How to Respond to Narcissist Triangulation

Co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC and Madeleine Flamiano

Last Updated: February 21, 2022 References

Is there anyone in your life who keeps comparing you to someone else? This is a really common experience when you encounter “triangulation,” a form of bullying that occurs when a narcissist brings up another person to make you feel badly about yourself. It can happen in families, relationships, friendships, and even the workplace. This article will cover how to respond to a narcissist’s triangulation and provide tips so you can protect yourself. Here, you’ll learn to stand up for yourself and stay strong.

1

Learn to spot the signs of triangulation.

That way, you can deal with it as proactively as possible. Whether it’s from a parent, a sibling, a partner, a friend, or a colleague, identify that any rude or hurtful comment is toxic.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.} Triangulation mainly involves praising other people to put you down. Tell yourself that it says more about the person who said it and has nothing to do with you.^{[2]
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- A narcissistic parent might say, “Amber always gets straight A’s. I’m so amazed by her! I wish you tried a little harder.”
- A narcissistic partner may say something like, “My ex was so gorgeous and intelligent. I really miss the energy he brought to my life.”
- A narcissistic friend might claim, “I invited the whole crew to karaoke! It was a blast.”
- A colleague may make a remark like, “Can you believe they still don’t know how to turn on the projector?! It’s so simple!”

2

Stay calm in the moment.

Play it cool to prove their words don’t have power over you. Even if you’re frustrated, keep a neutral expression and relaxed body language. Look at them and tell yourself, “This isn’t worth reacting to.” If they raise their voice or continue their disrespectful conversation, breathe in softly and exhale. The more grounded you are, the more they’ll realize that you won’t be their target.^{[3]
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- If you feel you want to defend yourself, think of a friend you can confide in later.^{[4]
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  Expert Source
  
  Jay Reid, LPCC
  Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
  Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.}
- Repeat an encouraging expression in your head like, “None of this is true.”
- Focus more on your feelings than what they’re saying. For instance, you might think, “This is really exhausting.” That way, you stay in touch with your reality instead of theirs.

3

Address their behavior in a direct conversation.

Being assertive may prevent them from manipulating you in the future. Pause, take a moment to consider what you want to say, then look them in the eyes. Keep your tone of voice respectful. Use simple, short phrases to point out that their style of communication isn’t healthy. As you express what you notice, they’ll sense that their strategies won’t work on you anymore. Here are some examples of graceful and assertive replies:^{[5]
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- “It sounds like you want me to compete with Katie. My sister and I are different people, and I love that about us.”
- “I don’t think we should worry about who’s the favorite parent. Both of us should look out for the best interests of our kids.”
- “Fantasizing about other people doesn’t seem like it’d benefit our relationship. I want a partner who’s focused on me.”

4

Set strong boundaries.

Be clear about what you will and won't put up with. First, explain what you won't respond to, like name-calling or invasive questions. Then, bring up how there will be a consequence if they cross any boundary. Finally, check in with yourself and remind yourself of the narcissist's "limitations," which are fears that cause them to lash out. This three-step process to protect yourself might look like:^{[6]
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- "I'm not comfortable with you asking about my salary or how I spend my money."
- "If you continue to pry about my finances, I will need to distance myself from you."
- "I recognize that they that they are so critical of me because it distracts them from their own insecurities."

5

Change the subject.

Talking about something else shows them you can't be baited. If you still want to stay on good terms and continue the conversation, switch gears. Maybe you have common interests or you just know what they’re really into. Also feel free to throw in a random curveball, like a piece of trivia. Because they were focused on their own “game,” they won’t expect the sudden shift. They’ll probably even lose track of what they were saying if you make a comment like:^{[7]
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- “Anyway, did you know they’re opening a new museum downtown?”
- “Hey, I’ve been wondering… how are your tennis lessons going?”
- “Speaking of finances… did you know money isn’t really made out of paper?”

6

Say you have other plans and walk away.

