How to Get a Girl

Co-authored by Louie Felix

Last Updated: November 15, 2022 References

It’s not easy to start a relationship. With countless different dating apps and an overload of romantic novels and subsequent film adaptations, it’s tough not to get bogged down by the wide divide between expectations and reality in modern romance. While it’s certainly daunting, there are still many ways to prove real, honest interest in a potential match.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Becoming Friends

1
Be honest about your interest. There are many fish in the sea, as they say, which means that there are many potential mates for any person. You'll want to prove, from that get-go, why you’re interested in spending time with this person in particular. It's often best not to think so much about "the date" in the initial stages. You don't want to get ahead of yourself, as all relationships should be founded on proper communication and a friendly interest in the other person.
- If you often see the girl in public, whether at school or in the neighborhood, always greet her.^{[1]
  X
  Research source}Small talk can be helpful in finding common interests. It's also a nice way to connect on a person-to-person basis before jumping into the "dating talk." This all shouldn’t be as daunting as you think it is; just be yourself and prove that you're interested in speaking with her.
2
Speak with confidence. If you think you’re going to fail, you probably will. ^{[2]
X
Research source}Try not to be too frantic or speak in a high voice; your tone will suggest that you're uncertain about your offer. If you have faith in yourself, you'll speak directly without any stuttering or hesitation. This brand of conviction is attractive, and it will also make your interest very apparent. Even if she doesn't say yes, you'll feel more confident the next time that you ask a girl out.
- If you enter the conversation with any sort of unnecessary arrogance, however, your chances will become slim. There's a difference between being confident and assuming that she's going to say yes. Don't put on any extra swagger; the honesty of your directness will be more than enough to bolster your chances.
Advertisement
3
Don’t expect to win them all. There are many reasons why a girl may not accept your offer to go on a date with her. You shouldn't take it too personally if she's not interested. Odds are that you haven't done anything wrong. Maybe she’s just not interested in dating right now, or maybe she’s already seeing another person.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Transitioning from Friend to Girlfriend

1
Don't move too quickly. If you're starting to grow close with this person, there's no need to ask her out just yet. You enjoy her company, so deepening your friendship through casual hanging out should still be rewarding.^{[3]
X
Research source}It'll also be easier, if things don't work out, to remain friendly. You should, after all, be comfortable remaining friends if she doesn't want to date.
- If you have mutual friends with her already, make sure that you don't allow their opinions to inform your ideas about the relationship. There's no way that they can understand exactly what you're going through. Even if their opinions are valid, you and her will know best if things are starting to work.
2
Compliment her. Don’t be subtle about it. Tell her that you like her necklace, or her new haircut, or that you dig her sense of humor. But whatever you do, make sure you really mean it; no one wants to receive a false compliment.^{[4]
X
Expert Source

Louie Felix
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.} If the compliment seems too forced, it might appear that you're pandering to her.^{[5]
X
Research source}Remember that the simplest ones are often the best.
- While physical compliments can certainly work, it might benefit you to compliment some positive behavior that you've seen her perform. If you've noticed her compassion toward others, try telling her that. It's very difficult to fall flat if you're speaking honestly to someone about their character or moral compass.
3
Express real interest in her interests. When she speaks about things that she’s passionate about, you should be excited and want to hear more. Keep asking questions and digging deeper. She’ll know that you’re interested and want to speak more about herself.
- Not sure what she likes? Try asking about some of these topics^{[6]
  X
  Research source}to make some headway in those discoveries. It's important to ask plenty of questions about what she enjoys. You want to get to know this person quickly, and it's tough to do that if you don't do some proper investigation.
- If you’re not actually interested in what she’s speaking about, that’s a definite sign that you two aren’t compatible. You may find her attractive or have the desire to date another person, but if you have no common interests, your further contact will most likely be painful and awkward.
4
Be more sensitive. Because a relationship requires a great deal of intimacy, it'll be to your benefit to start those more vulnerable conversations sooner rather than later.^{[7]
X
Research source} Don't be afraid to ask her about her family or insecurities, especially if she brings it up first. You shouldn't be completely responsible for taking care of her, as your relationship is still developing. But if you want things to move to the next level, it's good to show that you're capable of listening to her sensitively.
- It's good to be aware, from the beginning, if this girl seems independent enough to have a stable and steady relationship with you.^{[8]
  X
  Research source}If it feels like she needs someone to talk to at all times, there's a fear that she'll become overly attached and unable to operate independently. Make sure that you both feel comfortable in yourself to be alone. If you're both comfortable being alone, but just enjoy being with each other, you are setting yourself up for a more successful and healthy bond.
- The same things apply to your initial interest in a potential partner. Make sure that you are interested in them exclusively, not just interested in having a person in your life to support you or be kind to you. Your potential relationship will be much more authentic if you make sure it is founded within the other person, not some idea about them.
5
Listen intently. Not actively listening is one of the primary reasons why initial attempts at relationships fall flat.^{[9]
X
Research source}Nobody wants to feel that they’re unheard, and it’s definitely not to your benefit to commit halfheartedly to your first few conversations, or speak only about yourself. Make sure that you're practicing some of the key fundamentals of active listening:^{[10]
X
Research source}
- Make ample eye contact and smile.
- Use mild conversation fillers and sounds to dictate that you’re interested. “Mhmm” and “right” can be far more helpful then you might think.
- Ask open-ended questions to keep conversation flowing, This will prove that you’re not only listening, but that you’d like to hear more about whatever they’re currently speaking about.
- Don't fidget with your hands or play with your clothes. These little distractions will make her think that you're uninterested or unable to hold a steady conversation.
6
Find an opening to ask about a future plan. This is where it can get tough, and where it may very on a case-to-case basis. The hope is that at some point during your conversation, you’ve spoken about some shared interest that you can weave into a swapping of contact information. Some examples might include:
- A song that you’ve spoken about. Say you’ll share it with her on Facebook.
- A bar or restaurant that one of you, or both, enjoy. Suggest that you go together, and use that open-ended plan to get her phone number.
- A great YouTube video that you’ve told her about. Everyone loves a good laugh, and you can send it to her and continue the conversation.
- Your shared love of a particular sports team or television show. Suggest that you go to a game together or watch the show together.
- Any of these options, and more, would work well, but if you don’t have any smooth transition, you can be totally transparent and simply ask for her number, saying that you’d love to meet up for coffee or dinner. She'll probably really appreciate your directness.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Setting a Date

