Psychology-backed tips for making meaningful apologies
X
This article was co-authored by Tami Claytor. Tami Claytor is an Etiquette Coach, Image Consultant, and the Owner of Always Appropriate Image and Etiquette Consulting in New York, New York. With over 20 years of experience, Tami specializes in teaching etiquette classes to individuals, students, companies, and community organizations. Tami has spent decades studying cultures through her extensive travels across five continents and has created cultural diversity workshops to promote social justice and cross-cultural awareness. She holds a BA in Economics with a concentration in International Relations from Clark University. Tami studied at the Ophelia DeVore School of Charm and the Fashion Institute of Technology, where she earned her Image Consultant Certification.
There are 12 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. In this case, several readers have written to tell us that this article was helpful to them, earning it our reader-approved status.
This article has been viewed 406,837 times.
When you're responsible for hurting someone you care about, it's not always easy to make amends. Putting yourself out on a limb to apologize can be daunting whether your fallout was caused by poor decisions, emotional outbursts, or substance abuse, but it'll be worth it when your relationship is restored. You're already taking a step in the right direction by choosing to address the situation instead of ignoring it. Now you just have to find the right way to apologize and make things right again. In this article, we'll walk you through how to come to terms with what happened and rebuild your connections with friends and family. It's never too late to try and make things right with your loved ones.
Steps
Part 1
Part 1 of 3:
Accepting What Happened
-
1Take an objective view of what happened. Was the situation black and white - you were wrong, and the other person was right? Or is the issue you're dealing with more complicated than that? Making amends can be tricky when you're not sure exactly who's to blame for what. Think through what happened and decide what you need to apologize for.
- If your role is clear and you know what you need to apologize for, making amends should be fairly straightforward (though not necessarily less difficult). For example, if you borrowed someone's car without asking and got into a fender bender, it should be pretty clear how to make amends.
- On the other hand, maybe it's not so clear. For example, maybe you and a friend haven't spoken in months, and both of you said hurtful things that have led the relationship to come to a standstill. It might be hard to put your finger on how the feud started and who's responsible.
-
2Face your mixed feelings. When you've done something wrong toward someone else, you might not feel entirely apologetic. People often disguise their shame by acting aggressive or defensive and making excuses for their behavior. It can be really hard to own up to hurting someone else, but if you're going to make amends you'll have to focus on making things right instead of allowing other feelings to cloud the situation further. Ask yourself these questions to help you acknowledge your feelings:[1]
- Are you trying to cover up feelings of shame because you are afraid of being a lesser person if you acknowledge your wrongdoing? Don't worry - apologizing for something you did wrong actually makes you a better person in others' eyes, not a worse one.
- Are you aware of your mistake but have convinced yourself that you need to fight your way out of this to preserve your reputation? All you're going to do is create a new reputation for yourself as someone who's angry and stubborn.
- Are you worried that this is a battle between self-respect and respect for others?
Advertisement -
3Stand in the other person's shoes. What is their perspective of what happened between you? Do you think they are feeling the same resentment, anger, annoyance as you? Might they be hurt, perplexed, confused, and frustrated? Step outside your own hurt and perception of whatever happened and to try to see it from the other person's perspective.[2]
- Change your frame of mind. If you're still feeling angry, wronged, unforgiving, or just plain fed up, realize that your relationship with the other person matters more than being right all the time.
-
4Write down the reasons why you need to make amends. It can help to transfer the emotions from your head into reasons on paper.[3] This will help you to sort through the worries, the realities, and your own interpretations of the situation so you can figure out how to make amends.
- Acknowledge the wrongdoing you have committed.[4] Don't be arrogant or stubborn - instead, be honest.
- Even if you think there is shared blame, reach a point where you are able to be the bigger person about it.
- Look over your reasons on paper. What leaps out in particular? Can you see patterns emerging? For example, you might find a pattern of behavior where you have behaved selfishly around this person or other people on several occasions. The actual event isn't as important as your negative motivation, so try to home in on that aspect because you will want to convey that you have understood this to the person to whom you will be apologizing.
-
5Make amends with a clear heart. If you find that you still feel quite angry and defensive, you might need to wait before trying to make amends. There is no point trying to make amends when you carry too much emotional baggage of your own. Your apology won't come off as sincere because it won't be sincere. Facing your own sense of resentment is a practical and constructive way forward because it allows you to get to the heart of what's pushing your buttons.
- If necessary, give yourself time to cool off and let the passing time heal wounds. Don't leave it too long, however, since the longer your anger festers and the longer the other person's mistrust of you is confirmed, the harder it will be to reconcile.
- Accept that your own bad behavior happened and that it is now time to clean up the mess the behavior left behind. Acceptance is not about condoning - it's about recognizing things for what they are.
- Acknowledge that it is OK initially to feel anger about whatever happened but don't use your anger as an excuse. Make a choice to move beyond anger - remember that this is about your mistake, not your allegedly besmirched reputation.
-
6Decide what it will take to make up for the damage that was done. Move beyond the desire to cover up your shame and actually think about how you can make up for what you did. The path to making amends is different for everyone. Only you know the right way to make amends for what you did.
