How to Avoid Deadbeat Men

Co-authored by Lisa Shield

Last Updated: September 29, 2019 References

A deadbeat man is a person who avoids or evades his financial or emotional responsibilities. Deadbeat men come from all walks of life and tend to sap the energy and resources of their romantic and sexual partners. Once you are in a relationship with a deadbeat man it can be hard to leave. Recognizing red flags, learning to love and respect yourself, and setting and maintaining boundaries will help you avoid deadbeat men before they become a permanent fixture in your life.

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Recognizing Red Flags

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Stay away from men who don't own up to their personal and financial responsibilities. Deadbeat men have no intention of delivering on promises owed to others. This can be financial or emotional. Not paying your rent, spending time with your children, or coming up with excuses as to why they can't meet an obligation are all signs of a deadbeat man.
- For example, if you start dating a man who has children with two other women and is not supporting them financially, chances are the guy could be a financial and emotional deadbeat.
EXPERT TIP

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach

Consider working with a relationship coach if you're having trouble attracting the right kind of guy. Love and relationship coach Lisa Shield says: "Therapists can help you make sense of your past, but they can't help you date and find a loving partner. You need someone who specializes in relationships for that."
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Avoid moochers. One of the first red flags you should pay attention to when trying to avoid deadbeat men is a man who tries to take advantage of you financially. This could be as simple as letting you pay for dinner every time you go out or convincing you to let him move in while you pay all the rent.
- If a man you just met asks you for money, this is a violation of your financial and personal boundaries. You can respond by saying, “Alan, I am not comfortable loaning you money. I like to keep my finances and romantic life separate.”
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Be wary of men who live with family members. While there are legitimate reasons for living with family, such as caring for an ill parent, a lack of an independent living situation could signal financial dependence on others. Seriously consider the ramifications of dating someone who depends on others to make his ends meet.^{[1]
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Loving and Respecting Yourself

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Take an inventory of your strengths and abilities. The first step in avoiding a deadbeat man is building a healthy sense of self-esteem. Recognizing all your unique qualities and celebrating your achievements will help you build self-esteem, maintain a positive self-image, and understand you deserve more than a deadbeat man.^{[2]
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- Make a list of what you like about yourself. Write down professional accomplishments like finishing nursing school alongside social strengths such as being a great friend. Hang the list in a place where you will see it daily.
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Reimagine yourself as someone who deserves love, respect, and admiration. Deadbeat men seldom give their partners these important things, often redirecting their partner's energy to meet their own selfish needs. Pay as much or more attention to your own well-being and happiness as you do that of others.^{[3]
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- Create a daily mantra to be spoken aloud or silently. Try saying to yourself each morning, “I deserve love and respect from my romantic and sexual partners.” Repeat daily!
- Sit down with a notebook for 15 minutes. Write about what love, respect, and admiration mean to you and how that would look in a relationship.
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Replace negative thoughts about yourself with positive affirmations. We all have that little voice inside our heads that tells us we're a failure, we're no good, and we don't deserve better. It turns out this voice is usually wrong! Stop negative self-talk in its tracks and replace this nonsense with self-affirming thoughts.^{[4]
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- If you hear yourself saying, “I'm such a loser. No wonder why I always end up with the wrong men,” stop yourself as soon as you recognize the negative self-talk.
- Tell yourself instead, “I am deserving of love and respect despite the fact I ended up with a deadbeat man the last time around.”
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Tend to your appearance. Taking the time to wear an outfit that makes you feel fabulous, put on a shade of lipstick that offsets your eyes, or dabbing on a little cologne can do wonders for your self-esteem. If you feel fabulous, you're more likely to begin believing it!^{[5]
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Care about yourself the way you care about others. Many of us put the feelings, wants, and needs of others before our own. To avoid deadbeat men you must begin treating yourself the way you would a dear friend or family member. Prioritize your feelings, wants, and needs over those of others.^{[6]
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- For example, if you need time each day to go for a run, fulfill this need before tending to your boyfriend's dirty laundry.
- If cooking healthy food is a priority for you, prioritize your grocery shopping and dinner-making over helping your husband revise his resume.

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Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

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Set personal boundaries. Learning to love and respect yourself means being in touch with what you need on an emotional level as well as how you feel when these boundaries are violated by others. Determine your emotional needs - whether it is being listened to, cared for, or knowing you can depend on an individual – and what constitutes a violation of these boundaries.^{[7]
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- Make a list of your emotional needs and expectations of romantic partners and how it makes you feel when these boundaries are respected or are crossed.
- For example, if you need a partner who listens while you speak, someone who constantly interrupts you to talk about his own business is violating your boundaries.
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Maintain your boundaries. Once you determine what your personal boundaries are, it's important (and sometimes challenging!) to maintain them. This means making your needs, expectations, and boundaries clear to others as well as letting them know when your boundaries have been violated.
- Don't do something you are uncomfortable with or that crosses your personal boundaries. For example, if a man asks you to pay his phone bill and you are uncomfortable with this, say no.
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Clarify consequences. It's important that you are clear on what the consequences are for violating your emotional, social, and financial boundaries. You should be firm and consistent with how you react to your boundaries being crossed. There should be a direct consequence for the person who violates your boundaries.
- If you have a live-in deadbeat boyfriend who is slacking on rent, set a clear consequence for him not paying his share. Try saying, “Jim, I will no longer pay your portion of rent. You are crossing my financial boundaries. If you don't pay rent this month, you will no longer be living here.”