How to Settle an Argument with Your Parents

Co-authored by Jin S. Kim, MA

Last Updated: September 30, 2021

Parents and their children often disagree. Everything from curfew to dinner is fair game for an argument. Ultimately, it is in everyone’s best interest to be open to hearing both sides, reach an agreeable compromise, and move on with life. Arguments are inevitable, but settling them is a must for both parents and their kids. The best way for arguments to be settled is for both sides to make their points respectfully, be willing to compromise, and accept the outcomes.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Making Your Point Respectfully

1
Choose a good time to talk to your parents. It's best to talk to your parents when they are relaxed and calm so they clearly see your point. If they are under stress from other things, they might extend their frustration to you. Similarly, you should also be calm and relaxed so that you can speak respectfully to your parents. If you get agitated and express your frustration to the them, you are unlikely to get them to see your point of view.
- Ask your parents if it's a good time to talk. For example, say, "I really want to talk to you about something when you have a free moment."
2
Listen to your parents’ point of view. Listening to your parents’ case will show them that you respect them. It will also allow you to understand their objections to your requests. Focus on the key points of why they disagree with you, and address those concerns in your argument. This will reinforce the idea that you were listening and respect their opinion, as well as allow you to directly address your parents’ main concerns.^{[1]
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- For example, if your parents’ think that going out every Friday night will interfere with you spending time with the family, you might address their concern by saying something like “I know that family time is important, but I need time to be myself, too. Plus, I will be home every Sunday afternoon for family dinner.”
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3
Explain your point of view. After you have listened attentively to your parents, offer your side. As you explain your argument, validate their concerns, but show them why their concerns don't outweigh your side.
- For example, say, "I understand that you want me to have a 9:00 p.m. curfew for my own safety, but I'm old enough to stay out later and have proven that I'm responsible on nights that you have let me come home later."
- Emphasize what you've done that should reduce their concerns.
4
Use “I” statements to express yourself. “I” statements are a wonderful way to express things in the correct perspective. By saying this is what “I” think or what “I” feel, you avoid placing blame on the other person. This makes your parents’ more likely to listen to your point of view, and helps prevent them from becoming too defensive.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.}
- An example of expressing yourself through an “I” statement would be to say something such as “I feel like I get to go out much less than other people my age,” rather than saying “You never let me go out as much as my friends go out.”
- You may need to take time to reflect on your feelings and why you are feeling this way.
- Explain your feelings to your parents in a respectful manner, and repeat them if you don't feel that your parents understood the first time. For example, you may say, "I feel really hurt that you don't think I'm responsible enough to participate in the decision-making process."
5
Remain calm. Avoid letting your emotions get the best of you. Slamming things, yelling at your parents, or other angry outbursts will only escalate the situation. While you may think you are expressing how strongly you feel about the issue, you are really just reinforcing the idea that you are not mature enough to have an adult conversation with your parents.^{[4]
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- Instead of raising your voice to talk over your parents, listen carefully to what they are saying and then reply in a calm tone with something like “I understand your concerns, but let me explain my side, please.”
6
Stay on topic. Avoid bringing up any past arguments or disagreements. It will only serve to distract you and your parents from the issue you are trying to work out currently, and will make your parents defensive. You should also avoid involving other people, such as family members or friends, in the argument to support you. Only include another person in the discussion if they are directly related to the discussion.^{[5]
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- For example, you should not call your grandmother and have her tell your parents to let you go out tonight.
- Do not bring up last week’s discussion about doing dishes as a focus on whether or not you can go out tonight. Things like “You always do this to me. You were awful to me last week about the dishes, and now you’re being awful to me about going out with my friends!” will only escalate the argument and divert the conversation.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Reaching Compromises