- Making amends might just mean putting yourself out on a limb and apologizing for your behavior.
- Sometimes making amends requires more than an apology. You might have to back up your words with some actions. For example, if you were responsible for destroying someone's property, paying for it can go a long way toward patching up the problem.
Advertisement
Part 2
Part 2 of 3:
Making a Plan
-
1Decide what to say. Rehearse difficult conversations prior to having them, as this will help your auto-pilot to kick in if your emotions get the better of you. Look back over your list of reasons, think through the ways in which you could have done things differently, and find solutions for your future way forward. Then prepare some notes in your head, or on paper even, as to what you'll say when you talk to the other person again. Keep the following things in mind:[5]
- Be prepared to take responsibility for what you did. It's a good idea to elaborate on what you did wrong at the outset and to accept that you did the wrong thing. This sets the tone of remorse for the rest of the conversation. You can start simply with "I an sorry I hurt you. I was wrong to... think/say/do, etc.". Acknowledging their hurt will go a long way to easing tensions.
- Realize that if this is not the first time you've hurt someone else, and the other person has heard your apologies before, that a mere "sorry" won't cut it. Sorry can be too easy a word to utter when it's not backed up by real change. Think about how you will make it clear that you really do express sincere and genuine regret when you promise never to act this way again or to repeat your mistake.[6]
-
2Meet with the person face-to-face. While it might be possible to make amends by email or telephone, it is far better to meet in person to make amends. This displays a willingness on your behalf to be near the person again and to make direct, meaningful contact with them.
- If you are seeking to make amends with family members whom you have not seen for a long time, consider meeting them on neutral territory rather than in one another's homes. This will remove any usual tensions that being on one's own territory can raise.
- If you can't meet in person, consider writing a letter rather than typing one or emailing. It's far more personal to put your pen to paper and to express your feelings in your own handwriting.
-
3Begin your apology. Tell the other person that you wish to make amends for your mistake and start your discussion with them, drawing on what you're already rehearsed and the feelings you've worked through.[7] Keep in mind the following:
- Aim to leave this discussion on making amends with a stronger relationship than before your mistake. If you head into it with this state of mind, that you really care to re-establish your connection with this person and want things to be not only as good as they were once, but better, then you're off to a great start.
- Watch your body language, tone of voice, stance, and attitude. If you are truly sorry, all of these elements should help to convey your genuine apology. Eye contact is an important sign that you mean what you're saying and not avoiding them, or the truths of the wrongdoing.
- Avoid using "you" statements; always refer to "I feel", "I think", "I believe", "I thought I", etc. It's not their wrongdoing up for discussion.
- Avoid adding in little lines about feeling justified. That puts you right back into combat mode.
-
4Keep it simple and to the point. A long apology will start to ramble and double back on itself. Make your points clearly, sweetly, and effectively. Neither of you want to be hanging around all day suffering this level of discomfort.[8]
-
5Give the other person time to vent. Avoid making assumptions about their feelings or perspective. While you have tried to stand in their shoes if you followed the suggested step above, you have still done this using your own knowledge and understanding of the world. Grant them the space, time, and freedom to air their grievances, and pick up your cues from here. Even if you feel that some of their perceptions of the situation are inaccurate, it doesn't help matters to tell them they don't have a good reason to feel the way they feel.
-
6Back up your words with actions. Expressing your genuine regret will mean a lot more if you provide measurable promises to change, and act on them. Start by offering ways to provide restitution. For example, if you broke something, offer to buy a new something; if you called a person terrible things, give them a long list of all their positive attributes and explain that you felt jealous of their accomplishments; if you ruined an event for them, offer to stage another one to make up for it. Whether it is money, time, or attention that you took from someone, do what you can to give it back.
- Explain the ways in which you intend to make changes to your own behavior. If there are any demonstrable ways you can use to back up this promise of change, use them. For example, you might tell the other person that you'll never ride an ATV again since the accident you had that killed the other person's prize sheep, and show them the advertisement for the vehicle's sale.
- Be very honest in telling the other person what you have learned from this experience. This helps the other person to realize that you truly did learn a lesson, that you are contrite, and how effective a lesson it was.
- If needed, you might also consider going so far as to provide an out for the other person should you fail to keep your promise – this is a last resort approach and its effectiveness will really depend on the extent and depth of your mistake. For example, you might say "If I break this promise to you, you are free to sell my Star Trek collection."
-
7Ask the other person how they feel amends would be best made. If they offer realistic responses, this can provide a good pathway to reconnecting. This option won't always be an appropriate one, so consider the context of the mistake. Be especially careful if you're worried that the other person might take this as a chance to behave manipulatively – you're here to make amends, not become their eternal slave.
Advertisement
Part 3
Part 3 of 3:
Following Up
-
1Don't repeat the mistake. Hurting someone the same way twice is a sure way to completely erode the person's trust. If you want to preserve the friendship, make sure you never intentionally hurt the person again. Do your best to be a dependable, considerate friend. It's impossible to be perfect, but you can try your best to be trustworthy.[9]
-
2Resolve to move on. Whatever the outcome of your attempts to make amends, it is important not to wallow in self-pity,[10] or to seek to attach blame to the other person. Even if you couldn't set things right, at least you did your very best.
