What a Gaslighter Can Say to Manipulate You

The most common gaslighting phrases and how to shut them down

Does someone have you second-guessing yourself even when you know you’re right? If so, they may be gaslighting you. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and can occur in any relationship. But deciphering if you’re being gaslighted can be tricky, so we’ve put together a list of the most common gaslighting phrases to help. Plus, we’ll let you know how you can respond to shut down their tactics.

This article is based on an interview with our clinical psychologist, Lena Dicken. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • Gaslighting phrases will make you question your reality and doubt yourself, so it’s easier for the gaslighter to manipulate and control you.
  • A gaslighter will make you feel small and insignificant by countering your words with “You’re overreacting” or “It’s not a big deal.”
  • Respond to a gaslighter by ignoring them, standing up for yourself, or reminding yourself what you excel at.
1

“That’s not what happened.”

  1. Image titled Gaslighting Phrases Step 1
    A gaslighter will try to make you question your reality. Gaslighting is a cruel (and fun!) game of manipulation, and in order to have control, they'll try to make you question what you know to be true. They need you to believe solely in what they say for things to go their way.[1]
    • How to respond: Stick to what you know is true, and try not to believe what they say. When they push back, reply firmly with phrases like, “I was there” and “I know what happened.”[2] Try talking to a friend or trusted loved one to gain an outsider’s perspective.
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2

“You’re overreacting.”

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    Gaslighters can make you think your feelings are invalid. It’s their way of the highway, so they’ll do whatever they can to manipulate you. They want to discredit your emotions, so they’ll try to make you believe that your feelings are unreasonable.
    • How to respond: Establish boundaries about how you should both approach a disagreement. For instance, use “I statements” to express what you need to communicate efficiently, and ask them what they need in return: "I need to be able to express my feelings, so I'd love for you to respect that. What do you need from me?"
3

“You’re crazy.”

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    You may second-guess your sanity with a gaslighter. They want you to feel confused and unsure of yourself because it gives them more power in the relationship. Words like “crazy,” “insane,” and “delusional” are often used to make you question your reality.
    • How to respond: Stay firm and rational by saying, “I know what I saw, and I know I’m not crazy. Going forward, I'd love it if we could both avoid name calling.”[3] This not only validates your reactions, but also helps them realize that they can’t control you.
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4

“You’re so sensitive.”

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    A gaslighter could try to use your emotions against you. There’s nothing wrong with being emotional or empathetic, but a gaslighter may try to turn your sensitivity into a weakness. If you cry in an argument or say, “I’m upset about this,” they’ll most likely claim you’re “too soft” for your own good.[4]
    • How to respond: Acknowledge and know that it’s perfectly okay to have emotions. Explain this to them clearly, or remind yourself if you need to: “Yes, I have strong emotions, and that’s part of being human.”[5]
5

“Stop exaggerating.”

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    A gaslighter wants you to think you’re blowing things out of proportion. If someone is gaslighting you, they’ll say things to make you doubt yourself.[6] Words like “exaggerating,” “overacting,” and “overthinking” can be used to plant a seed of doubt.
    • How to respond: Gain control of your emotions and the situation by stepping back and saying, “I need some space to sort through my thoughts and make sure I’m not exaggerating. Can we revisit this when we’ve both cooled down?” This gives you a chance to regroup and plan what you want to say next.
    • Keep in mind that gaslighting tactics work far better on people in heightened emotional states rather than calm states.
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6

“It was only a joke!”

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    To so many gaslighters, harmful words are considered "jokes." If a gaslighter says something hurtful towards you, they may say this common phrase when they notice you getting upset. They’ll turn the blame onto you, making you believe you can’t take a “harmless” joke.[7]
    • How to respond: Explain to them that you don’t appreciate the “jokes” they’re making and that they make you uncomfortable: "You may see it that way, but I find it insulting. And I know you don't want me to feel that way, so I'd love for you to be more sensitive going forward." If they continue to discredit your feelings even after you’ve made them know, it may be time to move on.
7

“So, you’re accusing me?”

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    Changing the subject and shirking responsibility are gaslighters' go-to moves. Even the smallest accusation can set a gaslighter off. In their minds, they’re never in the wrong, and they’ll get defensive if anyone says they are. Instead of having to feel guilty themselves, they'd much rather you feel bad for questioning them.[8]
    • How to respond: Take a deep breath and firmly explain your reasoning using “I statements:" “No, I think we both need to work on things,” or “Yes, I believe you could’ve done things differently.”
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8

“This is your fault.”

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    Gaslighters may shift the blame onto you. A gaslighter will never say you’re right (even if you are), especially if it doesn’t benefit their agenda. They may pin an argument or upsetting situation on you just to make you feel worse about yourself.[9]
    • How to respond: Try to keep a level head and redirect the conversation back by saying something along the lines of, “I hope we can work on this together without blaming one another.”[10]
9

“Let’s forgive and forget.”

