How to Make a Genuine Apology

Co-authored by Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA

Last Updated: November 4, 2020

In life, everyone needs to make an apology, you need to make people think you mean it, you should mean it anyway if you want to make genuine. Life skills! It often happens that you have mixed feelings, that the subject is not a simple situation, not black and white, but the apology is needed to smooth things out, and you are willing to apologize in order to do that.

Steps

1
Know what you did wrong. Whether it was on purpose or an accident, admit that you did it. People like honesty.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.}
2
Keep it simple, being careful not to start up a fight, a disagreement, or open up the situation for further discussion or recriminations. Stick to the idea of re-establishing a good relationship. This is not the time to work out and dissect events.

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3
Be prepared to meet resistance. Be prepared for it to take some time for your apology to be processed.^{[2]
X
Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.} This may be a long moment, a few minutes, or even days or weeks. Be patient and hopeful. Sometimes apologies have to be repeated. Don't let pride keep you from calling or writing again. The injured party may have trouble calming down, they may remain hurt or angry, and you must persist within reason. It is important to keep follow up messages light and casual. One must understand when to stop the effort as well.
4
It helps to say, "This is a genuine apology, I mean it from the bottom of my heart, I have thought about how wrong I was in that matter, and I hope you will accept my apology.
5
Be polite. An apology will be better accepted if it is sincere.
6
Remind the person of all the fun times that the two of you had together. For instance, "I am sorry I forgot your birthday after all these years.Your friendship means so much to me I hope you will forgive me."
7
Try not to smile. Smiling generally expresses happiness but you should be serious. If you want to smile, try to have an apologetic smile.
8
In some situations a small gift may serve as a token of apology. Often people use flowers, or pay for lunch if they are eating together. You might say, "Let me get this check, it's my pleasure." If you know a person's favorite things this can be more personal. Wrap a small gift in attractive paper or bag and bring it with you for your apology; it will serve as a little sweetener to the situation. Or say, let's go to lunch, it would be my treat.
9
Express yourself. Refer to the person, talk about what you have done, and why it won't happen again. Don't say, "I hope." It should NEVER happen again.
10
Don't do it again! An apology is saying sorry. Sorry means not doing it again. It's supposed to be genuine.
11
In some more complicated situations it may serve better to say, "I will work on this negative quality that I have of bringing things up at the wrong time. I see that it is creating problems for everyone."

Expert Q&A
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Question

How can I seem more sincere when apologizing to my friend?

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Matchmaker, The LA Life Coach
Michelle Shahbazyan is the Founder of The LA Life Coach, a concierge life, family, and career coaching service based in Los Angeles, California. She has over 10 years of experience with life coaching, consulting, motivational speaking, and matchmaking. She has a BA in Applied Psychology and an MS in Building Construction and Technology Management from Georgia Tech University, and a MA in Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Phillips Graduate University.

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA

Matchmaker, The LA Life Coach

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Try to really listen and understand where they're coming from. The most important part of apologizing is being genuine and being able to tolerate the other person's wave of hurt coming your way, whatever that may look like. Let them get that out and continue to stay apologetic.
Question

How do you apologize if you don't know what you did wrong?

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Matchmaker, The LA Life Coach
Michelle Shahbazyan is the Founder of The LA Life Coach, a concierge life, family, and career coaching service based in Los Angeles, California. She has over 10 years of experience with life coaching, consulting, motivational speaking, and matchmaking. She has a BA in Applied Psychology and an MS in Building Construction and Technology Management from Georgia Tech University, and a MA in Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Phillips Graduate University.

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA

Matchmaker, The LA Life Coach

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Talk to the other person to find out why they're upset. Tell them you really care about them and want to know what you did wrong so you can fix things. Really listen to them, and accept how your actions hurt them.
Question

I had an outburst at my best friend. She meant the world to me and I don't want to lose her over this. How can I make it up to her, while making the apology?

Community Answer

Try to apologize by admitting you were wrong, and slowly explaining in a calm tone what is going on.

Warnings

The largest concern is that your apology may not be accepted and the relationship may be forever lost or degraded.

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It is also possible that the person may remain very angry or hurt despite your apology. In this case you may see results later if you are patient, but you may not. To avoid this, never apologize immediately after doing some bad things such as making a personal attack causing the person to cry. In this sort of case, save any apologies for later.

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