How to Control Your Temper Without Anger Management Courses

Last Updated: December 23, 2021 References

If you feel like your anger is controlling your life, you may need to learn to control your anger. While some cases of uncontrolled anger may need the help of a professional therapist or anger management program, you can try controlling your anger on your own by learning to calm your body and mind and communicate about your anger effectively.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Calming Your Body and Mind

1
Find a change of scenery. Change to a new location if you are feeling angry. Changing scenery helps in two ways; it allows you a break from the person or situation causing your anger and it gives you something new to focus on that is not your anger. ^{[1]
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- If possible, take a walk outside.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Rahti Gorfien, PCC
  Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 17 December 2019.} Notice any wildlife or nice nature things. Even if the weather is poor, a walk in the rain might “cool off” your anger. Being outdoors can improve your mood.^{[3]
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2
Calm your mind with meditation.^{[4]
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Rahti Gorfien, PCC
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 17 December 2019.} Meditation helps you control your emotions both in the moment of anger and in the long term. ^{[5]
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Research source} To meditate in the moment of anger, first remove yourself from the situation causing the anger.^{[6]
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Go to source}[[Image:Http www.wikihow.com Control Your Temper Without Anger Management Courses.jpg|center]
- Take slow, deep breaths. Maintaining this breathing will likely bring down your elevated heart rate. Your breaths should be deep enough that your belly extends on the “in” breath.
- Visualize a golden-white light filling your body as you breathe in, relaxing your mind. When you breathe out, visualize muddy or dark colors leaving your body.
- Once you are calm from your meditation, think about your emotions and decide how to deal with the situation that angered you.
- Daily meditation in your own home may also help you control your anger later in the day, which can help you avoid having to take a “meditation escape” midday.
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3
Relax your body with progressive muscle relaxation. Progressive muscle relaxation involves tensing and releasing your body in progressive stages. Consciously tensing your own muscles can help you redirect the outlet of the anger you’re feeling. ^{[7]
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Research source} To practice progressive muscle relaxation, take a few deep breaths, then do the following: ^{[8]
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- Begin with your face and head muscles. Hold the tension for 20 seconds, then release it.
- Work your way down your body, tensing and releasing your shoulders, arms, back, hands, stomach, legs, feet, and toes.
- Take deep breaths, feeling relaxation from your toes all the way up to your head.
4
Give yourself time to respond. If the situation or person that angered you is one that you cannot avoid in the future, give yourself a break before you respond if you feel angry. Waiting until you have calmed your mind and body to return to the stressful situation can allow you to return with a more rational response.^{[9]
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- If you cannot physically leave, you can still give yourself a delay by stopping to count to 10 (or 20, or 50, or 100) before you respond.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Using Assertive Communication

