15 Red Flags of a Toxic Friend

Watch out for these red flags that your "friend" doesn't have your best interests in mind

Co-authored by Tracy Carver, PhD and Ali Garbacz

Last Updated: March 26, 2023 References

The tricky thing about friends is that we often just feel so much affection and love for them that we can sometimes be blind to their more harmful and toxic behaviors. Nobody’s perfect, but that doesn’t mean a person’s hurtful words and actions should go ignored, even if they are one of your closest friends. We've made a comprehensive list of all the red-flag behaviors you could potentially run into with friends. Read on to recognize these behaviors and take action to put a stop to them if they’re negatively impacting your relationship.

Things You Should Know

Friendship red flags include:

When a friend insults you, belittles you, or downplays your achievements
A friend making everything all about themself and only coming to you when they need a favor
Being overly jealous of your achievement and other friendships
When your friend doesn’t respect your boundaries or shares your personal information and secrets with others

1

They intentionally say things to hurt your feelings.

They might insult you but try to play it off as concern or a joke. One of the largest red flags in a friendship is when someone purposefully pokes fun at your insecurities or just outright insults you. They may tack on a “No offense” or “Just kidding” at the end to try and soften the blow, but their words might really hurt sometimes.^{[1]
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- To deal with a friend who constantly puts you down, either defuse the insult by ignoring it and remaining calm or sit down with your friend and ask them to stop.
- Tell them honestly how their comments make you feel, Use “I” statements when you talk, such as “I feel like you don’t really realize how much your words hurt me.”

2

They’re always trying to one-up you.

They might try to make their achievements appear more impressive. Whenever you mention one of your achievements, they might be quick to steamroll right over you and mention something they did. This can be super frustrating, especially if you have something you’re really proud of that you want to share.^{[2]
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- Or, instead of offering you advice and comfort when you come to them with a problem, they might say something like, “Oh, that’s nothing compared to what happened to me.”
- Even though they may be trying to make everything a competition, don’t give in to the urge to compete with them. Focus on your own achievements and be proud of yourself, even if they make it seem like they did better.

3

They're not excited about your achievements.

They’re often slow to compliment you if at all. Whenever you share good news with them, they either don’t acknowledge it right away or just don’t say anything at all and change the topic. A true friend wouldn’t let their jealousy get the better of them and would celebrate your wins with you no matter how big or small.^{[3]
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- Saying something like “I thought you would be happier for me” is one way you can call out their behavior.

4

They say condescending things.

They might view belittle you or try to make you feel childish. Saying things like “You’re so dumb” or “Wow, you’re this old and you still do that?” are all ways that this “friend” might belittle you, causing you to feel less confident in yourself and your abilities. It can be really hard to be with a friend who you feel is constantly putting you down.^{[4]
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- The best way to deal with a condescending friend is to have a conversation with them about their behavior.
- One way to start the conversation would be to make observations about their recent behavior, such as “You seem really critical of me lately.”

5

They leave you out of things.

They may not invite you to events and ignore you for other people. They may even completely change how they behave when they’re around other friends. Brushing you off to the side when someone better comes around is a huge red flag. We want our friends to value us as much as we value them.^{[5]
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- If you notice your friend starting to ignore you, confronting them and dealing with the situation directly can help you figure out what’s wrong. They may not be ignoring you on purpose, so asking them what’s going on can help diffuse some tension.

6

They have shared your secrets with others.

They might betray you or gossip behind your back. Good friendships are built on trust and respect for each other’s privacy. If you don’t feel like you can trust this friend, or if they’ve already broken your trust by spilling your secrets to others, it might be a sign that they’re not as good of a friend as you might have thought.^{[6]
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- A similar red flag is that they only want to gossip about other people when you’re together. If they can’t keep other people’s secrets, it’s unlikely they’ll be able to keep yours as well.
- Confront them directly and tell them to stop. Just because they’re your friend doesn’t give them a free pass to go and spill your secrets.

7

You feel like they don’t put effort into your friendship.

You’re usually the one to make plans and reach out to them. You’re often always the first one to text, the first one to suggest plans for the weekend, and the first to check in on them. They might also cancel plans often, or flake on you when you most need them. This can be really frustrating, and you might be wondering if they even want to be your friend.
- It might also be that the only times they reach out first is when they need something from you. Only contacting you when they have a favor to ask is another big red flag.^{[7]
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- Call them out on their behavior if it becomes a problem. Saying something along the lines of “I’ve noticed you haven’t really wanted to hang out recently. Did something happen?” is a good opener to having this kind of discussion.

8

They always make the conversation about them.

