How to Stop Reliving Infidelity

Co-authored by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS and Nihal Shetty

Last Updated: January 30, 2022 References

Infidelity can feel like an earth-shattering event. If you’ve found yourself reliving the experience of infidelity in your daily life, you might be feeling exhausted, angry, upset, and unsure of if you want to stay in your relationship. As your brain reexamines the past you’ve shared with your partner, it’s normal to feel episodes of sadness and flashbacks to the pain you’ve experienced. We’re here to help with this guide on how to stop reliving infidelity.

1

Find a healthy distraction.

If your thoughts start spiraling, occupy your mind with something else. Dealing with infidelity is hard, but these ruminating thoughts can be controlled. Take a deep breath, and watch some TV, listen to some music, or go out for a jog.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Mental Health America
Non-Profit Organization
Expert Interview.} By turning your focus elsewhere, you can stop yourself from obsessively worrying about the past.^{[2]
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Research source}
- Remember that trying to figure out why this happened isn’t likely to produce any helpful results. You could end up unfairly blaming yourself, which isn’t going to help you recover. Your time is valuable, and you don’t need to spend it on thoughts that won’t lead you anywhere.

2

Try out some mindfulness exercises.

Meditation, deep breathing, and mindfulness exercises stop rumination. Studies have also shown that mindfulness can lead to a greater capacity to forgive after infidelity.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Mental Health America
Non-Profit Organization
Expert Interview.} But even if forgiveness is out-of-reach, mindfulness can help you feel more at peace with yourself and your emotions, and give you a greater sense of control over your thoughts.^{[4]
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Research source}

3

Take stock of your infidelity triggers.

Write down any triggers that cause flashbacks to the infidelity. These triggers could be anything that reminds you of the betrayal: seeing the same motel franchise that your partner used while cheating on you, picking up a phone call only to have the caller hang up immediately, or even watching a movie with a plotline about cheating. By writing down what causes these flashback episodes, you can regain control over your emotions by planning for future triggering events.^{[5]
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- For example, if seeing a certain motel triggers flashbacks for you, try to keep a mantra in mind for the next time you see it. Repeat to yourself something like, “It’s okay that I feel anxious when I see this place, but that threat is in the past. There’s nothing to worry about anymore.”
- Infidelity triggers will fade over time. Keep moving forward and you will continue to heal.

4

Talk through the episode of infidelity entirely.

A conversation going through everything that happened can help you heal.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Steven Hesky, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 2 September 2021.} If you and your partner haven’t already had this kind of talk, sit down together when the shock has worn off and go through all the details of the cheating, no matter how difficult it may be. Start by having your partner explain to you everything that happened from their perspective, then ask them any questions that you still have.^{[7]
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Research source}
- The goal here isn’t to take out your anger on your partner, even if anger is natural in this situation. It’s to have as full a picture as possible of what happened, so that you no longer need to play detective.
- When someone first discloses that they cheated, they often don’t reveal all the details of what happened to try and spare their partner’s feelings. As more details come out over time, the partner who was cheated on ends up feeling like they never can know if they have the full story. This is called “trickle-truthing.”
- If you worry that this won’t be a successful conversation—for example, if your partner has a tendency to get defensive and shut down—schedule a meeting with a couple’s therapist to act as a facilitator.^{[8]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Steven Hesky, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 2 September 2021.}

5

Stay close to your support system.

Draw from your meaningful relationships with people other than your partner. Being in a relationship that’s experienced infidelity can feel like being shipwrecked—without being able to rely on the person you trusted so deeply, you might wonder what to do. But your friends and family can supply the kind of human connection you need to thrive, without being bundled in with memories of cheating.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Mental Health America
Non-Profit Organization
Expert Interview.}

6

Ask your partner to help you heal.

Your partner needs to play a key role in repairing your relationship.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Steven Hesky, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 2 September 2021.} If you find yourself overwhelmed with feelings of insecurity or sadness, try asking your partner to hold you for some time. Giving them a chance to prove their commitment to you can help you make peace with their past infidelity. You’ve been through a lot, and deserve their support.^{[11]
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- Try framing requests for your partner's support in a casual way. For example, you might say something like, “Hey, I know that you’re busy, but can we spend tonight together at home?”

7

Replace negative experiences with your partner with positive ones.

Do new activities with your partner to create new memories. Instead of feeling stuck in the past of your relationship, along with the painful memories it brings up, build its future. Take a trip someplace you’ve never been, cook a new dish together, or find a new activity to try out as a couple. By experiencing new things with your partner, you can make a cleaner break from the past.

8

Make time for self-care.

Spend at least 30 minutes every day doing something just for you. This could mean exercising, enjoying a long meal, or taking a relaxing bath.^{[12]
X
Expert Source

Mental Health America
Non-Profit Organization
Expert Interview.} Getting enough rest is important as well, since you’ll want to start off each day with as much emotional strength as you can muster. It’s more important than ever to take care of yourself after an episode of infidelity, when you’re at your most emotionally vulnerable. You’re valuable, so treat yourself that way.^{[13]
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Trustworthy Source
Harvard Medical School
Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
Go to source}

9

Find a therapist or counselor.

A professional can help you deal with the fallout of infidelity.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Steven Hesky, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 2 September 2021.} By speaking with a therapist or a counselor, both individually and as a couple, you can learn how to regain control over your life, and also have a safe space to vent your feelings.^{[15]
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Expert Source

Mental Health America
Non-Profit Organization
Expert Interview.} Infidelity is a common reason people speak with therapists, which means that most therapists will be experienced in navigating these issues.^{[16]
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Research source}

10

Do activities independently.

Take yourself out on dates to the movies or a restaurant. Give yourself a reminder that you are a capable person outside of your relationship, and are strong enough to live life independently if you want to. Setting up regular times each week to do activities by yourself can give you the clarity you need to make a fully-informed choice about how you want to proceed in your relationship.

11

Decide if you want to stay in the relationship.

If you’re unable to heal from infidelity, it might be time to leave the relationship.^{[17]
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Expert Source

Steven Hesky, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 2 September 2021.} Infidelity is serious enough to end any relationship, no matter how much love you might feel for your partner. There’s no shame in leaving—remember that you deserve to live happily, without feeling constantly reminded of the pain that this relationship brought you.^{[18]
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- Deciding to stay in a relationship after infidelity is also a valid choice. After healing from an episode of infidelity, many couples feel more bonded than ever. Take your time to make your decision, but always remember that your peace, happiness, and emotional health matter.

Expert Q&A

Question

Does infidelity pain ever go away?

Steven Hesky, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Steven Hesky is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 37 years of experience. He specializes in long-term psychotherapy with adults and adolescents. His training includes Freudian, Jungian, and Existential approaches to psychotherapy, hypnosis, family therapy, marriage counseling, and biofeedback. Dr. Hesky holds a BA in Philosophy from Lake Forest College and an MA and PhD in Existential Clinical Psychology from Duquesne University.

Steven Hesky, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

It's definitely going to take time for the pain to go away and the trust to develop again, since there's always the need to deal with the issues which have led to the betrayal. Be aware that the relationship may never be quite the same again. But that doesn't mean that it isn't worthwhile, or that it can't work out.