- Focus on what's ahead for both of you and don't keep reliving whatever happened.
- Even if you don't make up with the other person because they have made a decision that things are completely broken between you, make a decision to never hurt another person in this way again.[11]
-
3Learn from what happened. Use your experience from your mistake to have compassion for others who make the same mistake. Not only do you understand them better now, but it's possible you'll have enough experience to help them work through to reach a positive outcome, without condemning them.[12]
- Self-forgiveness (which is at the heart of making amends) enables you to live in the present rather than the past, so even if things don't work out, be grateful for this gift. By forgiving yourself, you will heal.
Advertisement
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-therapy/201009/emotional-acceptance-why-feeling-bad-is-good
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ulterior-motives/201706/seeing-things-anothers-perspective-creates-empathy
- ↑ https://www.huffpost.com/entry/controlling-your-emotions_b_3654326
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201703/the-mindset-makes-it-hard-admit-youre-wrong
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-brain/201709/7-ways-truly-say-youre-sorry
- ↑ Stephanie Dowrick, Choosing Happiness: Life and Soul Essentials, p. 293, (2005), ISBN 1-74114-521-X
- ↑ Tami Claytor. Etiquette Coach. Expert Interview. 16 February 2022.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-dance-connection/201409/the-9-rules-true-apologies
- ↑ https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-things-trustworthy-people-dont.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201505/9-ways-get-past-self-pity
- ↑ Stephanie Dowrick, Choosing Happiness: Life and Soul Essentials, p. 294, (2005), ISBN 1-74114-521-X
- ↑ Stephanie Dowrick, Choosing Happiness: Life and Soul Essentials, p. 294, (2005), ISBN 1-74114-521-X
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201209/10-tips-help-avoid-ugly-arguments
Expert Q&A
-
QuestionIs it better to apologize sooner or later?
Tami ClaytorTami Claytor is an Etiquette Coach, Image Consultant, and the Owner of Always Appropriate Image and Etiquette Consulting in New York, New York. With over 20 years of experience, Tami specializes in teaching etiquette classes to individuals, students, companies, and community organizations. Tami has spent decades studying cultures through her extensive travels across five continents and has created cultural diversity workshops to promote social justice and cross-cultural awareness. She holds a BA in Economics with a concentration in International Relations from Clark University. Tami studied at the Ophelia DeVore School of Charm and the Fashion Institute of Technology, where she earned her Image Consultant Certification.
Etiquette CoachSooner, definitely! Don't let situations drag on if you can. If it's a relationship you care about, deal with it as soon as it happens. When too much time passes, you run the risk of the friendship reaching a point of no return. At that point, the people involved tend to see things differently and become entrenched in their position, making it harder to find common ground.
Advertisement
Warnings
- Living life convinced that you're always right is a surefire recipe for personal misery. Remember that everyone has opinions; some just happen to differ from yours. That doesn't mean they are necessarily wrong, just different. Using your opinion, judgment, and perspective by which to wound another person is not only harmful but also prevents you from seeing that your view is but one of billions of views and that you'll spend the rest of your life clashing if you refuse to keep an open mind. Work around this by acknowledging both your opinion and the other person's - simply say "Your opinion/judgment/perspective is different from mine". There is no right or wrong, only lesser and greater tolerance.⧼thumbs_response⧽
Advertisement
Things You'll Need
- Paper and pen (optional)
About This Article
Tami Claytor
Etiquette Coach
This article was co-authored by Tami Claytor. Tami Claytor is an Etiquette Coach, Image Consultant, and the Owner of Always Appropriate Image and Etiquette Consulting in New York, New York. With over 20 years of experience, Tami specializes in teaching etiquette classes to individuals, students, companies, and community organizations. Tami has spent decades studying cultures through her extensive travels across five continents and has created cultural diversity workshops to promote social justice and cross-cultural awareness. She holds a BA in Economics with a concentration in International Relations from Clark University. Tami studied at the Ophelia DeVore School of Charm and the Fashion Institute of Technology, where she earned her Image Consultant Certification. This article has been viewed 406,837 times.
Co-authors: 22
Updated: October 28, 2022
Views: 406,837
Categories: Featured Articles | Remorse
Article SummaryX
If you’ve hurt someone, it can feel scary or intimidating to make amends, but it will be worth it once you’ve restored your relationship. When you’re ready to apologize, take responsibility for what you did. You might start your apology by saying “I’m sorry I hurt you. I was wrong.” This will go a long way in easing the tension. When talking to the person, make sure your body language underscores what you’re saying. For example, make eye contact, stand with your arms unfolded, and avoid fidgeting. After apologizing, give the other person time to vent to show them you care about their thoughts and feelings. Finally, explain how you intend to make changes to your behavior in the future. To learn how to move on after making amends, keep reading!
Did this summary help you?
Advertisement
