How to Know if the Guy You're Dating Is Right for You

Co-authored by Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Last Updated: October 3, 2022 References Approved

Finding the right guy can be challenging. Once you start dating someone, you should ask yourself important questions to determine whether he's right for you. You should think about whether you share common values and interests, how you communicate, how he makes you feel, and whether he treats you with respect. Once you determine your priorities and evaluate your relationship, set some time aside to have a conversation with him about your future together.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Figuring Out Your Priorities

1
Think about your beliefs and values. If the person you're dating is right for you, the two of you will share common core beliefs and values. While these values will vary from couple to couple, it is important to think about what is important to you in life and whether or not your partner also values these things.^{[1]
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- Beliefs and values are not the same as common interests.
- For example, love, care, trust, and respect are values, while sports and television are interests.
2
Consider your common interests. It's important to have common interests with the guy you're dating. Your relationship should go beyond amazing chemistry. Think about things you both like to do, and how you spend your time when you're together. Not having a lot of common interests isn't a deal-breaker, but both partners should be willing to try out some activities the other person enjoys.^{[2]
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- Make a list of your interests and then put a star beside interests that you share with him.
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3
Decide what's important to you in a relationship. It's important to be clear about what matters most to you when you're trying to figure out if the guy you're dating is a good fit. Sit down and make a list of things that are important to you in a relationship.
- Some examples include spending quality time together, sharing similar life goals, and mutual respect.

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Evaluating Your Relationship

1
Ask yourself how you feel when you're together. He should make you feel good about yourself, valuing your personality, intelligence, and kindness. If a guy is right for you, you should have fun while you are together. The right guy will make you feel loved, appreciated, and valued.
- Try asking yourself, “How do I feel after hanging out with the guy I'm dating?”
- After you hang out with the guy you're dating, try coming home and making a list of how you felt during and after hanging out together.
- Some examples of feeling include happy, sad, anxious, curious, and excited.
2
Think about whether you bring out the best in each other. If you're dating the right guy, you should both bring out the best in one another. This means encouraging each other to grow in all aspects of your lives – emotionally, personally, and professionally. The right guy brings out your best personality traits, and you do the same for him.
- Try making a list of your best qualities and behaviors. Then ask yourself, “Does the guy I'm dating bring out these things in me?”
- Some examples might include having a positive outlook, acting with kindness toward others, or not engaging in gossip.
3
Consider your communication. Communication is key to a successful relationship, and how you and your guy communicate is a great indicator as to whether he is right for you. Both partners should be able to talk openly about their feelings, hopes, and dreams. And both should listen carefully to what the other person is saying. Even if it's just small talk or what seems like an insignificant experience, it's important that you and your guy communicate openly and regularly.^{[3]
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- Try making a list of times you communicated effectively with the guy you're dating, and times you wish the communication would have been better.
- An example of good communication might include the time you argued but both took time to listen to the other person's thoughts and feelings.
- An example of poor communication might be when he failed to inform you he wasn't coming to hang out after previously making plans to do so.
- Compare the lists to get a holistic perspective on your overall communication as a couple, including areas where you can improve.
4
Ask yourself whether he treats you with respect. If the guy you're dating doesn't respect you, he's not right for you. He should respect your time, talents, and opinions. He should be okay with disagreeing. He shouldn't lie to you, second-guess you, jerk you around, or try to micromanage your life. If a guy is right for you, he will respect and value you as an individual.^{[4]
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- Make a list of times the guy you're dating treated you with respect, and then make a list of times you felt he disrespected you. Compare the lists.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Looking for Warning Signs

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Avoid men who physically abuse you. If a guy you are dating is physically abusive, he is not right for you. You should leave a physically abusive relationship as soon as you can. Seek support from friends, family, or by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Domestic violence includes physical abuse such as:^{[5]
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National Domestic Violence Hotline
Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse
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- Slapping, kicking, punching, biting, choking, and pulling hair
- Harming you with weapons
- Hurting your children
- Not allowing you to eat or sleep
- Preventing you from getting medical attention after the abuse
- Forbidding you from calling the police
- Abandoning you in a place that is unfamiliar
- Forcing you to use alcohol or drugs
- Forcing you to have sex or perform sexual acts
2
Learn the signs of emotional and psychological abuse. If you are in a relationship with a guy who is emotionally abusive, he is not right for you. You should leave an emotionally abusive relationship as soon as possible and seek help from friends, family, or your local domestic violence center. This type of domestic violence often evolves into physical abuse. Emotional and psychological abuse can include:
- Humiliating or embarrassing you
- Constantly putting you down
- Making mean jokes or regularly making fun of you
- Withdrawing affection
- Guilt trips
- Using money as a way to control you
- Constantly calling or texting you when you are not with him
- Isolating you from friends and family
3
Reconsider dating someone who is in another relationship. If you're dating someone who has another significant other, like a wife, husband, girlfriend, or boyfriend, you should reconsider the relationship. This is especially true if the guy promises to break up with his significant other, but does not.^{[6]
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4
Watch out for guys who only contact you sporadically. If he only contacts you sporadically or relies predominately on email, text, or social media to make plans, it could be a sign he's not that into you. This is also the case if he only wants to see you when he wants something, like money, sex, or a shoulder to cry on.^{[7]
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Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Making Your Decision

1
Reflect on your feelings. After you determine your priorities and evaluate your relationship, you should reflect on your feelings. Think about how the relationship as a whole makes you feel. Pay attention to your gut. If you feel that the guy you're dating isn't right for you, consider ending the relationship.
2
Make a list of positives and negatives. When you are trying to decide if your relationship is a good fit, it is important to reflect on both the negative and positive aspects of the relationship. Take a piece of paper and make two columns – one for positive things and one for negative things. After filling in each column, reflect on the relationship as a whole.
- Positive aspects might include effective communication, mutual respect, and bringing out the best in you.
- Negative issues might include emotional or physical abuse, not respecting your opinions, and not sharing common values or goals.
3
Talk to him. Set aside some time to talk about your relationship. If you decide he isn't right for you, use this time to explain to him that you don't want to continue the relationship. If you think he is right for you but the relationship could use some improvement, utilize this time to talk to him about what is or isn't working for you in the relationship.
- Try saying, “John, I am really happy we are together, but feel there are some things we need to work on. Can we talk about how we communicate with one another?”
- You can say, “Evan, I don't feel you treat me with respect and we do not share common values. I think it would be best if we go our separate ways.”

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Expert Q&A

Question

What are the signs of a healthy relationship?

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”

Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

A sense of trust with your partner is a good indicator of a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship will also have a good track record of mutually respectful behavior. If you're thinking about this person as a long term partner, you should feel like you and your partner have the same goals for the relationship.