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    If something doesn’t fit a gaslighter's narrative, they aren't interested. A gaslighter may suddenly switch gears during an argument to divert your attention.[11] They’ll probably raise their hands and say this phrase with the hopes that you’ll move on, especially if they're starting to feel found out.
    • How to respond: Keep in mind that you’re under no obligation to listen to them. If you’re not ready to end the conversation or “forget,” let them know that by saying, “Before we end this conversation, I have to get something straight…”[12]
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10

“You’re not perfect, either.”

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    A gaslighter may try to drag you down to their level. When you’re arguing, they’ll turn everything you say against them back onto you.[13] They may twist your words and claim that you want them to be perfect and argue that you’re not an angel either.
    • How to respond: Come back with a gentle but firm explanation like, “I don’t claim to be perfect. I'm just asking you to listen to me.” This is a great way to show them that they can’t control you.
11

“It’s not a big deal.”

  1. Image titled Gaslighting Phrases Step 11
    They might minimize the situation, so you feel like you’re overreacting. A gaslighter will make something big or important to you seem insignificant, in an attempt to make you feel small. This is their way of gaining power and control, as you’ll start to question your own rationale.[14]
    • How to respond: Know that you have a right to talk about things that are bothering you.[15] Calmly explain to them why you think it is a “big deal” by expressing your emotions and thoughts openly.
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12

“I was trying to help you.”

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    Gaslighters may fake heroism to get your sympathy. At the end of the day, a gaslighter wants attention. They may sway your focus, sympathy, and love by making you think they only do things to serve you. With this, they can avoid responsibility for their actions, because they can claim it was as an act of love or friendship.[16]
    • How to respond: Briefly acknowledge what they’ve said but steer things back on topic by starting your sentence with, “That may be, but…”[17] For instance, you may say, “That may be, but I wanted to make that decision myself.”
13

“Why can’t you be more like __?”

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    Gaslighters know that when you feel insecure, you're easier to control. This is a diversion tactic used to keep you from thinking about their manipulation. They may also be hoping that you'll get upset, so they can claim you're overreating.[18]
    • How to respond: First, avoid comparing yourself to others—you’re fantastic, and it’s their problem if they want to make you question that! Then, firmly explain why their comment is unfair: "I'm not perfect, but I'm doing my best here, and it sort of feels like you're trying to make me feel bad about myself."
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14

“You’re always right, aren’t you?”

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    A gaslighter aims to make you feel like you’re the problem.[19] Even the slightest critique or comment can send a gaslighter over the edge. They most likely want you to believe that it’s your way or the highway, even though in reality, you know that it's usually their way or the highway.
    • How to respond: Stay on topic when talking to a gaslighter. Redirect the conversation back to the main topic, and try to avoid acknowledging how they try to dismiss you.[20] You might say something like, “No, I'm not. But in this case, I know what I saw.”
15

“This is why you don’t have friends.”

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    When a gaslight is desperate, they'll use your insecurities against you. A gaslighter will continue to knock you down, so they look better about themselves and you feel worse about yourself. This is their way of getting inside your head. If no one else values you, at least they do, right?[21]
    • How to respond: Remind yourself of all your amazing qualities and strengths—you're amazing.[22] In fact, you're so amazing that you deserve to surround yourself with people who build you up, not break you down. Let the gaslighter know that this behavior is unacceptable: "I'm not okay with you purposefully trying to make me feel bad. I won't accept this in the future."
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16

“Who do you think they’ll believe?”

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    A gaslighter might try to back you into a corner when threatened. If you stand up to a gaslighter, they’ll do whatever they can to silence you. Perhaps you threaten to tell someone what they’re doing to you. They’ll use their power and social hierarchy to make you feel like you can’t seek help.[23]
    • How to respond: Stay firm in your beliefs with the phrases, “I know what I saw. I know what I heard. I know what happened.” And know that if your close connect is trying to isolate or manipulate you, that is 100% not okay. [24] Reach out to a loved one for support.
17

“You made me do it.”

  1. Image titled Gaslighting Phrases Step 17
    If they can, a gaslighter pin bad behavior onto you. No matter what a gaslighter does, they'll say you're the one in the wrong. They do this to make you second-guess yourself and reevaluate your decisions, all while justifying their own negative behavior.[25]
    • How to respond: Understand that you’re not in the wrong, and try to explain the situation from your perspective. You haven’t forced them to do anything, and at this point, it may be time to walk away. "We're both adults, and I haven't forced you to do anything."
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Expert Q&A

