How to Know if You're Rebounding or if You Actually Like a Guy

Co-authored by Erika Kaplan

Last Updated: October 11, 2022 References Approved

When you've been hurt after a break-up, you may want to mask your pain or find ways to heal. Jumping into another relationship or "rebounding" as way to get over (or get back at) your ex is one way to move on. But does this really give that new guy a chance? And is it really fair to the other person? Before you start to date someone, it's important to really process what happened with your ex and learn to love yourself.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Sorting Through Your Feelings

1
Set aside time to assess your feelings. You may be harboring feelings of resentment, guilt, or frustration about your recent break-up. It's important to face those feelings rather than mask them with a new relationship. A break-up can feel like a deep loss. Give yourself time to mourn the past. ^{[1]
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- A process of self-reflection can help with healing. Be willing to look inward, and not just outward, about how to cope with the end of a relationship. The beginning of a new relationship may seem outwardly like you've moved on, but it's important to address how you're really feeling.
- If you're still in love and thinking about your ex, jumping into a relationship or having sex out of spite might be harmful to you in the long run.
- Don't use or abuse another guy just to get back at your ex.
2
Write down what you're feeling. Expressing yourself through words can help you with the healing process. It can be scary when you're alone or don't have a significant other. But it's far worse to hurt a new guy's feelings or pretend that you're over someone. Let out your feelings through writing so that you can move on in a real and honest way. ^{[2]
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- Consider writing in a journal every day to process your feelings. Use this only for your private thoughts. Avoid sharing it in public spaces such as an online blog or other social media.
- Writing can be cathartic or a form of emotional release. It helps you to understand what you're feeling rather than pushing away or masking your feelings.
- Though writing can be helpful, avoid spending too much time on venting. Thirty minutes of writing a day should suffice.
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3
Ask yourself questions. If you're starting to date again, but still hung up on the previous ex, then it's important to ask yourself what you're feeling. Find out more about what your intentions are and why you're acting this way. This is helpful to understand whether you're really into a guy, or just trying to forget your ex for a little while. Ask yourself:^{[3]
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- Are you seeking out this new guy because you feel lonely or because you enjoy his company?
- Are you afraid of being single?
- When you allow yourself to think about the break up, what do you feel? (Sad, mad, heartbroken, sick, etc.).
- Do you fantasize often about running into your ex with your new date?
- Are you dating to seemingly show off that you've moved on? Are you more focused on what others think rather than who you're actually dating?
- When you think about your ex are you able to wish him well despite what you've been through?
- Do you always talk about your ex with your new guy?
- Are you focused on making comparisons between your new guy and your ex?
- Do you still feel lonely or sad even when you are with your new guy?
4
Seek support from friends and family. Before you try to figure out if the new guy is your next best thing, talk with people that you trust. Get their advice about what they've been through after a relationship ends. They may help you to understand the situation better.^{[4]
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- Learn to let go and find support. Don't feel like you're worthless or unlovable just because of this break-up. Everyone has had some kind of loss before. You're not alone.
- Make an active choice to find true friends rather than just another relationship. Avoid clinging onto someone new to make you feel better about yourself. Friends who care about you will be more reliable and supportive during a difficult time.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Analyzing Your Habits

