How to Communicate with a Difficult Spouse

Co-authored by Maya Diamond, MA and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: May 28, 2022 References

Communication is one of the most important aspects of any relationship. If your spouse isn’t open to communication, it can be tough to talk about serious issues or problems within the relationship. Fortunately, there are a few techniques you can use to have a respectful, productive conversation with your partner.

This article is based on an interview with our dating and relationship coach, Maya Diamond, MA. Check out the full interview here.

1

Pick the right time to talk.

If your spouse feels rushed, they might not be super receptive. Instead, wait to have a serious conversation until you’re both relaxed and generally in a good mood. Even if you’ve planned to talk in advance, you can approach them by saying, “Is now still a good time to talk?” If it isn’t, put off your chat for another time.^{[1]
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Maya Diamond, MA
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.}^{[2]
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- Ideally, you will both have had a chance to relax and unwind a little bit. For instance, if you’re having a talk after work, give yourself an hour or two to decompress before jumping into a serious conversation.

2

Keep your emotions in check.

Try not to yell or get angry during your communication. Although it can be difficult, emotions often make conversations go awry very quickly. If you feel any strong emotions coming on, take a few deep breaths and count to 10 until you can talk clearly again.^{[3]
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- If your spouse has a tendency to get angry quickly, you can model good behavior for them by not yelling or shouting at them.

3

Use “I” statements.

It will keep your spouse from going on the defensive. When you bring up an issue, try not to blame your spouse. Instead, relate how the action makes you feel.^{[4]
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Maya Diamond, MA
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.} For instance:^{[5]
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- Instead of saying “You always yell at me,” say, “When you talk over me, I feel like you don’t care about what I have to say.”
- Instead of saying “You never come home on time,” say, “When you come home late without telling me, I get worried about you.”

4

Be clear about what you need.

Describe your ideal resolution that you’d like to see happen. If your partner comes home from work late all the time, maybe you ask them to text you when they leave. If they don’t do enough work around the house, maybe you can set up a chore chart to split the responsibilities 50/50. Talk about what you’d like to do to fix the problem in a real, concrete way.^{[6]
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Maya Diamond, MA
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.}^{[7]
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- Your spouse can add their input, too, but it’s going to be much easier if you have an end goal in mind.

5

Concentrate on the issue at hand.

Try not to bring up other things that aren’t relevant. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to bring up past fights or old issues just to hurt your partner. However, doing that isn’t helpful, and it can distract you both from the real issue.^{[8]
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- Try to stop your spouse from bringing up old issues, too. If they try to dredge up a disagreement from the past, you could say, “Is that really relevant right now?”

6

Listen to your spouse.

Put away distractions and give your partner all your attention. Try not to interrupt them, and let them say what they need to say. It’s important to let your spouse talk, even if you don’t agree with what they’re saying.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Maya Diamond, MA
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.}^{[10]
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- Practice active listening by nodding your head and making eye contact.
- As you listen, try to keep neutral body language. Crossing your arms and rolling your eyes can signal that you don’t respect your partner, which can lead to an even bigger issue.

7

Paraphrase what they’re saying.

Show them you understand what they’re telling you. If you aren’t sure that you get it, ask for clarification. Try to reword what they’re telling you to make sure that you’re both on the same page before moving on.^{[11]
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- For example, you might say, “So what I hear you saying is that you don’t have time to text me when you’re at work because you’re too busy.”

8

Try to see their point of view.

Keep an open mind and try to hear them out. Even if you’re certain that you’re in the right, it’s important to work as a team with your spouse to fix any issues. As you listen to what they say, be willing to change your mind about things.^{[12]
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- For instance, you might be sure that the only way to spend more time together is to go out to dinner once a week. Your spouse, however, might be more open to having a movie night twice a week and going out once a month.

9

Set boundaries for yourself.

If your spouse crosses the line, call them out on it. It’s important to be respectful of your partner, even if you’re having an argument. If your spouse yells at you or starts to get nasty, let them know that they can’t talk to you that way.^{[13]
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- You could say, “You can’t talk to me like that,” or, “I’m not going to let you yell at me all night.”

10

Take a break if things get heated.

Sometimes a conversation just isn’t going anywhere. If you and your spouse are starting to get angry, tell them that you need a break and walk away. You can take 5 minutes to cool off and reset, or you can take a few hours if you need to.^{[14]
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- It’s important to set a timeframe on when you’re going to come back and tackle the conversation again. Simply walking away isn’t going to solve the issue, and it could leave your spouse feeling confused.
- Say something like, “I’m starting to get angry. Why don’t we take a 15 minute break and then try this again?”

11

Talk to a marriage counselor if you need to.

Dealing with a difficult spouse can be tough. If you two are constantly having communication issues and you just can’t seem to fix them, a professional may be able to help.^{[15]
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Maya Diamond, MA
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.} Reach out to a mental health professional and head in for a session to address your issues and work on your communication skills.^{[16]
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- Marriage counseling can be very helpful, and a lot of people say that it’s saved their relationship.