^{[10]
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10

It won't help you win her back.

If you want to get back together with your ex, let her come to you. She might assume you're desperate if you text first, and she'll find that less appealing. Plus, texting or repeatedly calling after she doesn't respond can seem obsessive and drive her away.^{[11]
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Research source} The easiest way to get back in touch with her is to live your life and let her reach out when she's ready.
- Even if you send one text in a moment of weakness, resist the urge to double-text or call her to follow up. Double-texting can easily overwhelm a person, so it's better to sit back and let her respond if she wants to.

11

Your ex will be more curious about your life.

If you don't text, she may start to wonder whether you've moved on. This could lead to your ex-girlfriend texting you to see how you're doing. She won't have the chance to wonder about you if you text first, and she may lose interest in reconnecting. Though it may seem counter-intuitive, if you want your ex to text, give it time and let her curiosity build up a little.
- To pique her interest a more, try posting on social media accounts you know she'll see. Show off any fun adventures or personal accomplishments you have, and you might catch her eye.
- If she's liking and/or interacting with social media posts in some way, you'll know she's still keeping tabs on you.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you fall out of love with an ex?

Erika Kaplan
Matchmaker
Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.

Erika Kaplan

Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Acceptance is key. You have to accept the fact that you have feelings for a former person in your life, and that's okay! You may feel feelings for your ex, because frankly, he or she was a part of your life for a long time. You don't just open your heart and close it right up again.