1
Evaluate your social media use. In our modern age, ending a relationship may still have loose ends with regards to social media like Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. If you're still "friends" with your ex via social media, assess how often you find yourself on their feed. Are you constantly checking on what they're doing?^{[5]
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- Limit your time on social media sites after a break-up. Social media sites often give false impressions of real life. They tend to focus on the positive, happy times. But real life is not what's on Instagram.
- Avoid spending time looking at your ex's feed or the feeds of your ex's friends. If you can't be present with your new guy, you're likely still hung up on the old one.
- Assess the types of photos you're posting. Are you posting pictures to possibly get the attention of your ex? Or are you posting pictures because you're genuinely happy with the new guy?
2
Avoid comparing your new guy to your ex. A new guy should not be a "replacement" for the last one. No two people and no two relationships will be the same. Avoid looking for a new person to date so you can emulate the feelings you had with your ex. ^{[6]
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- Focus on being present with the new guy in your life. If you seem to be constantly distracted or comparing him to your ex, it can be difficult to find out if you actually like the guy.
- On the other hand, avoid using a new guy as a "crutch." Don't be fooled that a new guy will fix everything.
- You may be inclined to find someone who's the exact opposite of your ex. While at times this may work, don't try to find someone who is completely different just to avoid being reminded of your ex. Think about the qualities that actually matter to you in a relationship.
3
Focus on loving yourself. Make sure to take time for you. Being single is not a bad or negative thing. The most important love in your life is yourself. You have worth and value.^{[7]
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- Get to know what matters to you. Find out what makes you happy and confident in yourself.
- Find passion in life rather than seeking another guy to validate you as a person. Avoid feeling like you can only do things when you're with someone. Try new things on your own. Take classes that interest you. Find hobbies that fulfill you. Be adventurous.
4
Assess what you want from your next relationship. Every relationship and every break-up is a growing experience. It's a time to learn about yourself and find out what truly makes you happy. While it is important to be accepting of new relationships and new people, it's important to think about what really matters for your happiness.
- Don't be blinded by looks alone. Think about what makes a good relationship for you. Does the guy you're interested in seem to be a good fit for you? Or is he just a friendly person who seems nice?
- A healthy relationship revolves around love, kindness, honesty, joy, patience, openness, and loyalty.^{[8]
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- Think about what your deal breakers are. Is this new guy already in a relationship or dating multiple people? Is he trustworthy? Is he often angry or abusive? Is he inattentive or uncaring? Does he have a history of STDs? Does he have a drug or alcohol problem?^{[9]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Enjoying a New Connection

1
Take time to know the guy you're interested in. Do you like the new guy because he's cute, funny, and smart? Or do you like him because he reminds you of your ex? It can be easier to look for a new relationship that's just like the old one. It may make you happy for a few dates, but it's less likely to last.
- If the new guy seems interesting because he reminds you of your ex, you may be rebounding.
- Similarly, if the guy has all the opposite traits of your ex, you could be overcorrecting—another sign of a rebound relationship.^{[10]
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  Expert Source
  
  Erika Kaplan
  Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.}
2
Give the new guy a chance. If you've been on a few dates with a guy, and feel like there's a connection, don't assume he's only a rebound from your last relationship. On the other hand, don't assume that every new guy is even more wonderful than the last. ^{[11]
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- If a new guy is genuine, honest, and caring, don't simply put him in the "rebound" category because it's a few weeks or months after your last relationship. This will likely hurt the relationship, and hurt him if you make him feel less-than.
- If you don't feel ready to open up and be vulnerable, then you might need to step back and take a little more time to recover from your last relationship.^{[12]
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  Expert Source
  
  Erika Kaplan
  Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.}
3
Be open and honest with someone new. Be clear with them that you had a break-up, but that you are hopeful for a future relationship. No one can tell you when you're ready to start dating and opening yourself to love except you.
- Share about yourself, but avoid oversharing all the details of your past relationship. Don't try to rehash the break-up with a new guy in your life.
- If you're feeling vulnerable, consider setting boundaries with any new person you date. Stay true to what you think it is right for you to be safe and happy. Don't let others decide for you.
- Rebound relationships tend to become physical fast, and there's often more physical intimacy than emotional connection.^{[13]
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  Expert Source
  
  Erika Kaplan
  Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.}

Expert Q&A
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Question

How can I tell if I really like someone or he's just a rebound?

Erika Kaplan
Matchmaker
Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.

Erika Kaplan

Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

If the relationship feels strictly physical or if you don't feel ready to open up and be vulnerable, it may be a rebound relationship. Also, if you're dating someone who has all the opposite traits of your ex, it's often a rebound relationship.

Warnings

Don't let your judgment be clouded. A good guy will not take advantage of you sexually because you're "on the rebound." Be safe when you're with someone new.

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