How to Know when to End a Long Term Relationship

Co-authored by Laura Richer and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: February 3, 2023 References

Knowing when to break up with someone is never easy, but it’s even harder when you’ve been dating for more than 2 or 3 years. While it can feel drastic to end a long term relationship, the fact is that some problems just can’t be fixed. You might know it’s time to end the relationship if the two of you no longer respect, love, or care about one another. However, there may be subtler signs, like the two of you are drifting apart even when you’re together, or things have gone cold in the bedroom. If you’re feeling confused about whether or not you should end your relationship, read through some of the signs that it might be time to break up to make your final decision on your own.

1

You can’t communicate with each other.

Communication is one of the most important parts of a relationship. If your conversations constantly devolve into arguments, if your partner doesn’t update you on what they’re doing or thinking, or if they don’t support you through tough times, the relationship may be coming to an end.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} If you’ve tried to work on communication before and it just didn’t help, it could be a sign that you two aren’t right for each other.^{[2]
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- Loving partners should be able to solve disagreements respectfully without name-calling or abuse.
- Similarly, good partners should always support each other during the good times and the bad.

2

You no longer respect each other.

Respect is the baseline of any healthy relationship. If you and your partner don't respect each other, it probably means you can’t talk openly with each other, you don’t value each other’s needs and wants, and you don’t support each other’s hobbies or career choices.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} When respect is lost, it’s very hard to keep a relationship on track.^{[4]
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- If you respect your partner but they don’t respect you, that may be a sign of an abusive or unhealthy relationship. If that’s the case, it’s probably time to end things.

3

You can’t seem to compromise on anything.

Long term relationships involve a ton of compromising. If you or your partner are stubborn and set in your own ways, you’re probably not going to be able to compromise much. Little things probably turn into fights, and you might find yourself getting really worked up over something that’s not that big of a deal.^{[5]
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- Similarly, if you’re always the one compromising but your partner gets whatever they want, that shows an imbalance in the relationship, which isn’t healthy.

4

Your needs aren’t being met.

Does your partner put in the same amount of effort that you do? If you feel like the relationship isn't balanced, it might be time to end things.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} This is especially true if you’ve noticed this behavior for a while, mentioned it to your partner on more than one occasion, and things still aren't getting any better.^{[7]
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- Your partner might also take you expressing your needs as an attack on them, which isn’t very helpful. If you’ve discussed how they react to your needs and nothing has changed, it could be a sign to end things.

5

You’re not in love anymore.

This is especially true if you’re actively falling for other people. Love looks a little different for everyone, but you can usually tell when you have no love left for your partner. If you’re fantasizing about other people or even falling for others outside of your relationship, it could be a sign that you need to end things.^{[8]
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- You might also compare your partner to other people or make your partner less of a priority in your life.

6

Your partner hid things from you initially.

Did your partner present a fictionalized version of themselves? If you’ve been together for a while and your partner suddenly reveals something huge, that’s a red flag. Things like large debts, children from previous relationships, diseases, or a previous marriage might be deal breakers, and your partner could have been keeping them from you until they knew it was too late to break up.^{[9]
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- Remember that it’s okay to have deal breakers, even in long term relationships. If your partner reveals something to you that you aren't comfortable with, you’re allowed to end things no matter how long you’ve been together.

7

Your interests are diverging.

It’s important to have at least a few things in common with each other. While it’s totally fine (and healthy) to do things on your own, you and your partner should be able to spend time together and both have fun. If there’s nothing you two enjoy doing together anymore, you may be growing apart from each other.^{[10]
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- People tend to change over long term relationships, which is totally fine. However, if your partner changes completely, you aren’t obligated to stay with them.

8

Your sex life is boring.

It’s normal for your sex life to get a little stale in a long relationship. However, if you’ve tried to mix it up before and it’s just not working, it could be a sign of incompatibility. Similarly, if you or your partner have different sexual needs that the other person can’t fulfill, it could be a red flag.^{[11]
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- If your sex life is getting stale and you haven’t tried mixing things up yet, it’s worth chatting with your partner about things you could both do differently.
- Mixing things up in the bedroom might look like introducing new toys, trying new positions, or simply dressing up occasionally.

9

You feel more like a parent than a partner.

If you feel like you have to constantly monitor them, that's a big red flag. If you feel like you’re taking care of your partner like a parent would, it’s time to have a discussion with them about it. If you’ve already expressed how you feel and nothing’s changed, it could be time to leave your relationship.^{[12]
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- Parenting your partner might look like cleaning up after them, making them appointments, reminding them about events, and generally taking care of the responsibilities in their life. While it’s fine to do that sometimes, you shouldn’t be expected to do all of that all the time.

10

You don’t miss your partner when you’re apart.

You might even feel relieved that they’re gone. While it’s normal to want and need some alone time, you probably shouldn’t celebrate every time your partner leaves the house. If the first thing that comes to mind when your partner isn’t around is “thank goodness,” it could be time to let the relationship go.^{[13]
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- You don’t have to miss your partner all the time, but it’s normal to feel a little sad if they go away for the weekend or out of town for a while.

11

You don’t want to co-parent with your partner.

If you want children, this is an important decision. Think about how your life would look if you introduced a child into your relationship. If you think that it would put too much strain on you and your partner or you’d be stuck with the brunt of the responsibilities, it could be a sign that your relationship needs to end.^{[14]
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- If you already have kids together, consider how you co-parent right now.

12

You’ve tried to change your relationship before.

Change only happens if both of you put in the effort. If you’ve been holding onto this relationship for a while now, it’s likely you’ve exhausted a lot of your options. If you and your partner have had talks and promised to get better but still nothing has changed, it’s a good sign that it’s time to end things.^{[15]
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- If you and your partner aren’t able to reach any conclusions during your chats, it might be helpful to talk to a couple’s counselor.

Examples of What to say to End a Long Term Relationship

Examples of How to End a Long Term Relationship

Expert Q&A

Question

Is it OK to end a long-term relationship?

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Laura Richer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the Founder of Anchor Light Therapy Collective, a multi-disciplinary mental health counseling clinic in Seattle, Washington. With more than ten years of experience in the mental health sector, she specializes in working with couples and individuals and supporting them in becoming empowered to direct their destiny. Laura holds a BA in English from Western Washington University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She also received her Hypnotherapy Practitioner Training from Bastyr University, Couples Counseling Certification from The Gottman Institute, and Master Life Coach Certification from Seattle Life Coach Training. Laura is the host of the podcast Holding Ground which explores anything and everything in the world of mental health and positive psychology.

Laura Richer

Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Expert Answer

Absolutely! It's always okay to end a relationship, especially if you feel disrespected and unvalued.