How to Deal with Taking a Break in a Relationship

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Last Updated: August 25, 2020 References

If you've decided to take a break in your relationship and are worried about how to deal with the time apart, there are lots of strategies to use to think about your relationship while focusing on yourself. It's important that you both have something you want to accomplish by taking a break, and that you are respectful of each other's space and privacy. Use this time to view your relationship from both perspectives. Give yourself some needed attention by exercising, spending time with friends and family, and enjoying hobbies and interests.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Managing Your Thoughts and Emotions

1
Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're feeling.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Whether your partner was the one to suggest a break, or you decided a break was needed in your relationship, both of you are likely to be feeling a range of emotions. Instead of trying to swallow or ignore these emotions, embrace them and know that it's okay to feel however you're feeling.^{[2]
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- Good ways to channel feelings of sadness or anger are to exercise, get creative through art or music, or talk to a trusted friend or family member.
- If you're confused as to why your partner decided a break was necessary, write out all of your questions or thoughts so that you can relay them to your partner later on.
2
Write out your feelings to help you make sense of them. Writing is a great way to organize your thoughts while releasing them onto paper. Use a piece of paper, a journal, or even a computer to write out how you're feeling about the break so that you can begin to process your emotions.^{[3]
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- For example, you might journal about your concerns about the break, reflections on your relationships, or emotions that you feel consumed by.
- You could even write a letter to your partner that you either give to them at some point or keep to yourself.
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3
Refocus your thoughts when you find yourself missing your partner. Whenever you feel yourself feeling sad or wishing you could talk to your partner, try to refocus your thoughts on yourself and the big picture. Remember that your relationship with yourself comes first, and think about the other important things in your life like family, hobbies, and personal goals.^{[4]
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- For example, when you notice yourself thinking, "I wish I was with Sam right now," instead try to spin this thought into, "I should use this time to reconnect with Rachel, visit my mom, or spend time painting."
4
Trust that everything will work out for the best. It's possible that the break will strengthen your relationship in the long run, as each of you recognize how thankful you are for each other. If you end up staying apart, this just means there's someone better for you out there, so trust that things will happen for a reason.^{[5]
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- Accepting that things will happen for the best will help release feelings of anger and sadness.

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Defining Expectations

1
Discuss the reason for the break together. If the break is amicable, it’s important that you and your partner have thought about why taking a break is necessary, as well as what you both hope to get out of it. Make sure the person who wanted the break explains their reasoning to the other person.^{[6]
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- If you both have different reasons for wanting to take a break, explain these reasons to your partner so they understand your thinking.
- You might tell them, "I'm hoping to focus on myself during the break so I can come back into the relationship more confident."
- If your partner wanted the break and you didn't, ask them for clarification as to why they think a break is necessary, as well as what would need to change in order for you to get back together.
2
Decide on a reasonable time frame. Taking a break for too long might end up hindering your relationship more than helping it. Try to stick to a time frame of roughly 2 weeks to a few months, with 6 months being more like a break up than just a break. Discuss this with your partner, coming to an agreement on when you’ll make a decision about your relationship.^{[7]
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- Think about the circumstances and what you hope to accomplish during the break. If you’ll be apart for the whole summer, you might decide to take a break for 3 months, while if you’re taking a break because things are moving too fast, you might stay apart for a few weeks.
- If the break wasn't your decision, still talk with the other person to determine a time frame that is reasonable and fair to both of you.
3
Set boundaries or rules for your time apart. Decide together how much or how little contact you’ll have with each other, as well as if you’ll be seeing other people or not. Be clear and honest about the boundaries you think are appropriate and will help each of you during the break. If the other person is the one asking for the break, respect the boundaries to give them their needed time apart.^{[8]
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- For example, decide if you’ll be allowed to call or text each other, and if so, how often.
- Decide if you’ll see each other in person or not during your break as well.
- If you have to see the other person due to class, work, or another situation, be respectful and give them space. A simple, "Hi, how are you?" is a good way to ease any tension if you speak to them.
4
Avoid checking in with each other too often. If you do decide you can talk to each other, it’s best to keep it at a minimum. This will help you reflect on your relationship and yourself without the distraction of your partner. Try your best to cut off communication to really take advantage of your time apart.^{[9]
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- You might make a rule where you only communicate with each other if it’s incredibly important or an emergency.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Examining Your Relationship

