How to Tell if Someone Is Lying About Cheating

Co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: January 25, 2022 References

Confronting someone about cheating is hard enough, but how do you know if they’re telling the truth? All relationships have issues from time to time, but being cheated on can really be a big blow to your healthy partnership. That’s why we’ve compiled everything you need to know so you can figure out if your partner is lying about cheating on you.

1

They avoid eye contact with you.

Liars usually have trouble looking people in the eye. If you’re confronting them about cheating and they only look past your shoulder or at your forehead, there’s a good chance they aren’t telling the truth. They might also shift their eyes around quickly, or even avoid facing you altogether.^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
University of Rochester Medical Center
Leading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and research
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- This is because they probably feel guilty or ashamed about the lies they’re telling you, and they don’t want to look at you directly while they do it.

2

They are fidgety.

They might rub their hands together or rock back and forth. Fidgeting is a telltale sign of lying, because it means the person wants to get up and leave (but they can’t). If you notice that your partner is struggling to sit still, there’s a good chance that they aren’t telling the truth.^{[2]
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- They might also shuffle their feet or tilt their head to one side.

3

They cross their arms.

Your partner might be feeling defensive, so they stand with their arms crossed. Take a look at your partner’s body language as you two chat: if they’re relaxed and look casual, there’s a good chance they’re telling the truth. On the other hand, if they cross their arms or hunch over, they might be lying.^{[3]
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University of Rochester Medical Center
Leading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and research
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- By itself, this isn’t totally a red flag, but it’s something to look out for when you two are talking.

4

They purse their lips.

This could mean that they don’t want to engage in what you’re saying. Pursing their lips is a way to literally close their mouth and keep themselves from talking, and it’s a classic sign of lying. Watch out for mannerisms like these right before your partner starts denying your accusations—it could mean that they don’t like what they’re saying, but they’re going to say it anyway.^{[4]
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American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
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- Some people will also roll their lips back until they almost disappear, which is another way of closing their mouth so they don’t have to talk yet.

5

They start sweating.

You might see sweat on their neck, forehead, or chest. If you start grilling them and they get hot and uncomfortable, it probably means they’re struggling to keep up with their own lies. They might even fan themselves or go get some air, just to cool off a bit.^{[5]
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- Sweating is usually coupled with dry eyes and a dry mouth. If your partner starts blinking or swallowing rapidly, it means they’re having a tough time right now (and also probably lying).

6

Their voice cracks or changes pitch.

A high tone of voice often means someone is lying. You might also hear a crack in their voice, especially when they first start talking. This doesn’t always mean that they’re not telling the truth, but it’s definitely a red flag.^{[6]
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Trustworthy Source
University of Rochester Medical Center
Leading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and research
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- People often change pitch when they’re defensive.^{[7]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.} If your partner is telling the truth and they’re just worked up about what you’re saying, they might also speak in a different pitch than they normally do.

7

They use fewer personal pronouns.

These are words like “I,” “you,” “he,” and “she.” Not using pronouns is a way to distance themselves from the conversation and make it sound like they’re an outside bystander. They’ll probably start using vague, general words to describe where they were or what was going on.^{[8]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
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- For example, instead of saying, “We were at the movies,” they might say, “Some people were at the movies.”
- Or, instead of saying, “I never said that,” they might say, “Nobody said that.”

8

They use more negative words.

They might feel anxious and guilty, and you can hear it in their word choice. Words like “sad,” “hurt,” “hate,” and “worthless” will crop up a lot, especially if they’re denying something you’ve said. Don’t fall for this tactic—they are trying to make you feel bad for them so that you’ll stop asking questions.^{[9]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- For instance, if you accuse them of cheating on you, they might say something like, “I’m hurt you would even ask that.”
- Or, they might say, “You probably hate me, don’t you?”

9

They lie about other things.

If they lie about other stuff, they might lie to you about cheating. Maybe you catch them in a lie about something innocent, like what they had for lunch or which movie they watched. People who lie all the time are so used to doing it, they won’t think twice about telling a lie to cover their tracks. If your partner has a history of lying, there’s a good chance that they’re lying to you about cheating, too.^{[10]
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- Unfortunately, people who lie all the time usually have a hard time stopping without professional help. If your partner would like to change their ways, encourage them to go to a mental health professional.

10

They’re secretive about their phone or computer.

They might swipe away or exit tabs quickly when you come in the room. Everyone has a right to privacy, but if your partner was totally innocent, they’d have no problem with you sneaking a peek over their shoulder at what they’re doing.^{[11]
X
Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.} If your partner is all of the sudden very concerned about their devices, that’s a big red flag.^{[12]
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Research source}
- They might also put a password on their phone or computer, even when they didn’t have one before.^{[13]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.}

11

You found suspicious texts or DMs.

Maybe someone is calling them “baby” or asking them to meet up. If you confront your partner about these messages, they’ll probably say that it’s all a big misunderstanding, or that they’re just a friend. It’s important to trust your gut here—if they look like messages that someone in a relationship would send, it’s crossing the line into cheating territory.^{[14]
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- Some people keep their cheating behaviors strictly digital. If your partner has been sending risque texts or even sexts to people online, that counts as cheating, and you don’t have to put up with it.

12

They go into work early or stay at work late.

They make an effort to spend less time at home with you. They might tell you that they’re swamped with a huge project, but in reality, they’re going to spend time with someone else. A good way to catch them in this lie is to call their workplace and ask for them one day when they’re staying late. If they aren’t there and you can’t get ahold of them, you’ll know that they’re lying to you.^{[15]
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- If working long hours isn’t believable, they might tell you that they’re spending extra time at the gym or they have to travel for a meeting.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can you tell if someone is guilty of cheating?

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

It depends on what you define as cheating. I usually define it as when there is an element of secrecy and emotional connection and secrecy with another person outside of the relationship.That's at least an emotional affair, even though some people might not consider it cheating per se.
Question

How do I confront my cheating partner?

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Instead of making accusations, try phrasing the discussion avoiding "you" sentences, as they lay blame on the other person and may make them get defensive right away, which is counterproductive.