1
Recognize the ways that people communicate their anger. There are three primary ways to communicate anger; they fall into the categories of “passive,” “aggressive,” or “assertive.” Learning to use assertive communication can help you communicate about your anger in a healthy way.
- Passive communication involves becoming progressively angry about something without actually dealing with the problem or confronting the situation in any way. Passive people usually internalize their behavior which is anger that is "unexpressed."^{[10]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  American Psychological Association
  Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
  Go to source} People who become angry outwardly and have learned that is not socially desirable may "suppress" their anger instead of dealing with it assertively. They may eventually have an outburst, the outcome of externalizing behavior being suppressed.
- Aggressive communication involves becoming so angry that you have an outburst that likely seems like an overreaction to the situation from the outside. Aggressive outbursts can also be paired with violence.
- Assertive communication is a healthy, respectful way to address and confront the person or situation that is causing you to become angry.
- For example, you may be angry that your neighbor’s dog constantly runs into your yard unattended. A passive response would be to never speak to your neighbor about it, but become more and more angry. An aggressive response would be to call the pound, harm the dog, or do something mean to your neighbor in retaliation. An assertive response would be to communicate about the problem with your neighbor.
2
Emphasize that both parties’ needs are important. Part of assertive communication is acknowledging that your needs as well as the needs of the other person (or people) involved are important. This takes the focus off of you and shows that you are appreciative of the needs of others. ^{[11]
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- For example, you might tell your neighbor, “I understand that your dog needs to spend some time outdoors. However, I have very young children, and I’m not comfortable with a dog being around them without its owner.”
3
Use respect when communicating. Using “please” and “thank you” can go a long way towards seeming respectful of another. Treat the other party with respect, acknowledging that they have a side to the story as well. ^{[12]
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- For example, you might begin a conversation with your neighbor by saying “Hey! How are you today? I have something I would like to speak with you about.”
4
Be clear and specific with requests. Remember to think of any actions you would like the other party to take as requests, not demands. This will help you word your request appropriately. It is important that you are specific and that you do your best to stick to the actual facts. ^{[13]
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- For example, you may say to your neighbor, “I’d like to request that you keep your dog on a leash or in a pen when he is outside. He came into my yard 3 times yesterday while my 1- and 3- year-old children were outside playing.”
5
Express your feelings. While you do want to provide factual information, it is okay to include the way that you feel when you are expressing your anger. You can emphasize words like “I feel like” or “it makes me feel,” which may help prevent the other party from becoming defensive. ^{[14]
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- For example, you might tell your neighbor, “It makes me feel frightened and frustrated when I see a dog I don’t know well run right up to my 1-year-old. Even though your dog is sweet, I feel afraid that something bad could happen on my own property, which should be safe for my children.”
6
Seek a solution to the problem. Ideally, you and the party to whom you are expressing your feelings can collaborate on a solution to the problem that is making you angry. Unfortunately, you cannot control the actions of others, and you may need to seek a solution on your own.^{[15]
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- For example, you and your neighbor may brainstorm ways to keep the dog in check, such as keeping him on a leash or in a fence. If, however, the neighbor refuses to cooperate, you might have to come up with a solution on your own, such as fencing in your own yard.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Asking for Help

1
Rely on friends and family. Disclose your feelings about anger to your loved ones. Talk to them about the strategies you’re using to minimize angry outbursts and use effective assertive communication. You might be able to develop a system with those close to you (particularly your partner) whereby if you feel as though you are losing your temper, you can use a code word or signal that lets them know you need a break from the conversation or situation you’re in.
2
Ask your physician about medications to help with anger control. Medication alone may not be the best approach to solving an anger problem, but combining medication with other methods to regulate your emotions might help you gain control over your anger. Medications are often prescribed when the anger problem accompanies another disorder, such as bipolar disorder or depression. ^{[16]
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- The specific medicines used to treat anger depend on the source of the anger. If the anger accompanies generalized anxiety, likely medications may include SSRIs and SNRIs. If the anger accompanies depression, an antidepressant such as Prozac may be prescribed.^{[17]
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- If you have a problem with addiction, be sure to discuss your history with your physician. Some mood-altering drugs are addictive and should be avoided in cases of past substance abuse.
3
Talk to a therapist. If you want to avoid anger management courses, working one-on-one with a qualified therapist who specializes in anger issues can be the best route to anger management success. A therapist can give you additional relaxation techniques to use in situations that make you feel angry. She can help you develop emotional coping skills and communication training. ^{[18]
X
Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source} Additionally, a psychotherapist who specializes in helping resolve problems from someone’s past (such as neglect or abuse from childhood) can help mitigate anger tied to past events. ^{[19]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- You can search for a therapist specializing in anger management in North America here and in the United Kingdom here.

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Question

How do I calm myself down when I'm angry?

Rahti Gorfien, PCC
Life Coach
Rahti Gorfien is a Life Coach and the Founder of Creative Calling Coaching, LLC. She specializes in working with artists, entrepreneurs, and college students in creative fields. Rahti is accredited as a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) by the International Coach Federation, an ACCG Accredited ADHD Coach by the ADD Coach Academy, and a Career Specialty Services Provider (CSS). In addition, she has personal experience in the fields she coaches - she is an alumnus of the New York University Graduate Acting program and has been a working theater artist for over 30 years. She was voted one of the 15 Best Life Coaches in New York City by Expertise in 2018.

Rahti Gorfien, PCC

Life Coach

Expert Answer

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Get some distance between you and the thing that's making you angry. Try going to a different room or taking a walk outside.