They can't drain your energy if you make a quick exit. Look at your texts, tell them you have to step outside to take a phone call, or let them know that you already have something on your calendar. Make it sound urgent or time-sensitive so they can’t keep you up. Give a polite goodbye, then head out.^{[8]
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- As soon as you’re feeling tired or uncomfortable, use this trick so you can leave.
- They’ll realize that you have other people, projects, or events in your life.
- If they pry a lot, keep things vague. Just say, “Look at the time! I’ve got to go.”

7

Build a strong support network.

It's important to have people to turn to for healthy interaction. Focus on people who aren’t really close to the narcissist you’re talking to. Make sure that anyone who knows whoever is triangulating you can be a strong ally. Also reach out to a counselor who’s specifically trained in narcissistic abuse.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.} Once you’ve found a safe space, let yourself be vulnerable and express how you’ve been impacted.^{[10]
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- Text a crisis counselor from a 24-hour hotline anytime you’re really overwhelmed.
- Call up friends and family who can offer shoulders to cry on or fun distractions.
- Join a support group to meet other people learning to cope with narcissistic abuse.

8

Work on healing.

Dealing with triangulation can take a lot out of you. Take a break to take care of your mind and body. If you find yourself drained or on edge even after hanging out with friends, pause any contact with the narcissist and make a list of what fills you with energy and joy. Here are some activities that might come up for you:^{[11]
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Trustworthy Source
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse
Go to source}
- A spa day or a visit to a masseuse to release any tension in your body.
- A trip to the gym or a sports course so you can let go of some frustration.
- A painting or ceramics class to dive into some creativity and get your mind off things.
- A day at the movie theater to get lost in a fun new story.
- A walk in the park to get away and enjoy the beautiful scenery.

9

Journal about the narcissist’s effect on you.

Writing down your feelings can help you work through them. After some time has gone by and you’ve gained some distance, you might be a lot less stressed. However, if you still notice any tension in your body or if any insecurities pop up based on what this person has said, it’s a good sign you need more space. Write down all your observations and desires, which might look like:^{[12]
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Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- “It’s been a few days, and I feel totally fine. I think I can take them in small doses.”
- “I feel a knot in my stomach every time I imagine talking to them. I need a break.”
- ”I keep getting stuck on what they said. I should unpack it with my therapist.”

10

Cut off contact with the person if you need to.

Remove yourself from the dynamic if it’s just too toxic. If every single conversation with them revolves around comparisons and competitiveness, ask yourself if it really benefits you to keep a narcissist in your life. Once you decide that they don’t add any value and you’d be so much happier without them, stop any contact and spend more time with anyone who uplifts you.^{[13]
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- Delete all of their contact info and block them on all platforms.
- Avoid any explanations—otherwise, the narcissist may try to talk you out of your choice.
- Remember it’s okay to feel sad afterward. Make sure to reach out to friends and a counselor for extra support!

11

Talk to a therapist if you’re struggling.

A professional can help you cope with the effects of narcissistic abuse. If the person you have any tension with still stays in touch with you and you find yourself trained, a mental health professional will be able to help you create strong boundaries. They can even coach you on how to go “no contact” so you can fully avoid anyone who brings you down. If you’ve already cut ties but still reflect on negative messages, a counselor can help train your focus on positive self-talk.^{[14]
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- Attending regular sessions can create a sense of routine and stability for you.
- Make time for self-care after sharing difficulties and emotional challenges to a therapist.
- You and your therapist can discuss how to learn from your experience with triangulation and develop healthy relationships with people who see the best in you.

Expert Q&A

Question

What is the behavior pattern of a narcissist?

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.

Jay Reid, LPCC

Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

Expert Answer

First, there is a phase of idealization where the narcissist may make their partner feel adulated. After some time, the narcissist starts a subtle campaign of criticism. Gradually, the situation deteriorates, and the narcissist begins to disrespect their partner and even humiliates them in the presence of others.
Question

What can motivate a narcissist to change?

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.

Jay Reid, LPCC

Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

Expert Answer

If a narcissist realizes that their behavior is harmful to their relationships and professional life, it may motivate them to change.