How to Get Over an Ex You're in Love With

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: December 7, 2021 References

Getting over any breakup is tough, but you might find it particularly challenging if you still love your ex. Don’t worry—we’re here to help you get through this. Keep reading for plenty of tips on how to get distance from your ex, stay busy, and make peace with everything that’s happened. Here are 16 ideas to help you start healing.

1

Stop calling, texting, and emailing.

You need space from your ex to get over them, so establish a “no contact” rule. You’re not doing this to create tension or make the person miss you—you’re doing it to give yourself the opportunity to heal and start fresh without them.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- If cutting contact with your ex is too difficult, get accountability and ask friends to help you stay away. You might also temporarily move your ex’s phone number and email addresses to your block list. You can always unblock them once you’re in a better place.
- If you share kids or pets or study/work in the same place as your ex, it may not be possible to totally cut contact. In this case, limit contact to discussions relating to the immediate context only, such as discussing a work project.
- If your ex wants to stay in touch with you, ask them to respect your desire to cut off contact for a while. If they continue to contact you, consider changing your phone number and email address.

2

Unfollow them on social media until the feelings fade.

Checking your ex’s feed or seeing them with new people won’t help you move on. Stop following them so you can focus on yourself for a while. This also helps you avoid the temptation of reaching out to your ex.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- You can always re-follow them later.
- If your mutual friends bring up your ex on social media a lot, consider unfollowing them as well. If your social circles overlap too much, it might help to take a break from social media altogether.

3

Stay away from the places they usually frequent.

Bumping into your ex can cause a setback in your healing. Try to establish new hangouts that aren’t places they go or places you used to visit together.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- If you do happen to run into your ex, keep the interaction brief. A curt “hi” before ducking out is appropriate.

4

Return, store, or trash relationship memorabilia.

This keeps you from ruminating about the breakup or the “happier times.” Get rid of gifts, personal items, and miscellaneous things that make you think of your ex. Mail anything you think they may want back, box away mementos that you’d like to keep, and donate or trash the rest.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- Removing reminders not only helps you get distance from your ex, but it’s also a symbolic way to start fresh with new things and new memories.

5

Move to a new location if possible.

Switching locations can save you from the distress of bumping into your ex. Even if moving to a completely new location is not feasible for you, you might be able to find a place that is farther away in the same town.
- If you run into your ex at work all the time, consider searching for a new job or asking for a transfer to another location.

6

Rekindle your old interests.

An interesting class, an exciting hobby, or a motivating goal can all help you reignite the passion in your life. Think of parts of yourself that were dormant in the relationship and let them come out into the sunshine.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- For example, if your ex thought your dream of traveling the world was crazy, get started planning that trip you put off. If your ex suggested most of the clothes you wore, build a brand new wardrobe.

7

Shake up your routine.

Trying something new can help take your mind off your ex. Plus, it helps you make new friends and learn new things about yourself. Look for new activities that you find fun, exciting, personally fulfilling, or all of the above. For example, you might try:
- Joining a community organization
- Volunteering for a cause you care about
- Joining a recreational sports team
- Learning a new language
- Participating in a book club or gaming club

8

Hang out with friends and family.

Take advantage of your support network to help you get over your ex. Fill your social calendar with exciting activities, like a night out with your best buds or a fun getaway with your family.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- If you need to vent, tell the people you care about what you’re feeling and offer ways they can help. For instance, you might say, “I could really use a hug right now.”
- While it can be healthy to vent a bit and get your feelings off your chest, resist the urge to talk about your ex all the time, or to ask people if they know what your ex is up to. Ask your family and friends to gently redirect the conversation if you end up dwelling on your ex too much.

9

Practice self-care.

Create a new routine that emphasizes you taking care of and loving yourself. Establish a new reading or writing habit, do relaxation exercises to ease stress, or join a new gym.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- Relationships are really demanding of your time and energy. Use this time to focus on yourself—without feeling guilty.

10

Date someone new when you’re ready.

Change your expectations when you hit the dating scene again. You may tell yourself “I’ll never find anyone like my ex,” but how would you know if you never get back out there? Initially, take the pressure off yourself of finding “the one” and simply focus on meeting new and interesting people.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- Dating someone else can help you feel attractive and wanted, some things you may have struggled with after the breakup.
- While casual dating can be fun, be sure not to use it as a bandage for your pain. Only start back dating when you have gotten some degree of closure about the breakup.
- Before you start dating someone new, take time to assess your own expectations for a relationship and think about what you need from a partner.

11

Let yourself feel your feelings instead of numbing them.

Pushing the pain away won’t help in the long run. Things like junk food, excessive shopping, alcohol, or drugs may be quick fixes, but they’ll only set you back further.^{[9]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Instead of engaging in destructive habits to cope with your feelings, do constructive things, like exercising, eating well, and leaning on friends.

12

Give yourself room to grieve.

Bottling up your feelings can prevent you from moving forward. Try shouting, crying tears of frustration, or any other form of expression when you're overloaded with emotion. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes along. Try not to judge yourself.^{[10]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Set a deadline to allow yourself time to grieve the relationship properly. This could be 2 days, 2 weeks, or 2 months; just permit yourself to not be okay for a while. During this time, you might feel anger, confusion, or even relief.
- Once your grief period has elapsed, try your best to re-engage with your life and the world, even if that’s just going to a friend’s house for an afternoon.

13

Stop playing into fantasies about your ex.

List their bad traits as well as any reasons why the breakup needed to happen. Doing this helps break the mirage that you lost the greatest person ever. It also helps you to maintain some objectivity moving forward.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- Make a list of the “bad side” to your ex, so you don't only focus on the good. For example, you might list hardships you went through together, such as if they cheated, lied, or failed to support you.

14

Send love and light whenever you think of them.

There’s no need to hold onto negativity. You can’t just erase someone you cared about deeply, so don’t assume the love for your ex will just disappear. Instead of getting mad at yourself for still caring, channel those feelings positively. Send well wishes to your ex whenever they cross your mind.^{[12]
X
Research source}
- For example, if you are overcome by memories of your ex, you might say aloud, “I wish him/her a healthy, happy life.” Breathe in deeply, exhale, and continue with your day.
- Don’t beat yourself up if you still love the person long after the breakup. That’s okay, but that doesn’t mean you should have stayed in a relationship that didn’t work.

15

Write a letter to your ex for closure.

You don’t have to send it if you don’t want to. Feel free to go into vivid detail about what led up to the breakup, how you felt, and anything you want to get off your chest. Try to identify the role you played and strive to be forgiving of your ex for their part in things, too.^{[13]
X
Research source}
- You can mail the finished letter if you want, but you can also set it on fire or tear it to shreds.
- Making peace with what happened in your relationship can help you move forward. Acceptance can also help you learn important lessons that you won’t have to repeat in the future.

16

Be patient.

It takes time to move on, so try not to be hard on yourself. Simply take things a day at a time. With time, your feelings will start to lessen and you’ll feel more positive and hopeful about the future.^{[14]
X
Research source}