1
Send out feelers quickly. Nobody wants to be kept waiting for too long. If you have time to send a text and you'd like to set up the date, you can be honest with yourself and send at that pace.^{[11]
X
Research source}If she’s given you her contact information, then there’s no point in letting it settle for too long; reach out to her later that day, or perhaps later that morning, to figure out your next plan.If you think you need a bit of time to prepare, or you don't have a spare moment to reach out properly, you can also slow the process down.
2
Don’t take too long to respond.^{[12]
X
Research source}While being too eager in creating the plan could be seen as overbearing, the opposing method will be far more detrimental to your budding relationship. It’s not easy for anyone to set up future plans, but it’s even tougher when the other person involved isn’t being totally responsive.
- It's not helpful to spend too much time in the limbo between casual texting and setting the date up.Because you've already made a move toward a real, in-person date, don't waste too much time and energy being clever on text. Be simple and direct. That way, you can get some quality face-to-face time.
- There are situations when you want to leave some space. If the girl isn’t positive about her weekend plans, and she tells you that she needs to figure out her schedule, don’t be too pushy. People have busy lives and need to plan around busy schedules.
- Try not to think about too hard about the science of texting or Facebook messaging. Just because she hasn’t responded in two hours doesn’t mean she’s uninterested.^{[13]
  X
  Research source}She might even, like you, be a bit nervous about the date itself. Her anxiety may be keeping her from properly responding to the text, as she also doesn't know exactly what to say.
3
Be flexible with the plan.^{[14]
X
Research source}If you have strict preconceptions on how your date will go, then you may end up being disappointed. She may not have time for dinner and a movie, so dinner should be more than enough for now. You should also be accommodating to her suggestions, as this proves that you’re more interested in spending time than the logistics of the plan itself.
4
Remember that she said yes. By giving you her contact information, she’s already agreed to have further contact. Therefore, don't be frustrated by the little troubles of planning the date itself. She’s interested in seeing you, so when you both work out the details, you’ll both be happy to be spending quality time together.

Expert Q&A

Question

What should I do if the girl I'm going on a date with is a lot more confident than me?

Louie Felix
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Louie Felix is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker, and the founder and CEO of Matchmaking VIP, a company which provides concierge-level matchmaking services to clients around the world. He is also the COO of Agape Matchmaking based in New York City. With almost 16 years of professional matchmaking and dating coaching experience, Louie has served as CEO for the United States' two largest matchmaking companies serving over 50,000 clients. He has been featured as an expert matchmaker for shows on E! Entertainment Television, WeTV and the CW. He was also recently acknowledged as a top 5 worldwide matchmaker by both the International Dating Conference and the Matchmakers Alliance. Louie was also selected as one of America's top 10 Relationship Experts for the Great Love Debate National Tour.

Louie Felix

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Sometimes dates actually go better when you have somebody who's more outgoing than the other person. So instead of worrying about it, I think you should embrace it. It puts you in a position where there's not as much awkward silence or dull moments because the other person typically will keep things engaging and interesting.
Question

How do I compliment a girl without it coming across as cheesy?

Louie Felix
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Louie Felix is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker, and the founder and CEO of Matchmaking VIP, a company which provides concierge-level matchmaking services to clients around the world. He is also the COO of Agape Matchmaking based in New York City. With almost 16 years of professional matchmaking and dating coaching experience, Louie has served as CEO for the United States' two largest matchmaking companies serving over 50,000 clients. He has been featured as an expert matchmaker for shows on E! Entertainment Television, WeTV and the CW. He was also recently acknowledged as a top 5 worldwide matchmaker by both the International Dating Conference and the Matchmakers Alliance. Louie was also selected as one of America's top 10 Relationship Experts for the Great Love Debate National Tour.

Louie Felix

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Honesty is always the best policy. If you think somebody has beautiful eyes, it's okay to say it. It becomes disingenuous when you say it to try to impress someone. Make sure that everything that you're talking about is what you really think, what you really feel, what you really believe in. Keep it genuine, and don't worry about trying to impress the other person.