How to Stop Lusting After My Girlfriend

Co-authored by Jan & Jillian Yuhas and Nihal Shetty

Last Updated: February 13, 2022 References

When you’re in a relationship, especially in the early days, lust can consume your thoughts. If you’re finding yourself constantly distracted by sexual fantasies with your girlfriend, you might be wondering how you can get your emotions back on stable ground. Some lust is healthy, but if you’re looking to limit some of the downsides of infatuation and keep you from getting too caught up in unwanted sexual thoughts, we’ve got you covered. Here's a guide on how to stop lusting after your girlfriend.

1

Accept that some feelings of lust are normal.

Lust comes from brain chemistry, and it's a natural instinct. Lust, also known as limerance, is an overwhelming feeling of sexual desire for someone else. Being close to someone you’re attracted to (or even thinking about them!) creates a flood of feel-good chemicals in your brain, like dopamine and norepinephrine. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you if you’re feeling lust—this is just how your brain has evolved to function.^{[1]
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- If you’re feeling guilty over your feelings of lust, it’s important to make peace with these feelings. Remember that lust doesn’t have to control your behavior, but it is totally normal to experience.

2

Center your relationship on non-sexual activities.

Spend less time at home, and more time enjoying the world together. Find what hobbies you have in common and explore them together: visiting museums, taking long walks, or cooking meals together are great ways to grow closer. By spending time with your girlfriend out of the bedroom, you’ll build a sturdier foundation for your relationship than just sex—look for balance in your relationship.^{[2]
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- If you’re at home with your girlfriend and finding yourself way too distracted by thoughts of sex, ask her to take a walk with you. Say something like, “Hey, it’s a nice day out—want to head to the park?”

3

Learn to distinguish between reality and fantasy.

When you find yourself fantasizing, it’s time to return to reality. Lust can lead us into thinking about intricate and drawn-out sexual fantasies that are totally divorced from our real lives. Instead of fantasizing about your girlfriend, think about the real moments you’ve shared with her. By grounding your thoughts about your girlfriend in reality and not fantasy, you can keep your expectations and relationship healthy.^{[3]
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- Don’t beat yourself up if you occasionally get carried away by your sexual fantasies. There’s really nothing wrong with this. But if you find it impacting your behavior and the way you treat your girlfriend, it may be a problem that you want to address.

4

Talk about your feelings with your girlfriend.

All good relationships involve honest communication. It can feel a little awkward to bring up this conversation with your girlfriend, but letting her know that you’ve found yourself distracted by thoughts of sex can help you work through these issues together. Try having a conversation with her to sort out your feelings.^{[4]
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- For example, you might say something like, “Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something that has been bothering me. I really feel so attracted to you, and it’s started to become distracting for me. I’m wondering if we can work out a way to guide our relationship in the direction of love, not lust.”
- Everyone is different, and your girlfriend might react to this news by feeling flattered or by feeling a bit worried, especially if she doesn’t feel the same about this issue. But remember: part of being in a relationship is learning how to talk through tricky issues.

5

Find healthy distractions.

Boredom can cause your mind to fixate on sex. When you feel yourself thinking a bit too much about sex, turn your attention to something else. This could be a hobby, your work, or even just watching a movie. Giving your brain something else to think about can keep you from spending all your time caught up in feelings of lust.^{[5]
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Jan & Jillian Yuhas
Relationship Coaches & Boundary Specialists
Expert Interview. 10 August 2021.}

6

Exercise regularly.

Pouring your energy into exercise can keep you focused. Studies have shown that while exercise is very good for your health, intense exercise decreases your libido. By working out more and with greater intensity, you can reduce the amount of unwanted sexual thoughts you experience. Go for a run, hit the weights, or play a sport—it’s good for your body and your mentality.^{[7]
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7

Take some space from each other.

A little distance helps relationships grow healthily. If you’re in constant contact with your girlfriend, it’s okay to reduce the frequency of your interactions to help you each develop your own, independent lives.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Jan & Jillian Yuhas
Relationship Coaches & Boundary Specialists
Expert Interview. 10 August 2021.} By doing this, you can find sources of joy and meaning in your life that aren’t about your girlfriend.^{[9]
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- Bringing this up with your girlfriend can make for a really tough conversation. Remind her of your feelings for her and say something like, “I really care about you a lot, and I want this relationship to work. But I find myself having a hard time thinking about anything other than you. Do you think we could check in with each other a couple times a day instead of all day long?”

8

Spend time with your friends and family.

Nourishing your other relationships is important when you’re infatuated. Make sure you’re still talking to and spending time with your friends and family regularly.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Jan & Jillian Yuhas
Relationship Coaches & Boundary Specialists
Expert Interview. 10 August 2021.}It’s important not to get so caught up in the rush of emotions that you get from your relationship that you forget how fulfilling your other, non-sexual relationships can be. Keeping close to people other than your girlfriend can give you a break from the rush of emotions you feel around her.^{[11]
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9

Practice mindfulness and meditation.

Mindfulness exercises can keep you from intrusive sexual thoughts. When you feel overwhelmed by thoughts of sex, take a deep breath. Observe that you’re having this thought, and then let it go. By practicing mindfulness and meditation on a regular basis, you can better control of your thoughts.^{[12]
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- There are also plenty of apps and other tools to help you practice mindfulness. Explore some of these tools to see if there are any that appeal to you.

10

Tap into your religion.

If you’re religious, fight lust through faith. Luckily, being someone with faith gives you plenty of tools to ward off these feelings. Praying, spending time with fellow members of your faith, or even reaching out to a religious mentor to talk about what you’re dealing with can give you the strength to manage your lust.^{[13]
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- If you’re Christian, remember this verse from Corinthians: “God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.” (Corinthians 10:13)
- For Muslims, the Quran also provides guidance against temptation: “But as for him who feared standing before his Lord, and restrained himself from impure desires and evil lusts, verily, Paradise will be his abode.” (An-Nazi’at 79:40-41)

11

Wait for infatuation to turn into a deeper love.

All honeymoon phases eventually come to an end. Give yourself time—if you simply wait long enough, eventually your feelings of constant lust toward your girlfriend will subside. This can be the start of a deeper, more meaningful love, where your partnership deepens beyond uncontrolled sexual attraction. A year or 2 into your relationship, you’ll settle into a more comfortable rhythm with your girlfriend.^{[14]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do I stop lusting after someone I can't have?

Jan & Jillian Yuhas
Relationship Coaches & Boundary Specialists
Jan Yuhas and Jillian Yuhas are Relationship Coaches & Boundary Specialists and the Founders of Entwined Lifestyle. They specialize in helping individuals and couples work on effective communication, healthy boundaries, and lifestyle wellness. They have also been featured on media outlets such as Yahoo Lifestyle and Bustle. Jan and Jillian both hold a BA in Psychology from The University of Illinois at Chicago and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy from The Adler School of Professional Psychology.

Jan & Jillian Yuhas

Relationship Coaches & Boundary Specialists

Expert Answer

Find ways to fulfill your day with personal outlets that make you feel good about yourself rather than placing all your energy on the other person. Consider disengaging from all communication channels, steering clear of their social media accounts, and creating distance from them.