How to Stay Calm Around Difficult In‐Laws

Last Updated: October 21, 2021 References

The in-law relationship is one that varies among couples. Some married couples have harmonious relationships with their spouse’s parents, while others are borderline volatile and explosive. If you are a husband or wife that finds it especially hard to keep your cool in the presence of your mother- and/or father-in-law, there are likely many others out there who can relate to your dilemma. Learn how to keep your cool, pick your battles, and build a relatively positive relationship with your in-laws.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Keeping Your Cool

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Prep in advance for visits. If you already have a strained relationship with your in-laws, it won’t help to be caught off guard. Whenever you can, prepare for their visits and reduce your overall stress in the process.^{[1]
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Research source} Preparation can include anything from having a guest room or mother-in-law suite ready to having essentials on-hand to whip up a wholesome meal.
- Being ready for a visit in advance ensures that you are able to make a positive impression and actually enjoy your in-laws rather than spending their entire visit trying to catch up.
- Of course, an impromptu visit is bound to happen some of the time. However, it may be helpful to ask your in-laws if they can always show the courtesy of at least calling ahead before a visit.
- While you may want to make everything perfect, do not stress out too much about preparing for their arrival. This may continue to make you feel tense during their visit.
2
Take a time-out. If one of your in-laws says or does something that usually ignites a negative response from you, simply excuse yourself and grab a breather. Go into a room where you can have privacy before you say something you regret. Gain control of your emotions and collect your thoughts first.^{[2]
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- While you’re taking a time-out, it may be wise to brainstorm a few solutions to handle what just happened in an adaptive way. When you re-enter the environment what do you plan to do? Come up with some options.
- Once your calm, rejoin the gathering and try to maintain your composure as best you can. Remember, no one can make you feel a certain way unless you give them permission. You are in complete control of how you respond.
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Practice deep breathing. One of the major advantages to deep breathing is that it can be performed virtually anywhere. If your in-laws are getting under your skin, you may find this exercise to be most effective when completed during your time-out. However, as you become more practiced, you’ll find that you can use it to help you stay calm in the moment, too.
- One type of deep breathing exercising is the 4-7-8 method. In this technique, you can practice by sitting comfortably in a chair or on a floor cushion. Inhale through your nose for about 4 counts. Hold the breath for 7 counts. Then, exhale slowly by releasing the air through your mouth. Repeat as needed.^{[3]
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Do a body scan. Another way to relieve tension is by performing a quick body scan meditation exercise. This form of meditation brings awareness to areas of tension in your body, allowing you to release the tension and relax. In general, you should dedicate about 20-45 minutes to this exercise for optimal results. However, if you incorporate it into your daily routine you will be able to complete the exercise more quickly in especially tense situations.^{[4]
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- Close your eyes, if you’d like. Direct your focus to your body. Notice how you’re seated, feeling the weight of your body on the chair or cushion. Notice how your feet feel on the floor. Breathe deeply. As you inhale, take in more invigorating oxygen. As you exhale, release tension.
- Notice your legs, your back. Are these areas tense? If so, let go of the tension. Let it melt away. Continue breathing. Bring your attention to your stomach, your hands, your arms. Then, your neck and throat. Relax each area as you move through it. Then, notice your body as a whole, releasing any remaining tension as you inhale and exhale.
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Vent to a friend. You may immediately want to go to your spouse and share your frustrations. But, this may not always be a good idea. In some situations, your spouse may side with you. In others, he or she may side with your in-laws. To release the tension without causing issues in your marriage, it’s best to vent to a trusted person who is impartial to the situation.^{[5]
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- If you need to talk to someone immediately to let off steam, you can call your friend during one of your time-outs.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Picking Your Battles

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Look at the big picture. Sometimes, particularly when it comes to close family relationships, you have to be willing to overlook minor things. If your in-laws are constantly baiting you, it may be smart on your behalf to selectively choose what you respond to.
- Ask yourself how important the situation is. Will it matter to your next week? Next month? Next year? If not, recognize that it’s minor in the larger scheme of things and let it go.^{[6]
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- For example, your mother-in-law’s comment about your hair being unkempt won’t really matter over the long haul. On the other hand, if she’s making remarks about your choice of religion, you may want to address the issue upfront since it’s likely to keep popping up.
- Always listen carefully to what your in-laws are saying. You want to make sure that you are addressing a current issue and not reacting because of past unresolved problems.
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Strive for common ground whenever possible. When you and your in-laws are disagreeing about an issue, you can strive to maintain the peace by looking to your mutual interests. This is an important aspect of learning to choose your battles because you must be willing to meet in the middle in some situations. Common ground does not mean fully agreeing. It means finding a solution that everyone can live with.^{[7]
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- For example, your in-laws want to take the kids for a week, but you’re skeptical because they do not enforce bedtime. You can share your concerns by saying “I know that you want to spend quality time with them, but I worry that they will get mixed up with their bedtimes when they visit. If we agree to allow them to visit, can you agree that they go to bed at their usual bedtime?”
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Accept criticism gracefully.^{[8]
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Research source} Learning to take criticism is one of the most powerful skills you can develop in life, especially when it comes to your in-laws. Instead of allowing your father-in-law to get a rise out of you when he comments about you hiring a lawn service, let the comment roll off your back. You may feel a sting, but don’t let him have power over you by over-reacting.
- In response to criticism, you can merely say “I appreciate your concern. I’ll keep that in mind” and go about your business.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Fostering a Relationship

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Put your best foot forward. Sometimes, the strain in your relationship with difficult in-laws comes down to effort. Your in-laws may continue to give you a hard time because it seems like you don’t seem to care one way or another. Don’t forget this is your spouse’s mother or father—and, perhaps, your kids’ grandparent. Show respect and treat your in-laws like the family members that they are. Making a minimal effort could make a difference in the relationship.
- Putting in effort could look like phoning your in-laws to see how they are getting on, taking an interest in their lives, and showing appreciation for the help they give to your family.
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Try to see from their point-of-view. Having empathy can be especially challenging when you have a tense relationship with your in-laws. However, trying to see things from their point-of-view could improve your perception of them and vice versa.
- For example, your mother-in-law complains “It seems you all spend every weekend at your parents’ home.” Instead of snapping back about how you actually like your own parents, try to think about where she’s coming from. Maybe your spouse doesn’t make too much of an effort to visit. Even though the comment is directed at you, it’s really an issue between the two of them. When you realize this, you won’t take so much offense.^{[9]
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- Changes in their behavior may be small, and it may take time for your relationship to improve. This is ok. Try to appreciate them when they are trying to resolve your differences, even if it still is tense.
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Be receptive to helpful solutions. As much as you may not want to admit it, you may have your guard up so high against your in-laws that you are repelling their help. In turn, they may only press harder and double their remarks and opinions. As a part of trying to improve the relationship, keep an eye out for good advice that comes your way.
- When your in-laws suggest practical tips that are feasible to your way of life, thank them and make an effort to implement these strategies. You shouldn’t let your strained relationship get in the way of you taking good advice.
- It can also help to ask for advice every now and then. When your father-in-law comes around say “We’ve been having an issue with fire ants in the yard. Do you have any ideas about how to get rid of them?” Doing this can make your in-laws feel valued and even reduce the amount of unwanted advice they throw your way.
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Don’t hold out hope for approval. Having a harmonious relationship with your in-laws would probably be a dream come true. Unfortunately, it may never happen. Although it’s helpful to make an effort to improve a tense relationship, you should never bend over backwards or change who you are for their approval.^{[10]
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