How to Be Confident in a Relationship (for Women)

Co-authored by Laura Bilotta and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: May 28, 2022 References

Being in a relationship is both fun and exciting, but it can also bring about feelings of unease or insecurity. When you’re confident in your relationship, you’re more likely to feel happy and fulfilled overall. Keep reading to learn how you can boost your self-esteem and maintain your confidence, even while you’re in a relationship.

This article is based on an interview with our international dating coach and matchmaker, Laura Bilotta, founder of Single in the City. Check out the full interview here.

1

Recognize what you bring to the relationship.

Build your self-esteem by noticing your good qualities. Traits like kindness, good communication, compassion, and loyalty are all wonderful in a relationship, and it means you’ll be a good partner. Think about these things and write them down so you can remember them later on.^{[1]
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Research source}
- You might also think about how you make your partner feel: loved, happy, or cared for.

2

Silence your inner critic.

We’re usually much harsher on ourselves than anyone else. If you notice yourself being overly critical of something you did, try to silence that voice. It can be hard to do at first, but it gets easier over time.^{[2]
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Research source}
- When you notice a harsh thought like that, try saying something like, “That’s not helpful right now” to yourself. It can banish the thought and stop it in its tracks.

3

Repeat positive affirmations to yourself.

You can improve your self-esteem by repeating mantras. Every morning, look at yourself in a mirror and tell yourself that you’re beautiful, powerful, and confident. Although it might feel silly now, it will help you become confident in every aspect of your life. Some good affirmations include:^{[3]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.}
- “I am good.”
- “I love myself.”
- “My partner is lucky to have me.”
- “I am enough.”

4

Accept yourself for who you are.

You don’t need to change yourself for a relationship. Your partner chose you because they like you, not because they want to change you. Remind yourself that you are an awesome person, and you bring a lot to the table.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 12 February 2020.}
- If there’s anything you want to change about yourself (like being more outgoing or a little funnier), you can definitely work on those things. However, you should do them for yourself, not anyone else.

5

Maintain your friendships and your hobbies.

Don’t dedicate all of your time to your relationship. Losing yourself in a relationship can cause you to feel insecure and uncertain about it. While it’s fine to dedicate time to your partner, make sure you’re still keeping up with your friends and the things you like to do for fun.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.}
- Spending time away from your partner can actually be good for your relationship. When you spend time apart, you have a chance to miss each other.

6

Practice self care.

Do something every day that makes you feel good. You might soak in a bubble bath, paint your nails, read a good book, or head out into nature. The more you can pamper yourself and destress, the better you’ll feel overall.^{[6]
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- If it makes you feel more confident, you can also spend time on your appearance. When you look good, you feel good, too.^{[7]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Laura Bilotta
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.}

7

Remember the times you’ve been complete without a partner.

You’ve been single before, and you still remained a whole person. There’s a myth that we all need someone to be complete, but that’s not the case. Remember that you can survive on your own, even if you don't have a partner.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 12 February 2020.}
- Keeping this in mind can help you rely on yourself more and maintain your confidence.

8

Open up to your partner.

Be vulnerable with them to create a stronger connection. When you let your guard down and tell your partner about yourself, you’re building a solid foundation for your relationship. Try to open up about your own hopes, dreams, and fears to feel confident that your partner knows who you are.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 12 February 2020.}
- You don’t have to open up all at once, but it’s nice to gradually let your partner in a little bit at a time.

9

Set boundaries with your partner.

Let them know what you’re okay with and what you aren’t. For instance, maybe you don’t appreciate it when your partner spends time with an ex or texts other women. If you two can discuss what you both want out of your relationship, you’re more likely to feel comfortable and confident.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Stefanie Safran
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 8 May 2020.}
- Keep your expectations reasonable, though. For instance, you shouldn’t expect access to your partner’s phone 24/7, since that’s an invasion of privacy.
- Your partner might also have some boundaries they’d like to talk about as well.