How to Have Good Sex in Marriage

Co-authored by Jacqueline Hellyer and Jennifer Mueller, JD

Last Updated: March 23, 2022 References

To start, let's get one thing straight: marriage does not mean boring sex. Whether you've been married for 2 months or 20 years, having good sex in marriage is as simple as talking about it a lot and making it a priority in your lives. Not convinced? Here, we have everything you need to know to help you live happily—and sexily—ever after.

Section 1 of 5:

What is good sex in marriage?

Good sex makes you both feel loved and fulfilled. You may feel like you're constantly bombarded with cultural messages that tell you what good sex is. The truth? Good sex is whatever makes you feel good. That's it.^{[1]
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American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- This includes how often you have sex. Different people have different sex drives.^{[2]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Jacqueline Hellyer
  Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
  Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} It's up to you and your spouse to decide on a frequency that you're both satisfied with.
- Sometimes, your sex drive won't match up with your spouse's—especially if you're together for a long time. Talk about it and find a compromise that works for both of you.

Section 2 of 5:

How can marriage impact your sex life?

Becoming life partners often shifts your priorities. Work or school, maintaining your home, and raising your kids become more important to you and this causes sex to take a back seat. After a while, you get in the habit of not having sex or being physically intimate and it feels awkward.^{[3]
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- Having children can take a huge toll on your sex life. Both of you are likely exhausted, and it's hard to get any private time with a little one running around.^{[4]
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  Trustworthy Source
  Johns Hopkins Medicine
  Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital
  Go to source}

Section 3 of 5:

What are signs of a healthy sex life?

A healthy sex life makes you both feel confident and empowered. The truth is, what qualifies as a healthy sex life differs from person to person. On top of that, each person's sexual needs and desires will likely change several times over the course of their life. Rest assured, having a healthy sex life has nothing to do with how often you do it or for how long. So how can you know what a healthy married sex life looks like? You'll see the following signs:^{[5]
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- Routine non-sexual physical touch
- Explicit boundaries limiting family involvement in your life as a couple
- Regular verbal reassurances, compliments, and expressions of love
- Weekly date nights, fun, and playful interactions
- Meaningful conversations with each other^{[6]
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  Expert Source
  
  Jacqueline Hellyer
  Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
  Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}

Section 4 of 5:

Improving Your Sex Life in Marriage

1
Schedule date nights regularly. Date nights give you a chance to reconnect with each other as lovers. Set some ground rules so you stay focused on each other. "No talking about the kids" and "No talking about work" are two good ones. You might add others as they apply to your situation. It might feel a bit awkward at first, but you'll get in the groove before you know it.^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source
Johns Hopkins Medicine
Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital
Go to source}
- Basic dates are fine—do things that you both enjoy. If you want to do dinner and a movie, there's nothing wrong with that. The point is for the two of you to spend time together.
- Put your phones away on date night so you can spend quality time together. If you have small children and need to check in periodically, schedule specific check-in times, such as just before they go to bed.
2
Educate yourself about sex and sexual pleasure. It's fine if you don't actually know a lot about sex—you have plenty of time to learn. If you feel embarrassed, don't worry—there are lots of free resources online that can teach you about human bodies and human sexuality.^{[8]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}^{[9]
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Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
- Share things you're interested in with your spouse. If you find something that neither of you knew about before, you can learn together.^{[10]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Jacqueline Hellyer
  Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
  Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
- Masturbation is another way for you to learn about your own body and what kinds of touches and sensations bring you pleasure.
3
Try new things both of you agree to. Have an open and honest conversation about ways to spice things up.^{[11]
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Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} This could lead you to try new positions, use toys, or experiment with other activities, such as bondage or role play.^{[12]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Check out books, articles, and videos for inspiration on different things to try. Even porn, novels, and erotica can give you some ideas. Plenty of these things are available online for free, so no one has to know but you and your spouse.
- Remember that the concept of consent is still important even when you're married. If you're doing something new, check in with each other regularly to make sure you're both still having fun.
- You might also consider having a safe word that stops the scene immediately if either of you is feeling uncomfortable.
4
Create room for spontaneity. Planning a surprise for your partner can really give your sex life a boost. Okay, it's true that the word "planning" seems to contradict the word "spontaneity"—but if you're married with kids, you know nothing can ever truly be spontaneous. Instead, orchestrate moments that give you the opportunity to indulge in a little impromptu intimacy.^{[13]
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- For example, you might send the kids out to check the mail or take out the trash. They'll probably only be gone for a minute or two, but that's plenty of time to do a little making out.
5
Initiate sex more often. If your partner is usually the one that initiates sex, don't be afraid to switch it up! Initiating sex (or even physical intimacy that doesn't necessarily lead to sex) makes your spouse feel desired, which will definitely improve your sex life.^{[14]
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Trustworthy Source
Johns Hopkins Medicine
Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital
Go to source}
- For example, you might get into bed naked and curl up next to your spouse, pressing your body against theirs. Sometimes, this is all you need to let them know that you'd like to have sex.
- Don't take it personally if you try to initiate sex and your spouse simply isn't in the mood. You probably remember a time when the roles were reversed—these things happen. The last thing you want to do is get mad at them or try and force the issue.
- If your spouse isn't interested in having sex, simply cuddle with them or explore other ways to be physically intimate.
6
Take time to set the mood. Talk to your spouse about the things that really get each of you in the mood. When you know you're going to be intimate, spending a little time setting the stage will make all the difference. This also helps both of you relax after a busy and stressful day.^{[15]
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Trustworthy Source
Johns Hopkins Medicine
Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital
Go to source}
- How this looks will be different for every couple, so embrace whatever gets you and your spouse going. Maybe it's candlelight and some soft, sexy music, but it could just as easily be a hockey game on TV and you wearing a hockey jersey and nothing else.
7
Avoid comparing your sex life to others. If you and your spouse are happy with your sex life, that's all that matters. Ignore articles and statistics that seem to imply that your sex life isn't great. Only you can decide what's great for you.^{[16]
X
Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- For example, suppose you read an article that says married couples with great sex lives have sex twice a week. You and your spouse only have sex once every other week. Does that frequency work for you? Are you both satisfied? Then you're fine!
- This might also mean making a joint decision to stop watching porn. If you find that you're constantly comparing your performance to porn actors and feeling as though you fall short, just turn it off.
8
Exercise together to build endorphins and feel closer. Exercise not only increases your stamina and physical fitness but also prompts your body to create feel-good brain chemicals that can put you in the mood for sexual activity. In fact, studies show people who engage in aerobic exercise 3-4 times a week have more physical intimacy with their spouses and more satisfying orgasms.^{[17]
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- Exercise also helps improve your self-image and gives you more confidence in the way your body moves.
- This doesn't mean exercise is a cure-all, but if you lead a mostly sedentary life, becoming more active can change your sex life for the better.