1
Reflect on the relationship by thinking about the positives and negatives.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} During the break, take time to deeply evaluate your relationship. While it may have been the negatives that caused you to take a break in the first place, think about the positives as well. Try to view your relationship from all angles instead of just focusing on what wasn’t working.^{[11]
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- Try making a pros and cons list for your relationship so you can easily see the positives and the negatives next to one another to compare them.
- Reflecting on your relationship should be done by yourself and not with your partner so that your thoughts aren't influenced by the other person's.
2
Look at your relationship from both perspectives. While you’re likely aware of your partner’s faults and strong points, try to think about your own as well. By acknowledging the ways in which you made the relationship better or worse, you’ll be able to address any issues during your break and work to make the relationship even better.^{[12]
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- Try to view the relationship from your partner’s eyes, thinking about the concerns they had. Maybe they felt unimportant because you were frequently busy or had more important obligations when they wanted to hang out.
- If your partner has flaws that are causing issues in your relationship, use this time to come up with a way to address the flaws in a respectful and helpful way.
- For example, if they didn't like to share how they were feeling with you, you might prepare to tell them something like, "I really want you to feel open to sharing your emotions with me, and I think it would make our relationship stronger."
3
Listen to your instincts and go with your gut. While you’re taking a break, if your gut tells you that your relationship just isn’t going to work out, listen to yourself and accept your feelings. Similarly, if you realize that you definitely want to be with your partner, act on your instincts and let your partner know either way.^{[13]
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- Be receptive to the other person's instincts and gut feelings too, remembering that they may be different from your own.
4
Be honest with your partner and tell them how you feel.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} During the break, you're likely to come to some conclusions about your relationship, as well as your feelings. Tell them exactly what you're feeling and thinking while encouraging your partner to do the same.^{[15]
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- While you should be as honest as possible, be respectful of their feelings.
- For example, if you realized that the relationship isn't going to work, you might say, "The time apart made me realize that, while you're a great friend, our relationship isn't going to progress in the way that I'd like it to."
- If you're feeling upset by the break and wish to get back together, you might tell them, "This break has made me appreciate you more, and I'd really like to give our relationship another shot."

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Focusing on Yourself

1
Exercise to help you get active and healthy. Not only is exercise a great distraction from the break in your relationship, it will make you feel more confident. Try picking an activity like swimming, running, biking, or walking to get your body moving.
- Exercise releases hormones that make you feel better, making it a great way to boost your mood and energy.
- Try an exercise class like Pilates, yoga, cycling, or boxing to be in a group atmosphere.
2
Spend time with family and friends. Reach out to your family and close friends, making plans to spend time doing things like visiting museums around town or grabbing coffee and chatting. Being with people that love you and exemplify positive relationships in your life will help give you perspective on your own relationship with your partner.^{[16]
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- Establishing a good balance between hanging out with your partner and hanging out with friends and family is important for a successful relationship.
- If you want to talk to a family member or friend about your relationship problems, you might say something like, "Can I ask you for some relationship advice? Jordan and I are on a break and I'm having mixed feelings about it."
3
Enjoy your hobbies and interests.^{[17]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} If you have something you love doing that you hadn’t been able to make time for during your relationship, this is a great time to explore it more deeply. Spend time painting, reading, playing sports, or practicing an instrument to take time for yourself and your interests.^{[18]
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- You might go fishing, fix up cars, go hiking, or do some arts and crafts.
- Brush up on a language you learned in school, or get to work on home improvement tasks you’ve been wanting to complete.
4
Try something new to help rediscover yourself. A break in a relationship is a great time to figure out who you are as a person. To do this, you might take up a new activity to see if you like it, learn a new hobby, travel to places you’ve never been, or learn about new topics.^{[19]
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- If you’ve always wanted to write a book, you might take this time to read more, practice your writing, and look at books designed to help you craft a novel.
- Take up a new activity or hobby like running, bowling, baking, or photography.
- Consider volunteering to make a difference in the community, or taking a class in a topic you’d like to learn more about.
- Give yourself a makeover by getting a haircut or altering your wardrobe.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I cheer myself up when taking a break in a relationship?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Spend some time doing your hobbies and pursuing your interests so you can feel good and have some fun.
Question

Does a break in a relationship work?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Yes, it can work. Talk to your partner about how you feel to help them understand where you're coming from. Then, listen to what they have to say. Additionally, spend some time during the break reflecting on your relationship.