How to Deal With a Stubborn Teenager

Last Updated: June 12, 2021 References

Parenting a teenager has been likened to emotional whiplash for good reason.^{[1]
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Research source} Studies have shown that parents of teens experience high levels of stress and declines in their mental health.^{[2]
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Research source}^{[3]
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Research source} But that doesn't mean parents of teens are helpless.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Communicating Effectively with Your Teen

1
Be empathetic and balanced. Put yourself in your teen's shoes, but don't ride their emotional roller rollercoaster.
- Always approach difficult situations by trying to understand how your teen is feeling. If you dismiss your teen's emotions, he or she may feel rejected.^{[4]
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- Empathy is good, but "enmeshment" isn't.^{[5]
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  Research source} Your teen needs you to be the voice of reason. Don't let your teen's emotions -- or yours -- keep you from thinking clearly and acting responsibly.
2
Avoid judgment. Your teen is experimenting with new experiences to discover his or her identity. Don't discourage that.You may not approve of your teen's new activities, clothes, or interests, but avoid criticizing them. Part of parenting a teen is "learning to let go." ^{[6]
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- By embracing your adolescent's experimentation you are embracing him or her as an independent adult.
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3
Express appreciation. When your teen is stubborn it's easy to forget all the good things he or she might be doing. Errors command attention, but positive acts can go unnoticed because they are either expected or approved. By expressing gratitude for positive actions, you can give your teen confidence and encourage more good behavior.^{[7]
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- If you mostly give your teen negative attention he or she may come to believe that he or she only makes mistakes. If you ignore his or her good actions, he or she might believe what they do doesn't matter. You want your teen to associate good actions with attention.
4
Stay available. It's common for children to talk less to their parents as they reach adolescence.^{[8]
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Research source} That doesn't mean conversation won't happen. It just means that you're not the one who will decide when it happens.
- Your teen might want to talk when it's unexpected or inconvenient. Don't put it off until later.^{[9]
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  Research source} It might be your only chance to address the issue, and you want your teen to know that you're always available when they want to talk.
5
Make your teen the teacher. If you want to connect with your teen but your interests differ, ask your teen to teach you about his or her new interests. Sharing common interests will make future arguments or discussions easier to resolve. ^{[10]
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- By casting your teen in the role of expert, he or she will feel respected and intelligent. This is key in developing healthy independence.
6
Provide family structure and family time. Even though your teen might want his or her independence, it's important to keep a structure in place that connects him or her to the family.
- Embrace your teen's friendships.^{[11]
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  Research source} Not only will you connect with your teen, but you will also learn who influences him or her. Include your teen's friends in family activities.
- Create family time. Routines like family dinners and trips will connect your teen to a functioning family unit.^{[12]
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  Research source} Keeping family close is healthy, and your child will most likely appreciate the support even if he or she doesn't show it.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Setting Ground Rules for Behavior

1
Clarify the rules. As your child grows and changes, so should the rules.^{[13]
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Research source} Most teens will expect that they deserve a greater degree of independence, and parents should accommodate that (within reason). Negotiating issues like "room rights" might be difficult, but it's worth it. ^{[14]
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- Don't leave your teen guessing. Your teen will be wondering whether he or she still has a curfew, still has to do chores, and the like. Make the new rules clear. Failing to discuss how the rules have changed will inevitably lead to conflict.
- Explain to your teen why the rules are what they are. Even if your teen doesn't agree, it's important that that he or she understands that the rules aren't arbitrary.
2
Wait and repeat. It can be frustrating when your teen ignores you, but don't get angry. Calmly repeat your requests until your teen complies.
- Don't confuse your teen's laziness or forgetfulness with an act of rebellion.^{[15]
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3
Practice patience. You probably won't get immediate results. But if you remain persistent and consistent, you're more likely to get the outcome you want.
- Try exercises like yoga or meditation, to help you relax.^{[16]
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  Research source} If you're patient and calm, your teen will be more likely to respond in the same way
4
Don't skip the tough stuff. When your child becomes a teen, it's time to discuss difficult issues likes drugs and sex. Don't put off these conversations because they're awkward.^{[17]
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- If you haven't already had "the talk" with your teen, it's time.^{[18]
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  Research source}Talk about sex as a natural part of life.^{[20]
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  Research source} Be honest and nonjudgmental.
- Studies show that teens who've discussed sex with their parents are more likely to be responsible in their activities.^{[21]
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  Research source} Be sure to include discussion of STIs, contraception, consent, and the emotional elements of sex, among others.^{[22]
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- Drugs and alcohol should be discussed with the same sensitivity as sex. Ask your teen his or her thoughts about drug and alcohol use. Let your teen know where you stand on the issue, and decide how you will answer questions about your own past or present use. Finally, be sure to address issues like peer pressure, health effects, and impaired driving.^{[23]
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  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Disciplining The Right Way

1
Ask questions. Instead of assuming why your teen broke the rules, ask questions like, “What were your reasons for doing that?”^{[24]
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Research source} Your teen will have to think through the situation and might end up understanding his or her error without your needing to explain it.
- It's okay for your teen to feel guilty.^{[25]
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  Research source} If your teen recognizes why what he or she did was wrong, the emotions that come with that realization may serve as a more effective punishment than one imposed by a parent.
2
Give short-term consequences. An appropriate punishment lasting several hours or several days, depending on the violation, can be very effective.
- Longer punishments often increase the chance that your teen will act out in response. But if your teen sees an end to the punishment, he or she will be more likely to accept it.
3
Be rational. Your teen should view your punishment as a reasonable response to his or her violation of the rules. If you let your emotions dictate the punishment, your teen is likely to see your punishment as arbitrary and cruel.
- Be an example for your teen. Teach your teen constructive ways to deal with conflict, so that he or she will have a constructive model for how to act in future relationships.
4
Be specific. When addressing your concerns, your choice of language can dramatically affect the conversation. ^{[26]
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- Pinpoint exactly why you're upset. Using general terms like “irresponsible" will make your teen feel attacked. Instead, outline the specific infraction.
5
Always follow through. If you lay down a punishment and end up not following through, your credibility will be damaged. ^{[27]
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Research source} Your teen may think they can get away with this behavior and start acting out even more.
6
Be consistent. After a long day, it might be tempting to let your teen get away with breaking a rule. However, if your teen feels that the rules are arbitrarily enforced, he or she is less likely to take them seriously. ^{[28]
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Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Seeking Help

1
Enlist other parents. Sometimes it takes a village to raise a child. Whenever possible, enlist the help of other parents. Since it can feel counterproductive when other families don't teach the same values, try talking to the parents that have contact with your teen to ensure that your rules will be enforced.
- For example, if your teen is watching a movie at his or her friend's house, call the parents beforehand and let them know what types of films your teen is allowed to watch.
- If you can't get other parents to comply, don't cave in on the core standards of behavior that you've set for your teen.
2
Encourage a mentor. Parents' advice is often discounted by teens, but the words of a teacher, coach, extended family member, or friend's parent, among others, might be taken more seriously. ^{[29]
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- Suggest that your teen stay after school and chat with his favorite teacher or coach. Allow your teen to spend time with a family member whom he or she trusts.
- Make sure you know and approve of the adults your teen spends time with.
3
Find counsel. If your teen's issues seem beyond your control, seek advice from a professional, such as a like a pediatrician or school counselor.
- These specialists may provide insight into what your teen is going through and give you the tools you need to help.