They usually fish for compliments and talk only about themselves. If you’ve been talking to your friend for an hour, and they still have yet to ask you how you’re doing, this is a red flag. You probably also have some really fun things to share, but that can be hard when you feel like you don’t even get the chance to talk.
- This kind of behavior can also show up when you do activities together. You might always end up doing what your friend wants, and they may not even ask for your input before making a decision.
- Don’t be afraid to interject if you notice the conversation is becoming one-sided.
- Another possible solution would be to set a time limit for how long each of you can talk, or take turns deciding what activity you’re going to do.

9

They rarely apologize.

They usually can’t admit when they’re wrong and won’t say sorry. Instead, they might just buy you a meal or make a vague promise not to do whatever upset you again. Or, they may not even realize that they’ve hurt or upset you. This can be very frustrating, especially if you both know they were in the wrong, but they just won’t admit it.^{[8]
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- While it may be hard, sometimes the best thing to do is to forgive your friend’s actions and accept the situation.^{[9]
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- While it can be frustrating, it can be unhealthy to hold onto any anger you might feel towards this friend, even if they were the one in the wrong.
- If this friend continues to not change their behavior, this might be a sign telling you to put some distance between you two or cut ties with them altogether.

10

They're jealous of your other friends.

They sometimes make you feel guilty for hanging out with others. Saying things like “You’re abandoning me” to make you feel guilty about spending time with other people is a huge red flag. You’re allowed to have other friends and relationships, and a good friend wouldn’t try to guilt you into spending time with them.^{[10]
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- To deal with a jealous friend, first make an effort to understand where this jealousy may be coming from. Ask them things like “Is there something I did to make you feel this way?” to help you understand them better.
- Sometimes the root of their behavior may not have anything to do with you, so actively listen to what they have to say and respond thoughtfully, such as saying something like “I can see how what I did could upset you.”

11

You feel like they’re constantly judging you.

You may not feel like you can truly be yourself around them. It might be that they’ve made judgemental remarks before, or maybe they just give off the general impression that they disapprove of your choices. Just know that you shouldn’t ever feel anxious around your friends and should feel like you can just be yourself.
- You might also feel like you constantly have to prove yourself to them and seek their approval. If you find yourself changing just so that they’ll accept you, it might be time to take a step back and reevaluate your friendship.
- Taking steps to love yourself can help to relieve some of this anxiety. If you’re comfortable and confident with yourself, your friend’s judgment probably won’t mean much to you.

12

They don't respect your boundaries.

They might put you in uncomfortable situations even when you say no. Peer pressuring you into doing things like drugs or drinking alcohol is a clear sign of a toxic friend. But even if the situation isn’t as serious, a friend who doesn’t show any sympathy or concern when it comes to your comfort is probably not the type of person you’d want to be around.
- Peer pressure can be both positive and negative. There’s a difference between a friend encouraging you to try something new and helping you step out of your comfort zone, and a person who pressures you into doing something without any concern about how you actually feel.
- To say no to this kind of peer pressure, be firm when you tell them you don’t want to participate.
- If they keep questioning you, be honest with your reasons for not going, such as “Sorry, but I know people are going to be drinking, and that makes me uncomfortable. So I won’t be going.”

13

They make you think that you’re the one at fault.

They may use gaslighting to make you feel like you’re at fault. Gaslighting is what a person does to make someone else question what they know and make them doubt their own memory of some event. They might ask things like “Are you sure that’s what happened?” or “Don’t you think you’re being a bit too harsh?” to make you doubt yourself and feel guilty.
- Gaslighting is a sign of an abusive friendship. If you’ve noticed this happening a lot, don’t hesitate to put some distance between the two of you or stop contacting them altogether to try and get out of such a relationship.^{[11]
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14

There’s always drama.

They might complain a lot and just generally bring a lot of negativity. They may pick fights over small things, or they might even make up rumors to get others fired up. It can be exhausting trying to deal with this kind of behavior all the time, and it’s perfectly understandable if you find yourself wanting to take a break from them for a bit.^{[12]
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- Suggest some lighter topics you two can talk about if you want to take a break from all of the drama. Talk about something funny that happened, your plans for the weekend, or something that’ll keep the conversation fun and a bit more positive.

15

You feel drained after spending time with them.

Hanging out with them may be more exhausting than enjoyable. How you feel after spending time with someone is a big indicator of the type of relationship you have. If you’re feeling mentally drained, frustrated, dissatisfied, or even anxious, these are all signs that your friendship may not be the best it could be.^{[13]
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- A good friendship leaves you feeling happy and excited to see the other person again.
- There’s nothing wrong with taking a break from seeing a friend. If being with them is taking a toll on you, take a few days or weeks to recharge yourself before you hang out with them again.