1
Avoid personal attacks. Personal attacks will put your parents on the defense and make it hard for them to see your side of the argument. These attacks will also show that you aren’t handling the situation in a mature and responsible way. Instead of making personal attacks, stay on point and be clear about what you want to get out of the conversation.^{[6]
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- Attacks like “You are the worst parents ever! I hate you!” have no place in any argument. Instead, try things like “I know you think that this is the best decision for me, but I disagree.”
2
Offer ideas that are mutually beneficial. A compromise should benefit both sides. By offering legitimate compromises, you show your parents that you are trying to be responsible. You also present an opportunity for them to gain or achieve something that helps them. This shows that you understand their position, and are willing to work with them.^{[7]
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- You might say, for example, “I know that you are afraid that my grades will suffer if I play a sport, but I will commit to studying an extra hour every Saturday and Sunday if you let me play.”
3
Keep your requests reasonable. If your curfew is at 8:00 and you’d like to be allowed to stay out later, you should ask your parents to make it 9;00, or maybe even 10:00. Asking your parents to go from a curfew of 8:00 to midnight is not a reasonable request. This kind of jump is unrealistic and does not put any burden on you to show your parents that you can be out a little later and still be responsible.
4
Find the middle ground. Sometimes your parents are unwilling to budge from their decision. In those cases, you may be able to get part of what you want if you're willing to look for the middle ground. Offer a few suggestions for things that can get you closer to what you want while still honoring your parents' wishes.
- You might say, for example, "I understand that you don't want me to stay overnight for Rachel's party because you're worried we'll get into trouble. What if I stay until midnight, and then you pick me up? I could also check in via text and have Rachel's mom call you."
5
Resolve the conversation before ending it. Avoid getting angry or fed up with the conversation before a resolution has been reached. For example, if you are still discussing the exact time of curfew, it will not benefit you to end the conversation just because your parents say “Midnight is out of the question.” It eliminates the possibility of reaching a compromise that would up your curfew to 9:00, 10:00, or even 11:00. It also shows that you aren’t mature enough to handle being told no, and may reinforce your early curfew.^{[8]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Accepting the Outcomes

1
Understand your parents’ perspective. Your parents are accustomed to making all decisions for you in the way that they feel is best. For over a decade, you had little to no input on day to day care and decisions. As you are getting older, that starts to quickly change. Your parents need time to adjust to this, and you need to understand their position.^{[9]
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- For example, you might not agree that having a curfew is necessary at all, but this does not mean that your parents are wrong for instating a curfew.
2
Let the argument go. Ultimately, your parents usually make decisions based on what they think is best for you. Even if you disagree, you need to acknowledge that their decision is not a way to torture you, but is instead intended to help you be a successful adult. Even if the argument doesn’t swing in your favor, you have to let it go and avoid bringing it up next time you disagree with your parents.^{[10]
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- For example, after arguing over the time of curfew, you should not continue to be mad at your parents the next day.
3
Start making your case for the next argument. By accepting the outcomes of this argument gracefully, you are showing your maturity. Treat your parents with respect, even when you disagree, and you that respect will usually be returned. Building a track record of being mature and respectful to your parents will make it easier for them to trust you, and in the future, try to let you make more decisions for yourself.^{[11]
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- An example might be to say something like "I still do not think that I need a curfew, but I understand why you want me to have one, and I'll follow the rules."
4
Avoid future arguments. To avoid future arguments, you need to keep the lines of communication open. Talk to your parents about your wants and needs before you get upset. Keep any requests you have reasonable, and be willing to compromise from the beginning.
- For example, if you'd like to stay out after curfew on Friday night because there is a school dance, explain the situation to your parents. Calmly mention that the dance runs until after curfew, and that you'd like to be there and will come straight home after.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I communicate with my parents if I don't want to talk to them?

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.

Jin S. Kim, MA

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

The way you communicate with your parents can vary—for example, you could write a letter or email to your parents instead of talking to them in person.

Warnings

While explaining your side of the story, remember not to sound like you are right and they are wrong. Be open to listen to them.

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You may disagree with your parents, but they have the final word.

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