  • Question
    How do you leave a partner who's gaslighting you?
    Fernando Campos
    Fernando Campos
    Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
    Fernando Campos is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the Founder of Avant-Garde Therapy in Davie, Florida. Fernando has over 11 years of experience and offers telehealth, individual therapy, couples counseling, teen therapy, and family therapy programs. He has worked as a community educator on the topics of intimate partner abuse and trauma, anger management, family engagement, and counseling within alternative education. He is trained in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), Solution Focused Therapy, and BSFT (brief strategic family therapy). Fernando holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Nova Southeastern University.
    Fernando Campos
    Fernando Campos
    Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
    Expert Answer
    Self-care is extremely important—make sure that your needs and feelings are being taken care of. That can involve getting therapy for yourself, having a plan of action for yourself, and building a support system. Whenever you plan on leaving a partner, it's really important to have people that you can trust by your side (whether it's loved ones or a mental health professional) to make that separation stick.
  • Question
    How do you expose a gaslighter?
    Fernando Campos
    Fernando Campos
    Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
    Fernando Campos is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the Founder of Avant-Garde Therapy in Davie, Florida. Fernando has over 11 years of experience and offers telehealth, individual therapy, couples counseling, teen therapy, and family therapy programs. He has worked as a community educator on the topics of intimate partner abuse and trauma, anger management, family engagement, and counseling within alternative education. He is trained in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), Solution Focused Therapy, and BSFT (brief strategic family therapy). Fernando holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Nova Southeastern University.
    Fernando Campos
    Fernando Campos
    Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
    Expert Answer
    Exposing a gaslighter is an extremely challenging thing to do—not because of the facts and evidence, but because of the human body's ability to maintain a negative mindset. Trying to expose a gaslighter often results in higher levels of conflict that don't actually resolve anyone's needs (including the person trying to do the exposing). It's better to discuss these challenges in a healthier space like therapy or couples' counseling.
  • Question
    How do you know for sure if someone is gaslighting you?
    Fernando Campos
    Fernando Campos
    Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
    Fernando Campos is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the Founder of Avant-Garde Therapy in Davie, Florida. Fernando has over 11 years of experience and offers telehealth, individual therapy, couples counseling, teen therapy, and family therapy programs. He has worked as a community educator on the topics of intimate partner abuse and trauma, anger management, family engagement, and counseling within alternative education. He is trained in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), Solution Focused Therapy, and BSFT (brief strategic family therapy). Fernando holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Nova Southeastern University.
    Fernando Campos
    Fernando Campos
    Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
    Expert Answer
    Check in with how you're feeling emotionally first. If you're in a heightened emotional state, separate yourself for some time to bring yourself back to a state of emotional neutrality. Gaslighting tactics work far better on people in heightened emotional states rather than calm ones. Before you ask yourself if you're being gaslit, see how emotionally riled up you're feeling on a scale of 1 to 10. If you're anything above a 4, give yourself some time to calm down before diving into that question.
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Expert Interview

Thanks for reading our article! If you'd like to learn more about gaslighting, check out our in-depth interview with Fernando Campos.

References

  1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting
  2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/202106/5-go-tactics-gaslighters-and-how-resist-them
  3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/202211/the-top-5-gaslighting-phrases-struggling-adult-children
  4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/202106/5-go-tactics-gaslighters-and-how-resist-them
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/202211/the-top-5-gaslighting-phrases-struggling-adult-children
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting
  7. ↑ https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-42460315
  8. ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/is-someone-gaslighting-you.html
  9. ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/is-someone-gaslighting-you.html
  1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/202211/the-top-5-gaslighting-phrases-struggling-adult-children
  2. ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/gaslighting
  3. ↑ https://youtu.be/u3ykcBt89_Y?t=303
  4. ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/is-someone-gaslighting-you.html
  5. ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/is-someone-gaslighting-you.html
  6. ↑ https://youtu.be/y3t-Jvrr2OY?t=237
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/202106/5-go-tactics-gaslighters-and-how-resist-them
  8. ↑ https://youtu.be/fer2eZJfuiU?t=95
  9. ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/gaslighting
  10. ↑ https://www.asanet.org/sites/default/files/attach/journals/oct19asrfeature.pdf
  11. ↑ https://youtu.be/fer2eZJfuiU?t=61
  12. ↑ https://www.asanet.org/sites/default/files/attach/journals/oct19asrfeature.pdf
  13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/202106/5-go-tactics-gaslighters-and-how-resist-them
  14. ↑ https://www.asanet.org/sites/default/files/attach/journals/oct19asrfeature.pdf
  15. ↑ https://youtu.be/u3ykcBt89_Y?t=32
  16. ↑ https://youtu.be/y3t-Jvrr2OY?t=161
  17. ↑ https://youtu.be/y3t-Jvrr2OY?t=69

About This Article

Fernando Campos
Written by:
Fernando Campos
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
This article was written by Fernando Campos and by wikiHow staff writer, Aly Rusciano. Fernando Campos is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the Founder of Avant-Garde Therapy in Davie, Florida. Fernando has over 11 years of experience and offers telehealth, individual therapy, couples counseling, teen therapy, and family therapy programs. He has worked as a community educator on the topics of intimate partner abuse and trauma, anger management, family engagement, and counseling within alternative education. He is trained in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), Solution Focused Therapy, and BSFT (brief strategic family therapy). Fernando holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Nova Southeastern University. This article has been viewed 6,029 times.
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Co-authors: 4
Updated: January 19, 2023
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Categories: Relationship Issues
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