How to Deal With a Boyfriend Who Is Obsessed With Your Butt

Co-authored by Jessica Swenson and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: November 15, 2022 References

It feels great to have a partner who loves how you look. But when your boyfriend is obsessed with your butt, it can start to make you feel uncomfortable or even objectified. In this article, we’ll tell you how to talk with your boyfriend and set clear boundaries that he has to follow—otherwise, you may want to rethink your relationship.

1

Tell your boyfriend that he’s making you uncomfortable.

Let him know right away that his behavior isn’t okay. If he’s a good boyfriend, he’ll want you to feel loved and cared for, not objectified or awkward. Tell him that what he’s doing makes you feel bad and that you’d like him to stop.^{[1]
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- Try something like, “I really don’t like it when you do that. It makes me uncomfortable, and I want you to stop it.”

2

Identify your personal boundaries.

Sit down and think about what you’re okay with (and not okay with). Everyone’s boundaries are different, so don’t be afraid to come up with your own. That way, you’ll have a clear message to tell your boyfriend when you two talk so there’s no misunderstanding.^{[2]
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- For instance, maybe you’re okay with your boyfriend grabbing your butt in private, but not in public.
- Or, maybe you’re okay with him touching your butt, but you’d like him to ask you first.

3

Remind yourself that your needs are valid.

You don’t need to feel guilty for asserting your boundaries. Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries in a relationship, and that includes you. Standing up for yourself and telling your boyfriend how you feel will only improve your relationship, and it will make you feel much better, too.^{[3]
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- If your boyfriend doesn’t respect your needs, he is not a good partner, and it’s probably time to end things with him.

4

Wait for a quiet moment to talk to him.

Make sure you’re both feeling cool, calm, and collected. Pick a quiet, private spot to talk so you don’t get overheard. Picking the right time and place will probably lead to a much smoother conversation, and it will ensure that it goes better.^{[4]
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- If you aren’t sure whether or not your boyfriend is in a good place to talk, try asking, “Hey, do you have a second to chat with me?”

5

Use “I” statements.

Tell him how you’re feeling to avoid making him defensive. When you use “I” statements, focus on how his behavior makes you feel instead of blaming him for it. That way, you can have a much more productive conversation, and he’ll be more likely to respect what you’re saying.^{[5]
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- Instead of saying, “You always grab my butt in public,” try, “When you grab me in public, I feel uncomfortable.”
- Instead of saying, “You only ever talk about my butt,” try, “When you compliment my butt and not the rest of my body, I feel like you’re sexualizing me.”

6

Tell your boyfriend what you are okay with.

Let him know what he can do so he understands what you’re comfortable with. Maybe you don’t mind your boyfriend talking about your butt with you, or you’re okay with him grabbing your butt in private. Be clear about what’s okay so he knows in the future. Try something like:^{[6]
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- “It’s totally fine if you grab my butt when we’re home alone. I don’t mind it in private.”
- “You can take pictures of my butt if you keep them to yourself.”

7

Set clear consequences.

Tell your boyfriend what will happen if he doesn’t respect your boundaries. You might take a break, rethink the relationship, or simply spend some time apart. It’s important to follow through with these consequences, too—that way, he knows you’re serious.^{[7]
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- Say something like, “If you don’t respect my boundaries, I think it might be best if we took a break.”
- Or, “If you can’t respect my wishes, I’ll have to break up with you.”

8

Listen to your boyfriend's perspective.

Give him a chance to talk uninterrupted. It’s important that he has a say in the conversation too, even though it’s about your boundaries. Let him tell you his perspective, but be firm in your position. Nod along as he talks and ask follow-up questions to show that you’re listening.^{[8]
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- You can say things like, “I understand where you’re coming from,” and, “Could you tell me more?”

9

Speak up if your boyfriend crosses the line.

Tell him in the moment that what he did was not okay. If you’re in public, pull him aside and tell him quietly that what he did was wrong. If you’re in private, you can sit down and have a longer talk and remind him about your boundaries.^{[9]
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- It’s important to call things out in the moment so he understands what you’re not okay with.
- You could say something like, “Hey, that wasn’t cool. You can’t sexualize me like that.”

10

End the relationship if he doesn’t respect your boundaries.

If your boyfriend keeps crossing the line, he’s not a good partner. You deserve to feel safe and respected in your relationship, and your boyfriend can’t continue his behavior. If you’ve talked to him multiple times but he still does things that you’re uncomfortable with, break up with him as soon as possible.^{[10]
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- Breaking up might sound extreme, but it’s important to hold your ground and let him know that his behavior is not okay.

11

Get support from your friends and family.

Your support system might be able to give you some advice. Talk to a close friend or family member about what you’re going through to see if they can help you out. Since they know you well, they might be able to suggest how to talk to your boyfriend and get through to him about your boundaries.^{[11]
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- Ask your loved ones not to spread rumors or talk about your boyfriend behind his back. Otherwise, it could end up hurting your relationship in the long run.

Expert Q&A

Question

Is my boyfriend obsessed or in love?

Jessica Swenson
Community Psychologist & Licensed Clinical Therapist
Dr. Jessica Swenson is a Community Psychologist & Licensed Clinical Therapist and the Founder of Transformative Growth Counseling. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in relationships—both romantic and familial. She earned her PhD in Community Psychology from National Louis University and her MS in Clinical Psychology from Roosevelt University. She’s also a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional.

Jessica Swenson

Community Psychologist & Licensed Clinical Therapist

Expert Answer

Well, I think it kind of depends on in what way he is overly obsessed. Sometimes in new relationships, it can feel like someone has a higher sex drive or sexually obsessed with you. It could be a good conversation to have about. Try saying something like "Is there more in this relationship than just sex for you? What else do you see in this relationship for us? I'm concerned that this is sex phase for you."