How to Survive Secret Romances

Co-authored by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT

Last Updated: June 20, 2022

You like this guy. He likes you back, but you can't publicly be together for some reason. One option is a secret romance, letting you be with this guy, but no-one knows but you two. It's a formula for passion, and a formula for dire trouble, but what's life without a little risk?

Steps

1
Don't share the secret with anyone. Telling your best friend about your secret little romance may be a good idea at the time, but what happens when your friend accidentally asks you how your boyfriend is while your mom is driving you to school? Telling others (even people who seem trustworthy) about your secret romance will most likely backfire, so keep it to yourself.^{[1]
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2
Treat your secret lover like everyone else while you're in public. Don't flirt or look like you want to be with them while you're in public. People will become suspicious that there's something going on, and the gossip mill will start. Treat your secret lover like another random person out there. Don't avoid them like crazy, as this will cause suspicion as well. Just treat them normally.^{[2]
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3
Avoid having things in writing. Avoid texting or emailing each other romantic notes, or posting cute things on each others' Facebook profile. You never know who could be reading over your secret lover's shoulder, or if their parents go through the texts on their cell phones. Things are easier to deny when they're not in writing.^{[3]
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4
Have good secret date spots. When going out, don't go to the local coffee shop, or the mall that your friends frequent. Go somewhere far away that nobody you know would be. There's always a chance that you'll see someone that you know (it's a small world), but lessen the chances as much as you can.^{[4]
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5
Make up a good story. If your parents ask you where you're going as you're heading out the door to meet your secret lover, don't stand there and stammer out a pathetic excuse. Have a good cover-up story planned out beforehand, in case anyone asks you where you're going or what you're doing. Say that you're going to the library, somewhere to study, the spa, a friend's house, etc. If someone asks to go with you, don't let them. Tell them that you need quiet so that you can concentrate, or that you want a little time to yourself, etc.^{[5]
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6
Cover the evidence. Don't leave any evidence of your secret romance, whether it's misplaced underwear, an undeleted text message, or a lipstick mark on your cheek. Don't come home with messed-up hair, your face covered in lipstick, and without one shoe. Look the exact same way you did when you left, and cover up any evidence that you two were together.^{[6]
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7
Don't give out any more information than you need to. If one of your friends asks you, "Have you met _____?" Just say "Yes". Don't say, "Oh yeah, we're great friends." or "I know him really well!" Don't give out more information than you're asked. This is important!
8
Have a romance! Don't get so caught up with keeping the romance a secret that you forget to have a romance! You could do one of the following to keep romance within your relationship:
- Take him out for dinner or make dinner.
- Do little surprises to remind them that you care, like surprising them with flowers or roses.
- Do random activities together, trying something that his really interested in, or try something that would get them out of their comfort zone.
9
Go over to his house or have him come over to yours. Find a private place to talk, or wait until your parents/family aren't home. Be romantic! Don't be afraid to do some hugging, snuggling, and cozying up! Snuggle up to him really close and tilt your head up. If he is in the moment, the kiss will naturally come. Don't try to kiss him, let him kiss you. If the kiss happens, focus on making it a memorable kiss. When getting cozy, be sweet but assertive; don't be afraid to say no.
10
Give yourself a pat on the back. You're surviving your secret romance! Congratulations! But remember, if you are in the middle of a secret romance, future dates are hard. Call him; follow up on first date with a phone call, invite him to go to a place (mall, movies, park, your/his house, amusement park, etc.), and with luck, no one will suspect your romance.

Community Q&A

Question

How do I survive a secret romance if I only have contact through the Internet?

Community Answer

Use secure apps, such as the Line app. Using this, only you and the other person can view it unless someone else is standing over your shoulder or you willingly allow them access to your account. The only way to sign up is through your mobile number, and you have to confirm through your phone the first log in on a computer or other device. This allows you to know if someone is trying to log into your account. Another option is Snapchat. Snapchat allows you the option to save and unsave messages at any time. It's fast, easy, and super secretive.
Question

What do I do if I want to hold someone's hand in public, but I'm scared someone will see? Is there a way people won't see?

Community Answer

Have something that covers your hands, like a jacket, so no one notices, or go into a less populated area of wherever you are.
Question

How do I survive the terrible feeling I get when I can't show affection to my lover?

Community Answer

Compartmentalize your feelings. Meditate. Think of the next time you are going to see your lover. Focus on other activities in your life. Perhaps find another lover!