How to Say "No" Diplomatically

Co-authored by Lauren Krasny

Last Updated: January 20, 2023 References

Sometimes, situations arise where, for whatever the reason, you have to give a polite "no." This can be very difficult, whether in a personal or professional setting. However, learning to say no is an important skill, critical to living your life on your own terms. The key to any "no" is the tact with which you deliver it; rejection is far easier when couched in understanding and kindness. Remember to keep a level head, and never let the "no" become personal.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Saying "No, thanks"

1
Be direct. Try to have a strong tone of voice, without appearing harsh or intimidating. It should be obvious that you're not available, but that you appreciate the thought. Being firm and giving the ask-er your full attention demonstrates thoughtfulness, and shows you're not dismissing them needlessly.
- Say it fast. Don't trip over your words, but don't stop to chat if you've made it known you have places to be.^{[1]
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- A good example of the need for brevity are run-ins at work:
  - Them: "Hey, I could use your help with a presentation later today."
  - You: "Nope, can't do it. Unfortunately got my hands tied with work all afternoon."
  - Them: "How about now?"
  - You: "Gotta start the work sometime, I'm afraid; good luck with the presentation, though. Remember: don't just read what the projector shows. Gotta be running now, see you later."
  - Offering a quick bit of advice--whatever you can spare--is a kind gesture if you've got to brush someone off. Always look to have the last word, and make sure to go when you've said, "I'm going."
2
Be kind. This is the "thanks" in "no, thanks," and is the key to an inoffensive rejection. You'll want the person asking to know you're happy that they've thought of you, and you'd like them to continue thinking of you in the future.
- Say it in person, if possible. Especially if it's something of significance, people appreciate a face-to-face meeting, particularly in this age of text messages and e-mails.^{[2]
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- Kindness is key if turning down someone for an outing, or a date:
  - Them: "Would you want to be my plus one at that work gala this weekend?"
  - You: "That's so sweet of you to ask, but unfortunately I can't make it."
  - Them: "No worries, I knew it couldn't hurt to ask."
  - You: "I'm glad you did; I appreciate the thought."
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3
Keep it objective. Don't make it personal--making it personal is a definite way to offend someone, even if you don't mean to. Let them know you'd love to help them, but unfortunately, have no time for that. This helps to keep the conversation level-headed and unemotional.
- For example, if someone asks you to help them move on the weekend, but you've already got plans, make it known:
  - You: "Oh, I wish I could help but I've made plans already."
  - Them: "I see; are you sure? I know how people hate to move stuff."
  - You: "Yeah, I promised a friend from out of town time to hang out this weekend. I'm bummed, I'd love to see your new place."
  - Them: "Got it. You'll have to come over sometime later then."
  - You: "Sounds like a plan."
4
Be consistent. Know what you've said no to, and be mindful what you say "yes" to after the fact. Avoid seeming available to help someone else so soon after dismissing another. Whether the original person has all the facts or not, they make think you've brushed them off to help someone else.
- For example, if you've already given a no to an unpopular co-worker, careful what you agree to later:
  - Them: "Are you still coming to the barbecue this weekend?"
  - You: "Turns out my mother is coming into town, so probably not. I'd think of swinging by but I already turned down Glen for something with the same reason."
  - Them: "Glen will probably be at the party."
  - You: "Then it's a definite no. I'm not looking to hurt his feelings."

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Explaining Your "No"

1
Elaborate briefly. As mentioned above, brevity is the heart of polite rejection. However, any person asking for your help deserves an explanation as to why you can't. This demonstrates concern and consideration on your part and moves them to understanding instead of frustration.
- Avoid over-explaining. Don't detail every to-do item that keeps you from helping. It not only wastes time, but it also provides an opportunity for ask-er to work around your "no," to exchange help for help, potentially.
- Put the blame on you, but don't insult yourself. Avoid convincing others that you should not have been asked in the first place--or that there is someone better. Instead, reassure them that you would help if you could. ^{[3]
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2
Don't lie. If you're trying not to offend anybody, avoid lying to dismiss someone. Worse than the awkwardness of an honest "no, thanks" or "I'd really rather not" is upset that comes from getting caught in a lie.
- If you're really without a good excuse, just be straightforward. At worst, you've lost the attention of someone who wouldn't respect your honesty.
3
Ask for empathy. If the person to whom you've said "no" is giving you more than a hard time about it, ask them to consider being in your shoes. Help them to understand the what and why of your "no." Don't fear to be totally honest with a person about your situation if they insist on asking for some of your time.
- Don't strain yourself in pursuit of their empathy. Some people just won't take no for an answer, and in this instance, those people will always be upset with you. Know when you've said all you can.
4
Don't waver. Let them know that, unfortunately for them, your "no" means no. Be careful of people who will try to change up what they're asking in the hopes of finding a "yes." Caving in only cheapens your word and will have others flocking to you with word of an easy target.
- Don't be afraid to repeat yourself or even walk away. On occasion, the "no" will mean the end of the conversation if the person asking refuses the polite no.
5
Offer an alternative. While you're not able to help, perhaps you know someone who can. Or perhaps you know a new, more efficient method. In any case, proposing an alternative when saying "no" proves to the person asking that you've put thought into your rejection.
- Consider offering your help at a later date. If possible, this avoids rejection while also giving you the time you need to finish the tasks at hand.
- Defer to a co-worker. You demonstrate modesty by admitting that a peer may be better equipped to help than yourself. If not better equipped, do your best to find a colleague who is simply less busy. ^{[4]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Knowing Your Priorities

1
Keep a schedule. If your "no" is because you just don't have time, your schedule can be an easy, on-hand way to prove it. Even if you know the answer, consider scrolling through your datebook only to come across something already scheduled; you'll say "oh, darn" and apologize, wishing you were free.^{[5]
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2
Pick your battles. Know what you're saying "no" to. If your boss or co-worker desperately need your assistance, know what if would mean to them for you to help. Weigh that with what you already have planned, and make the reasonable choice. Don't say "no" off-hand to something before investigating it--it might be a great opportunity.
- In general, try to get on the same page with your boss in terms of what your responsibilities, goals, and expectations are.^{[6]
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  Lauren Krasny
  Career Coach
  Expert Interview. 27 March 2020.}
3
Consider what's best for you. In the calculus behind give someone a "yes" or "no," you're usually tempted to only consider what it will mean for the person asking--which you should do, just don't consider them alone. Know your limits and know what you'll get out of the experience.
- Don't spread yourself too thin. Part of learning to say "no" is avoiding exactly this. Be careful not to give to so many that you end up giving very little to anyone in particular. Saying "no" is part of being a determined, focused person; let it be known that you'll take things one at a time.

Warnings

Watch your body language! Try not to appear overly cool and relaxed when explaining how swamped with work you are.

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Extremely persistent people can make it even more difficult to say "no." Remember to be clear and concise, and to not spend any more time saying "no" than you have to.

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Don't overestimate the "no." While an important skill, the "no" shouldn't be over-used; don't make a habit of saying "no" to everything. You'd soon find no one asked for anything at all.

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