Section 5 of 5:

Building Intimacy for Better Sex

1
Make sex a regular part of your conversations. If you want sex to be a regular part of your life, talk about it as though it is. Think about the things that are important to you. You probably talk about those things with your partner a lot, right? Sex should be no different.^{[18]
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Research source}^{[19]
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Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
- This doesn't mean that you're coming on to your spouse or making lewd comments constantly. Instead, talk about sex more generally, the same way you talk about your favorite sports or hobbies.
- If you're reading articles about human sexuality and learning more about pleasure, you might share these articles with each other and discuss them.
2
Use nonsexual touch to trigger physical intimacy and closeness. Make it a habit to stand or sit closer to your spouse whenever possible. Rest your hand on their arm or leg when you're chatting. Squeeze their shoulder or rub their back as you walk past them. All these little touches help build your physical intimacy.^{[20]
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Trustworthy Source
Johns Hopkins Medicine
Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital
Go to source}
- Nonsexual touch bridges the gap between your sex life and your everyday life. When the two of you are used to touching each other a lot, you don't have to worry as much about transitioning into sex.
- Being physically intimate can also make it a lot easier and less awkward to try new sexual things. If this isn't normal for you, start slow. You'll gradually feel more comfortable with it.
3
Compliment each other often. Even if you've been together for years, you still need to tell your spouse the things you like about them. Complimenting your spouse also tells them that you're attracted to them and desire them—very potent emotions that can greatly enhance your sex life.^{[21]
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- Try to come up with at least one thing a day that you can compliment your spouse on. Maybe it's their patience with your children or how they always make the best coffee. Whatever it is, make it something that's specific to them.
4
Focus on increasing intimacy and the sex will follow. Most people think of sex when they hear the word "intimacy," but the truth is there are many different kinds of intimacy. Building emotional, mental, and physical intimacy with your spouse can greatly improve your sex life.^{[22]
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- You can increase mental and emotional intimacy simply by having an open and honest conversation with your spouse once a week. Even if it's just for a few minutes, it'll help you feel closer to each other.
- A lot of mental and emotional intimacy comes from getting to know each other and being vulnerable around each other.
- If you've been married for a while, you might feel like you already know your spouse, so you've stopped making an effort to get to know them or ask them questions. Trying something new, like learning a new hobby together, can help you see each other in a new light.
5
Take a couples' vacation to break out of your routine. Whether you're looking to rekindle that spark or just want a break from everyday life, there's nothing like a weekend getaway. Many resorts and spas have package deals specifically designed for spouses who are seeking a romantic getaway.^{[23]
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- You don't have to travel far—in fact, you don't even have to leave your own town. If distant travel doesn't suit your schedule or your budget, book a single night in a local hotel and make a pact with each other to leave everyday life at the door.
6
Get help with other issues that might be affecting your sex life. It's not uncommon to have medical or psychological issues that decrease your sexual desire. While these things can be embarrassing to talk about, doctors can help. Have the courage to take that first step toward working on those issues—it can dramatically improve your sex life with your spouse.^{[24]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- A therapist can help if you have a mental issue or trauma in your past that's making sex difficult for you in some way. If the problem is related to your relationship with your spouse, couple's therapy can help.
- Your doctor can help you with medical issues. But even after those issues are resolved, it's normal to have lingering thoughts or worries that can make sex difficult. A therapist can help with these as well.

Expert Q&A

Question

Is it okay to talk about sex openly?

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Jacqueline Hellyer is a Licensed Psychosexual Therapist and the Founder of The Love Life Blog and The LoveLife Clinic. With over 20 years of experience, Jacqueline specializes in sex advice, sex tips, and relationship advice. In addition to being an accredited Psychosexual Therapist with the Society of Australian Sexologists (SAS), Jacqueline is also a Professional Certified Coach with the International Coach Federation (ICF). Jacqueline holds a BSc in Biochemistry and Human Sciences from The Australian National University, a Graduate Diploma in Applied Science from the University of Canberra, a BA in Languages and Literature from the University of New England (AU), an MSc in Sexual Health from The University of Sydney, and an MSc in Consciousness, Spirituality & Transpersonal Psychology from The Alef Trust. Her work and expertise have been featured in Australian Men’s Health, Cosmopolitan, Australian Women’s Health, Marie Claire, and 60 Minutes.

Jacqueline Hellyer

Licensed Psychosexual Therapist

Expert Answer

Absolutely! If you were taking tennis lessons or learning Spanish together, you'd talk about it, right? Treat sex like any other mutual hobby you and your partner have.