How to Defend Your Choice to Be Childless

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: March 21, 2023 References

It can be difficult for your friends and relatives to understand why you have chosen not to have any children and for them to accept your decision. If you’re sick of being asked, "When are you going to give me grandkids?" or, "What are you guys waiting for?", be sure to set some good boundaries and communicate clearly. If you wish, list some reasons why you’re child-free and enjoy your lifestyle. And remember to get on the same page with your partner.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Giving Your Reasons

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Highlight what you enjoy about your lifestyle. Talk about why it’s nice to have flexibility and time in your schedule. While you may not have children, you do have time to pursue your goals and interests. For example, attending a 9 pm movie or weekend away is stress-free and painless.^{[1]
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- Say, “I know that not having children means I miss some things. But it also means I gain other things, and I really enjoy that.” You can also say to your brother, “Not having kids of my own means I can be a great Uncle to your kids.”
- It’s true you can’t ‘have it all,’ but you can take the best of what you have.
2
Focus on your relationships. Not having children means you can put more time and effort into your partnership and/or friendships. Instead of spending your time shuttling children to sports practice and school activities, you can deepen your other relationships and be more present in the lives of others.^{[2]
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- Say, “I love being available to babysit your kids and spend time with you and my other friends.”
- If you have a partner, say, “Not having children means that my spouse and I spend a lot of quality time together. We also have more intimate, adult conversations without worrying about our kids hearing them."
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3
Talk about the environment. Many people choose not to have children due to environmental reasons--they may not want to contribute to overpopulation. Every human being on the planet consumes resources and creates waste. However environmentally friendly people try to be, everyone uses resources that the world is running out of. We all have a carbon footprint, and one way to reduce your impact on the planet is to refrain from bringing another person into the world. ^{[3]
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Research source} Let your friends and family know that you care about the environment and don’t want to contribute to greater strain.^{[4]
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- For example, say, “Raising a child currently takes a big toll on the environment and drains resources. I know I use more than I’d like to, and adding a child in the mix doesn’t feel right to me.”
4
Explain that you don't see yourself as a parent. Unless there's a reason for you to consider having children, such as a romantic partner who really wants them, there's no reason for you to defend your decision at all. If you don't want kids, just say you don't want them. There’s no need to beat around the bush and if you are pushed on the subject, just walk away.
- For example, say, “I've just never wanted to have kids, so I'm not going to."

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Communicating in Healthy Ways

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End the conversation question firmly and gently. The reasons for your decision are your own. You should explain them only if you are comfortable and wish to divulge this information to your friends and family. If you don't want to explain, you are not required to do so. You have every right to your privacy and protecting it, even from nosy relatives. If you don’t want to talk about your choice not to have kids, don’t.^{[5]
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- If someone asks you about having kids, simply say, “That’s not something I want to talk about right now.”
- If you’re not comfortable, say, “I’m sorry, I’m just not comfortable discussing that with you at this time.”
- If you’re coupled, say, ‘Thanks for asking. My partner and I keep that part of our relationship private.”
2
Create healthy emotional boundaries. It’s fair if your parents want grandchildren, but it shouldn’t be your responsibility. If your family (or friends) tend to meddle or get more involved than you feel comfortable, set a boundary. Some parents use their children to fulfill their own wishes, but that’s unfair to you and an indication that you’re in an enmeshed relationship. If your friends or family push you to talk about your choice or try to push you into having kids, set down a firm boundary.^{[6]
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- For example, say, “We’ve talked about this before and nothing has changed. Please don’t bring this up again.”
- You can also say, “Please respect my choices as my own. I’m sure you have your own opinion, but I make my own choices.”
- Set a consequence when you set a boundary. For instance, you can say, "I'm sorry, but if you bring this up again I'm going to leave the room."
3
Use humor. At some point, the questions and prodding from others may get old and tiresome. If you’re sick of feeling like you have to explain your decisions, be humorous in your response. If you respond in a light-hearted way, it might help to diffuse any conflict and not trigger strong emotions.^{[7]
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- For example, say, “I’m working on growing my family of dogs! This is your grand puppy.”
4
Hear them out. Some people may be invested in you having children, like your parents or grandparents. Even if your mind is set on not having kids, hear them out. Despite your own choices, other people may have their own reactions and want to process them. Hear them out and realize that the way they feel is valid.^{[8]
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- If a family member consistently brings up children or nags you about it, say, “I heard you the first time. I know you’re disappointed, but please stop pressuring me to have kids. It is my decision, not yours."
5
Allow them their feelings of disappointment or grief. The truth is that people are naturally expected to have children, especially from their parents and other relatives. While that does not mean your decision not to is wrong, it is important to understand that your family has dreamed of holding your children since you were a child yourself. While you are entitled to live as you see fit, your decision will likely affect the way that they feel. Acknowledging and leaving space for your family's feelings is a healthy and natural way to allow them to achieve closure.
- Allow your family to grieve for their loss without getting impatient (yes, it is authentic grief, a loss to them of a kind). You're not the only member of your family; if you value your relationship with them, you must allow them their authentic sorrow.
- The fact that they will be sad should not make you feel that you should become a parent if that is not what you want for your life.
- Respond with empathy and remind people to focus on the bright side. Say something like "I understand how disappointed you are because I know that many people have children. Just think--we already have lots of family! We have great moms, dads, siblings, cousins, even pets (whatever you have). We are a strong family. We just do not have children!"

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Speaking with Your Partner

1
Have a conversation with your partner. If you are considering a long-term, committed relationship, one of the things you will have to confront is the question, "Do we want children?" If you two cannot agree on this point, you may not be compatible.
- Be honest. If you do not desire a child, but your partner does, it is best to know this before investing years in a relationship that might end because of this conflict.
- This conversation must have "only two people in the room". That means the wishes, opinions, and dreams of your relatives must not factor in. If your significant other says something like, "But I don't want to disappoint my mother..." politely remind them that this is between the two of you, not anyone else.
2
Provide support for each other. Let your partner stand up for you. If you get hounded by friends or family for not having a child, let your partner speak up for you. If the topic is a sensitive one, ask them to answer for you. If someone is pestering you with questions, let your partner speak up or jump in with a response, and if they need support, do the same for your partner.
- For example, you can say, “I’ll let my partner answer this question” or you can say to your partner, “Can you answer this question?”
3
Get on the same page with your partner. If you don't want to continue answering the same questions for the next 25+ years, you must stand firm to your choice. If you are in a relationship or marriage, tell your partner to take the same kind yet firm position when speaking about children. Being squishy and avoiding a direct answer will only give your relatives hope that you will recant one day.
- Have a discussion with your partner about how to respond when people ask about children. Discuss having a standard response back, such as, “We’re choosing not to have children. We’ll let you know if we change our minds.”